Dear Addy,

you are very welcome, and thank you for your kind words of appreciation.

It does took time for me to start trusting them. I’m guessing I need to loosen up hard grip a bit more

I’ve just come across a video by one of my favorite psychologists, Dr. Henry Cloud, where he explains the connection between empathy and trust. He says (and I agree) that we tend to trust more, and understandably so, to people who show empathy to us, because they understand what we’re going through and aren’t judgmental but rather supportive. The video is on youtube and is titled “Using Empathy to Fuel Trust“.

It seems you had trouble trusting your girlfriends, even though they showed empathy for you. This could be because your trust was betrayed many years ago, with your mother promising to talk to your father and make him treat you better, and then failing to do it. You trusted her and she betrayed you. Also, she didn’t show real empathy for you, but expected of you to have empathy for a bully.  She turned the concept of empathy on its head because we aren’t supposed to have empathy and understanding for the bully, but for the victim.

So I can see how your mother’s inappropriate reaction might have lead to you not having trust to open up to another person, and to guard your heart as much as possible, not to be attacked.

Yes so expressing this kind of negative feelings I just don’t know how to do that well, I don’t feel comfortable and I just try being more sarcastic or just sugar-coat things maybe?

In fact, the best would be if you could work through some of those emotions on your own – because they stem from your childhood wounds. If you have unresolved childhood trauma, it will pollute your relationship(s) as well.

Let’s say you get impatient and angry with your girlfriend about something. Probably it’s because there is an expectation underneath – something you expect from her, which she isn’t fulfilling. The question is a) is it a reasonable expectation, and b) have you communicated it with her? Because she might be doing something innocent, but it is triggering your childhood wound and you feel similarly like you did in your childhood, and you want it to go away. But it’s not really your girlfriend’s fault, but your own unresolved issues. That’s why I said you’d need to solve those unresolved issues first before you can engage in a relationship in a more healthy way.

That does sounds nice, But I don’t really know what kind of person I want to be with or the fact if I want deep emotional intimacy with someone just yet. I just don’t feel like ready for it?

As it seems, you’re not ready for it yet, because emotional intimacy is scary to you. This might change, but for now, it’s still scary.

I think I already did that in my childhood like not in front of my parents but l did that because I knew that it’s wrong but out of respect I wasn’t be able to tell them their mistakes

Alright, so you’re saying that you knew it was wrong, both your father’s and your mother’s behavior, already when you were a child? So you weren’t blaming yourself for your father’s verbal abuse and your mother’s blaming you if you lost your temper?

I think that even if you were a very advanced child and youth, a part of you certainly did blame yourself, and is blaming yourself to this day. How do I know that? Because your inner critic is still very active. He has soaked in and is replicating the words of your father and your mother, two outer critics.

It seems to me that you’re blaming yourself for not being successful enough professionally – which is what your inner critic adopted from your father. And you’re also blaming yourself for being emotionally weak – which is what your inner critic adopted from your mother. So you’re blaming yourself for the same things that your parents were/are blaming you.

That’s why, Addy, even if a part of you knows that they are wrong, another part still believes them… That’s because the child always blames themselves when he/she is criticized by their parents. There’s no exception to that rule. The child in you still blames himself for being not good enough and not emotionally strong enough.

You as the adult Addy would need to get in touch with that child and tell him he’s not to blame. That there’s nothing wrong with him. You, the adult Addy, need to show him love and compassion that neither of your parents showed to you as a child. You need to be a good and loving parent to that boy – that’s how you will heal those childhood wounds. As I said, best do it in therapy.

(Don’t do it to your parents’ faces). – Obviously not.

Once you heal those core wounds (e.g. the wound of not being good enough), you’ll have a different relationship with yourself. You won’t blame yourself any longer, you’ll respect yourself more. And you won’t allow your parents to treat you with disrespect either. You’ll be able to set some basic rules for communication with them, so they cannot treat you the way they have been treating you all your life.

Dear Addy,

yes I am fully recovered, no more sleep problems, and also my sense of taste has recovered fully. So I am happy and grateful! Thank you for asking!

Thanks for sharing I’ll watch the video and let you know. Also I want to let you know nowadays I’m being more mindful about being empathic which does making me feel better.

Good to hear! Did you have a situation in which you stopped yourself from using sarcasm and responded differently?

