July 20, 2019 at 8:03 am #304077
A new girl started in our office, she’s going to be on my team. She’s sooo hot! And the point of this thread is how I’m going to deal with how much I fancy her.
She’s the sister of one of the managers, and I was already gunna be cautious due to that, but at the same time we’re adults, so ultimately I don’t care what he or anyone else thinks (although he’s a nice guy and I like him).
Long story short, she started training about 3 weeks ago, and in that time we’ve become to know each other, been for coffee and lunch together a couple of times.
The problem is I’ve rapidly developed the hugest crush on her, and as a result I’m now not being my 100% usual self around her. I feel nervous and anxious like I have to keep talking to her and saying cool things to impress her more than the other lads in the office that are trying to impress her.
Another factor is some of the other guys in the office act like clowns to get laughs and although I’m very funny without having to actively behave like a class clown, I refuse to “compete” with these other clowns, 1 or 2 of whom are supposed to be my friends.
I’m a big boy and I’ll suck it up and deal with it, but I was just hoping I could get some advice.July 20, 2019 at 8:32 am #304089
Depends whether this attraction is mutual or whether coffee/lunch is about her trying to fit in with her work colleagues. Office romances should always be approached with caution. Does her brother have the power to dismiss you should he not be in favor of this relationship?
I don’t know how you deal with being nervous and anxious around her other than to keep your focus on your work rather than this person. Perhaps someone else can help you with that.
PeggyJuly 20, 2019 at 9:20 am #304099
“we’ve become to know each other, been for coffee and lunch together a couple of times”-
– get to know her more, over another coffee or lunch. If you find out what she values, what motivates her, what she likes and dislikes, and you still like her, then you will have meaningful things to say to her, sharing with her what you value, what motivates you, and you will not have to worry about “saying cool things to impress her more than the other lads”, you will have real, meaningful things to say to her.
anitaJuly 20, 2019 at 10:43 am #304127
As a big boy, go ask her out for a real date. I agree with anita, the best way of connecting with anyone, romantic or otherwise is to be genuine and authentic, i.e. be yourself.
MarkJuly 20, 2019 at 11:18 am #304137
Peggy, Her brother is not my manager nor does he have the power to fire me. Plus, even if he did, and theoretically a relationship did happen and went bad and I did get fired because of it, there would be grounds for unfair dismissal.
Anita, thanks I’ll just continue to be my best self and see what happens. Ultimately it’s just a girl (albeit a very attractive one) and if nothing happens then it’s not life changing or anything.
Mark, I think it could be a little too soon. And if I did do that and she said no I’d feel incredibly paranoid in work.
Overall I tend to overthink myself into this kind of mindset. I really just need to let go and stop creating situations in my head that may not even happen, rightly or wrongly.
In the meantime I’m dating other girls and enjoying myself. So it’s not like I’m desperate or deprived or anything.July 20, 2019 at 12:47 pm #304143
I’m not sure what you mean by “too soon” for she could say no either now or later. So what do you mean?
MarkJuly 21, 2019 at 6:37 am #304215
From getting to know you some from your other thread, I would say that the most important thing in the context of a romantic relationship with a woman for you, is that you get to know a woman first as a person, that you get to like who she is and respect her for who she is. Allow for imperfections, of course, but see to it that she is a woman that you can truly like and respect.
In other words, don’t hit on this woman, but see if you can meet her over coffee and the like as a potential friend. Aim at friendship first, get to know her, then see if you are interested in a romantic relationship.
anitaJuly 22, 2019 at 4:47 am #304319
Since she works at the office, and if she’s as hot as you say…
Proceed with caution.
What happens with attractive girls is they’re nice to everyone (lots of social practice), and her being friendly could be perceived as interest.
You just don’t want her to say “no” (as gentle as it would be) and have to see her at your office 40 hours a weeks for literally years. And then see her date some other guy in or out of the office. Be engaged. Get a wedding invitation. Pictures of babies on her desk.
I’m not saying not to do it. I’m saying Manage your Expectations.
Being a Bummer Today,
InkyJuly 24, 2019 at 3:39 pm #304773
Hi guys, thanks for the replies,
Circumstances have changed though, and things are feeling better than they were before.
A few developments and points to note..
I’m now partnered up with her. As I’m off for 3 weeks from next week I promised her I’d spend the rest of the week helping her whilst she eases into the new job. So, I’m literally sat beside her all day long coaching her and being her fall-back as she talks to customers on the phone.
Oh yeah, about the 3 weeks I’m taking off, she really doesn’t like this and would much prefer it if I stayed. It does pain me to leave at this time, but it’s a project I just can’t afford to miss out on as it’s worth 5k. She has joked that she’s going to get her manager brother to make me stay. She just really wants and needs me there, and I really wish I was able to, but the timing was just wrong. We have been having touchy feely light hearted inside jokes etc, stuff that makes me want her more.
Aside from this, things are mostly cool now and my anxiety is evaporating. Except for small things like I get a jealous feeling when any other guys flirt with her, particularly one who is my friend, he’s basically a rival in this instance as all 3 of us are single.
She also brought me in a gift today. A really good set of headphones her family brought her back from holiday last week. I told her I needed a new set and she gave me them. So generous of her.
I’m just going to do my best to train her as best I can over the next 2 days so that she’s more confident in the job, because as I’m leaving for 3 weeks I do feel bad for her because she want’s me to be there more than anyone else. I do think the 3 days coaching her will build somewhat of a bond, but then it’s being severed by my 3 weeks off. I’m also worried the 3 weeks will change things in a negative way. But hopefully not.
I’ll be keeping in touch with her during the 3 weeks though.July 24, 2019 at 4:52 pm #304781
Reads like a nice friendly work relationship between you and her.
Be aware of your jealousy regarding other men flirting with her at work. Jealousy/ competition with other men is a strong element in you, rooted in childhood (previous thread). If you continue this friendship with her, if the two of you get closer, explain to her your feelings regarding other men. Maybe she will understand and accommodate you by behaving around other men in such ways that will make you feel comfortable, not worried, anxious and/ or angry.
* I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.
anitaJuly 24, 2019 at 4:59 pm #304783
Yes thank you I will remain aware of my surroundings and not try to change my own behaviour and actions to try and be someone I’m not, by way of “competing” with anyone else.
It is a nice friendly work relationship. Whether or not anything happens between us or not, it’s not like it’s the end of the world if not, but I do fancy her a lot.
Dan.July 25, 2019 at 7:59 am #304853
You are welcome. Every time you find yourself “‘competing’ with anyone else”, remind yourself that you don’t need to do that, all that you need to be enough for a woman- is already there, you are good enough.
You fancy her, you wrote, and soon you will not be working with her, so it makes sense for you to aim at developing a friendship with her that will extend beyond work. Ask her questions, share with her, listen to her, learn who she is, teach her who you are, and take it from there.