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Feelings for another, should I tell her?

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  • #85123
    James Anthony
    Participant

    Firstly, I want to say that I’m 27 and have been married for 3 months to a girl I’ve been with for the last8/9 years.

    Over the last year I’ve developed feelings for a girl who works in my office. We get on really well and seem to always have a good time chatting to each other, she has come to me with problems in the past and says that she relies on me.

    We don’t spend any time together outside of work.

    She is leaving our office today to go to a new job and I’m considering telling her that I have a huge crush on her (might even love her). I’m doubtful that she feels that way about me as I’ve probably been friend-zoned.

    Recently she told me that she had split up from her boyfriend, it was at that point that I realized that my feelings for her were stronger than just friends.

    I love my wife, but I think that I love her ‘as my wife’ – I’m not in love with ‘her’ as a person anymore. I don’t want to see her hurt at all.

    when I was younger I was a bit of a ‘lone wolf’ type, happy by myself generally. Now I’m married and I do feel a little trapped and I do (most of the time) yearn for my solitude again, or am I just being silly? That said I did feel this way for a few years since before we got married, no I never told my wife about these feelings.

    I did hope that getting married would help alleviate these feelings of wanting solitude, but they haven’t. I really wanted the marriage to help me with that and to help me fall back in love with my wife as the person she is – I just can’t feel it happening.

    Do I tell this other girl I love her before she leaves? what do I do?

    Am I just incredibly selfish? My wife does so much for me, I don’t want to hurt her.

    #85128
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello strider,

    It seems as if her reliance on you and your communication has brought you closer to this girl form work. Perhaps there is something missing in your relationship that you were getting from this girl at work. It may be beneficial for you to reevaluate your relationship since you have been with your wife for quite a while now. Did you stop communicating, telling each other you love each other, or doing new things?

    Love is love, it is renewed everyday by choice. We have to make a conscious decision to be present in all of our relationships everyday. It’s great that you enjoy alone time, most people do. However, that does not mean you need to leave your marriage in order to be happy. Perhaps you two should do some activities together and do some things on your own?

    Emotions are emotions, just because the title of the relationship changes doesn’t mean that your emotions do too. How well do you know this other girl? It could be possible that she just trusted you as a friend and found comfort from talking to you. Maybe you can look at your own emotions and figure out what’s happening in your relationship before considering this other girl. Sometimes we can look out to others as a distraction so we don’t have to deal with our own issues.

    Annie

    #85129
    anita
    Participant

    Dear strider:

    You learned then that getting married, the ceremony that is and the title “married” did not change your yearnings for solitude and did not change your feelings to the woman you married from love to “being in love”.

    Wouldn’t it be a disaster if you think that having a baby will make these kinds of changes? Not at all likely. Most likely NOT. So I hope you don’t go experimenting with parenting as a way to fix your emotional experiences! I mean, you can transfer a lesson from one experience, the marriage, to a potential another experience,parenting. Many, many people falsely think that having a child will solve their problems and again and again it does not, and a new child is brought into a less than desirable situation.

    There are two issues here otherwise: your yearnings for solitude on one hand and your unmet need for that stimulating “in love” feelings and interactions. The first, yearnings for solitude, maybe within your marriage you can further increase your solitude, your alone time?

    There are things for you to dig out and examine about yourself. Maybe in the context of psychotherapy. If not, you can write more here and I will try to help you dig out and examine. Who you are… what you need.

    anita

    #85131
    James Anthony
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice.

    I certainly have a lot to think about and don’t want to fall into the trap of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side.’

    #85132
    James Anthony
    Participant

    I don’t think either of us would throw a baby into the mix, we aren’t at that point and it wouldn’t be fair on the child.

    #85133
    anita
    Participant

    Dear strider:

    I very much appreciate your last post! I have much respect for you for thinking about what would be fair to a child. You expressing this motivates me to try to help you in the context of this forum in any way I can. If you post again, I will carefully read what you write and give you my thoughtful feedback, if you’d like.

    anita

    #85134
    James Anthony
    Participant

    I didn’t have the best childhood parent wise so I’m very aware of what it can do to a child it the home isn’t a loving one.