That’s right but reasonable expectation or not I don’t want to get angry or disappointed. More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

You know, anger is not always bad – I mean feeling anger, not acting on it impulsively. There is another great video by the same psychologist, Dr. Henry Cloud, which I totally recommend watching. It’s called “Anger is a signal, not a solution“. It explains how anger can tell us that something’s wrong, that our boundaries are crossed and we’re not being treated right. It’s a signal that we need to change something about the situation or the relationship we’re in.

Dr. Cloud says that when we feel anger, we should examine whether it’s something unresolved coming from within us, or our boundaries and sense of well-being are indeed being violated, i.e. it’s an external problem. And then act accordingly. Never impulsively or aggressively though.

More like in serene state like I shouldn’t have problems with her actions, and I just have to see my reactions.

It depends what her actions are. If she’s doing something that violates or disrespects you in some way, or promises things she doesn’t keep etc, then it’s normal to feel angry and upset (anger is a signal, remember!). But you don’t attack her, start yelling at her etc. Instead, you take a pause, breathe deeply, and clarify with yourself what it is that bothers you. And then you communicate with her, as calmly as possible, that this kind of behavior bothers you and what you would need from her in the future. So, it could be her fault indeed, but you communicate it in a calm, mature way.

I am saying this because you have a history of your mother accusing you of not being “cool” and “sensible” enough about being bullied by your father. She blamed you for your natural self-defense reaction, which is anger. But now, you don’t need to blame yourself for feeling angry. Instead, you take it as a signal and examine it. Anyway, watch Dr. Cloud’s video – he explained it excellently.

I want to change it. Yes

Good! And you will change it, with time, as you’re becoming more and more aware of yourself and working on your healing… it will change, there is no doubt about that.

Hmm so I knew they’re wrong yet still I blame myself sometimes. but you’re right it’s the self-critic

Yes, the child always blames themselves when the parent criticizes them. Later, when you got older, you saw that their behavior was wrong, but the child part of you still believed that he is the one to blame, that he’s not good enough. And now your inner critic (which are the internalized voices of your father and mother) is blaming your inner child. The same dynamic as when you were a child, only now the critic is within your own head, not outside.

I did started practice (Mostly via sitting and imagination) that but because I didn’t do that before I don’t know how to do that progress of loving my inner child and being compassionate with him

You can try it when you get upset about something and your first reaction is to beat yourself up for not being super calm and serene. You can tell yourself “it’s okay Addy that you feel angry, no wonder you feel angry, this was indeed hurtful what they did… ” And so you validate your own anger, instead of scolding yourself for it.

You can also get yourself a cute fluffy animal (a teddy bear or something that symbolizes your inner child) and hug that animal and talk to it, caress it… Maybe it will help you communicate better with your inner child if you have something physical, not just an image in your head.

I totally agree I’m hope I’ll be able heal those core wounds of mine.

You will, just have a lot of patience with yourself. Small steps, baby steps… and lots of validation of your own feelings, rather than judging yourself for it. Also, if you get frustrated with yourself for not healing faster, instead of criticizing and blaming yourself, have empathy for yourself, have patience, tell yourself it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re lovable, there’s nothing wrong with you… The key is self-acceptance, radical acceptance of all your feelings, allowing them to be…. without judging yourself for it.

The paradox is that the more accepting we are of our “faults” and “imperfections”, the faster we heal. That’s the power of self-compassion.

Dear SereneWolf/Addy/Saiyan,

I am fine, thank you.

I saw you started a new thread, under a different user name, and presented an additional problem there: of suffering from an imposter syndrome. So even if you’re doing good and are successful, you still believe you’re not good enough and that you’re a fraud. That can easily be a consequence of heavy criticism, high expectations and not being allowed to make mistakes in your childhood (e.g being criticized and scolded for getting even a single bad grade).

It seems both of your parents had high expectations from you in terms of school success, and very low tolerance if you weren’t scoring all As. Not just your father was like that, as I thought, but your mother as well. You said on your new thread: Part of it was also from my mother. I was really scared of her like what she’d say? she’d be disappointed. And I was disappointed in myself too.

In that environment, surrounded by such high expectations and such low tolerance for making a mistake, you put yourself (and were put by your parents) under a lot of pressure to perform. And you also adopted the belief that you’re not good enough if you’re not scoring all As all the time. Only total perfection would have been good enough, if that.

