Hello, My nsme is Kris. I’m 26 years old and I”ve never had a boyfriend before. It’s something that embarrasses me. I have a really hard time trusting people. I’m the scapegoat of the family. I feel like I’m too broken to be in a relationship or that I need to fix myself first. Lately, I’ve been hearing my older sister’s voice in my head, criticizing me constantly. She always finds a way to put me down.

Back in April, my therapist passed away and I was having a really horrible time. I had a breakdown in my room and I was screaming and punching my pillow. When my sister came into my room, for some reason she felt the need to criticize me. She told me I’m a very angry person and that I shouldn’t think about being in a relationship right now.

I’ve always been someone who feels things deeply but I kind of hate that about myself. Whenever I show strong anger, my family always acted annoyed with me. My mom even said that I should “get rid of my anger once and for all” through therapy. I know she meant well but hearing something like that makes me feel like there’s something bad within my that needs to be removed and I feel even more shame about my anger/feelings.

I made a Facebook dating profile recently. I was talking to this one guy but I told him that I’m not fit for a relationship because of my mental health. I kinda used that as an excuse to stop talking to him. I feel like once he got to know the real me, he’d lose interest anyway. I was doing him a favor. I feel like I don’t deserve love. My older sister has done irreparable damage to my self worth and I can’t make her voice in my head be quiet. There are days where I feel like the worst person ever or I feel like a monster who doesn’t deserve love.

Have any of you felt that you didn’t deserve love? How did you deal with it? I genuinely feel like I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don’t fix myself. My sister literally told me how I can fix myself and she did actually use the word “fix.” I feel like a piece of trash right now.