    #85135
    anita
    Participant

    Dear strider:

    I decided to re-read your original post and give you my thoughts about it:

    The girl in the office, your contact with her has been very limited to work only, no contact outside work. Within the working environment all contact with her was pleasant and her relying on you to solve problems has been very pleasant for you, made you feel good. The advantage in such a situation and such a relationship is that it allows you the solitude, lone wolf time that you need away from the co worker and it allows you only the pleasant, time-limited interactions within the safe solitude that you need.Your wife, on the other hand, she is THERE in your space way more often and on an ongoing basis than what you would like. She is there when you wake up, she is there when you go to sleep, she is there stimulating in you uncomfortable feelings, not only the pleasant ones. No wonder you fell in love with the co-worker. It is logical for me to imagine that if you had a greater contact with the co-worker, that would be a burden and distress to you.

    You wrote that when you were younger you were a lone wolf. I am guessing there was something very trapping, making you feel trapped, in your relationship with at least one of your parents/ major care takers. And that you turned away from that distressing relationship by going the lone wolf route.

    You are feeling trapped with your wife, probably not because she is over controlling or the like but because those feelings of being trapped are leftover feelings from childhood, feelings that get activated.

    I am thinking it is the examining of those leftover trapped feelings that need to be examined. Any feedback so far?

    anita

    #85138
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Strider,

    These feelings after a really long time relationship do happen, particularly when something as game-changing as marriage happens – we see the person in their full colors, parts of them we like, some we dont – the important thing here is to consider what we would feel if they were no longer there around us. This woman in the office is someone you know in a rather one-dimensional way – there is a degree of pleasant infatuation but here’s the thing, you dont really know her outside work. What would really happen if you tell her anyway? Say she accepts your feelings, that would mean consequences because you are married. If you told your wife and she is fine with this possible relationship, then there is no element of lying here.

    But if your crush says no, then things will get weird between you two after she leaves cuz you are the married guy who asked her out. I know i may sound judgy in some way or the other, but trust me, this is just a crush. You hardly know this person anyway. However, the question that you arent looking into is communicating your needs effectively to your partner. If you crave solitude, find ways to meet those needs and share those thoughts with your partner. They’ve been there for you for so many years and i dunno how fair it is to let an infatuation sway you so much, particularly if you dont know the person that well anyway.

    Regards,
    Moon

    #85151
    lovelimess
    Participant

    No, don’t tell her. You have only been married 3 months…keep going.
    Ask again in 10 years.

    #85162
    James Anthony
    Participant

    Excellent post, thank you.

    Believe me when I say that I don’t take these things lightly, I look into every aspect of my thoughts and as to why I feel them (after years of ON/Off meditation) I never take thoughts on ‘face value’.

    I’m using this forum more for other opinions/voice my opinions/thoughts – rather than advice (not that it isn’t appreciated, rather, you’re a voice at the end if a keyboard…) ((No offence))

    #85174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear strider:

    We are ALL voices at the end of a keyboard on this website. But often we are more real here than in “real life.” Life outside this or other website, as in physical interactions kind of life, is very often full of delusion and make belief: this is why people come here, to sort out delusion and reality in.. “real” life.

    All the best to you,
    anita

    #85345
    jeena
    Participant

    It’s simple. Get out of your current relationship before getting into a new one! It’s really unfair what you are doing to your wife, the other woman and yourself. Be responsible and do the right thing. You obviously do not love your wife otherwise you wouldn’t be trying to stray away from her. So tell your wife your feelings honestly-about needing solitude, about the other woman you have feelings for. You’d be surprised of what she already knows in her gut!

    #85395
    James Anthony
    Participant

    I’m not getting into a new relationship, I was discussing my feelings for someone else. I wouldn’t do anything untoward my wife as she’s a better person than that and doesn’t deserve it.

    I never told this other woman about my feelings in the end out of respect for my wife and has since then told my wife about my feelings of wanting to be alone and maybe not loving her as much as she loves me, understandably, she’s hurt but is ‘glad’ I told her.

    We are looking at our relationship as it is and are going to try to make things better.

    #85396
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Strider,

    Good to know you’re thinking this through and keeping things in the open. All the best!

    Regards,
    Moon

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