Over time, you’ve developed the inner critic, telling you that you’re a failure and not good enough. And so now, even though you’re doing considerably well and have professional success, you still can’t believe that you’re actually good enough. You still believe you’re that sloppy, underperforming boy who failed to reach perfection and failed to please his parents. A part of you still sees you as a failure. And as such, every success must be accidental – it’s not really your merit. Because in your own eyes, you’re not good enough.

That’s I think at the core of your imposter syndrome. And the way to treat is the same as treating your low self-esteem, perfectionism and other issues we’ve talked about so far. Change that internal talk, don’t listen to the inner critic, tell yourself kind, loving things. Tell yourself it’s okay to make mistakes. Tell yourself you’re good enough and worthy, even if you’ve made some mistakes in the past, and will still be making more mistakes in the future. We’re human, it’s in our nature to make mistakes.

Your parents wanted you to be a superhuman, you were denied to make mistakes. Well, now give yourself that right and free yourself from the heavy burden of perfection. You’re a human, not a robot.

I would like to note that on the other thread you said you don’t know how to journal, while here you said you spent 2 hours journaling yesterday. On the other thread you’re questioning whether therapy would help you, while here you said you’d probably try therapy next month.

Please be honest, Addy/SereneWolf/Saiyan – mostly with yourself. If you don’t like the idea of therapy, because you believe you’d be judged, because you’re surrounded with people who believe that “only crazy and mentally unstable people need psychotherapy” – well, you can say this. I won’t judge you if you’re uncomfortable going to therapy. In fact, it’s good to know that you would probably feel judged by your parents and you don’t want that. So, fear of their judgment is present in you. Okay, notice it, admit it, write it down. There is more chance to resolve it if you first admit it to yourself.

I did start spending time with my neighbor’s little kid. and oh boy It’s really fun. and funny enough I do feel kinda caring father towards him. I’m teaching him how to ride a bicycle and it did give me water in the corner of my eyes time to time.
So does that counts?

Nice to hear that! If you approach him with lots of love and patience, not scolding him for not getting it right immediately, then yes, it can be a wonderful experience for you – to experience how it is to have a loving, patient, empathic father, rather than a strict, angry and judgmental one. So yes, I think it’s helping your inner child too!

I am glad you’ve watched both videos by Dr. Henry Cloud, and that you like the concept that anger is a signal, not a solution.

As for empathy, you said:

Important thing I realized that it makes them think you’re on their side and it builds trust and how much important communication style is… And also think how would I feel?

Well, in fact, empathy is when you don’t pretend that you understand the other person’s point of view, but that you truly try to understand it and put yourself in their shoes. The way you phrased it (it makes them think you’re on their side) can be interpreted as if you’re not really on their side, but only pretend to be, so you can build trust. Just wanted to clarify this – in case there was a misunderstanding.

Dear SereneWolf,

And yes, people around me does makes me feel like psychotherapy isn’t normal so I’m hesitant for that. I apologize if it showed up in different mannered way

I think I understand why you decided to start a new thread, under a new name – maybe in part because you wanted other opinions about how to help yourself without therapy? The truth is that you can do a lot for yourself without therapy, including work on diminishing your inner critical voice too. But having a supportive, positive voice (or voices) in your surroundings is also very important, because you can’t do it on your own entirely – you can’t pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

I’m again going to suggest a video by Dr. Henry Clod (he has a video on almost any topic! 🙂 ). It’s titled “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“. He talks about self-help but also other people’s help – be it in form of therapy or coaching or a support group, or even just friends who will support you and encourage you rather than judge you and criticize you.

For example, you say that you are surrounded by people who judge those who go to psychotherapy:

I’m surrounded with people who thinks only crazy and mentally unstable people needs psychotherapy.

Are those judgmental people only your parents, or also your girlfriend, friends and colleagues? Is there anybody in your life who would actually be supportive of you working on yourself, so you can be happier and more satisfied than you are now? If not, I suggest you surround yourself with positive people, who have your true best interest in mind, not by those who think they know what’s best for you.

Dear SereneWolf,

I am glad that it helped you to get a different perspective – that of growth instead of disease. And also that you were reminded that we all need help, regardless of our position in the company and the level of success we have. In fact, it could be that successful people are more open to getting help (i.e. to work on themselves), and that’s what makes them so successful! I am not sure about this, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it were true.

I’d say mostly some of my friends and colleagues. Because at work I’m spending time with them and when I’m out I’m spending time with them, and I guess like me they may have vulnerability issues like me too that’s why they’re afraid of opening up.

Okay, so it’s not your parents but your friends and colleagues, the people you spend most of your time with. I think you’re right – they too probably don’t feel comfortable talking about their issues, but pretend that everything is fine. I don’t want to use stereotypes but sometimes when men get together, it’s hard to really talk honestly – it’s all about joking, sarcasm and trying to verbally outsmart each other. I am not saying all men are like that, but they are more prone to putting on a mask of a “tough, cool guy”, because that’s what they think is expected of them. And it’s a defense mechanism – they think that showing vulnerability is weak and dangerous. So they just do what they think is safe – which is to pretend. Maybe you’re surrounded by those kind of guys (and maybe girls too)?

Dear SereneWolf,

well it was cold and rainy for the weekend, but now it’s cold and sunny, which is a much better option 🙂

That could be right just yesterday I watched video on LinkedIn by Simon Senek how vulnerability could the greatest power in leadership position

I like Simon Sinek, yes he talks a lot about true leadership and I think that according to him, good leadership has some components of good parenting. I remember he said “good leaders eat last”, as in taking care of your team’s needs first. In fact, I see that there’s a book of his with that title (“Leaders eat last”), but haven’t read it. In any case, Simon Sinek is definitely the person to learn from about good leadership, which includes vulnerability too.

it’s also right that creating an emotionally safe environment for your team it ain’t no easy work. But somehow, I’ll learn

No, it’s not an easy work, but it starts with you, as their leader. First you’d need to embrace vulnerability as something positive, as a virtue, not a weakness. And then you can encourage others too…

I watched the video “This is how you replace the critical voices in your head“.

Glad you watched the video! And that you’re planning to watch his video on setting boundaries too. I really like his style, he explains things so well. In fact he is an executive coach too, and I guess he too teaches vulnerability (and boundaries) to leaders as well. I am really glad to have people like him and Simon Sinek influence the business community…

Things I noticed like you said before I do have to surround myself with positive people. And I see that I do interact with positive people. Some of my friends gives me good vibes and even at work It’s going good.

from my experience most of the female friends (not gfs) that I have they’re more open and vulnerable they trust in me, empathy, communication their way to express their selves can’t be even compared with my guy friends.

Good to hear that! It’s also good that you have female friends who are open and honest with you, show empathy and don’t pretend when they communicate with you. And if they are also positive, having in general an optimistic outlook on life and are supportive when you need it – then it’s a great treasure. Those are really good, valuable friends!

As for the guys, maybe some of them are positive because they believe they have to be positive, that it’s expected of them:

The thing is that my group is always like take everything down with smile, don’t say No (Which is like my biggest problem) because we feel like we should be capable of anything, and we shouldn’t disappoint people by Saying NO.

Do you, as a team leader, never say NO to your supervisors, even though you sometimes have concerns about the feasibility of the task? Do you feel you shouldn’t disappoint your bosses, and so you accept everything, and then you and your team suffer as the result? I’m asking because I’d like to understand the dynamics…

But the thing is that people everywhere taking criticism very seriously and praise very lightly that’s what I noticed and same thing is happening with me. So I’ve decided to start new thing for my team if someone is doing better at least 3 people closest to the member and included team leader should write little handwritten note (Even if just a small sticky note) to make that person feel like that did something good and it would cheer them.

I am not sure if I understood it well: so you’re planning to introduce a system of appreciative notes – for those who are performing well, or exceeding the average performance (if someone is doing better)? Or is it for those who were criticized and have improved their performance since?

And building neuroplasticity with practice – What’s your experience with that so far?

Well, I can tell you that my inner critical voice is very silent, almost inaudible nowadays 🙂 It doesn’t mean I am not aware of my weaknesses, it’s just that I have much more compassion and understanding for myself than before. I don’t know if this would be visible in how those neurons in the brain are firing, but that’s what happened 🙂 I do still have anxiety in certain situations, my amygdala getting triggered, but it’s not related to my self-esteem. So I definitely am different than I was years ago…