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This topic contains 19 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  SteveRodger 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #306489

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Hello everyone who is reading this

    I am not sure why but my female friend seems to be avoiding me or staying away from me. I texted her on Wednesday and she has left me on read since that day. She said that she is seeing someone and I texted and congrats her but she left me on read. We are suppose to go on a day trip next month and I ask her whether is it okay for her to go out with me since she is seeing someone, I was left on read too. During work, I saw her and asked whether she did receive my text which she said yes. I even ask her if she wants to cancel trip which she deny and say to proceed on with the trip.

    I still see her at work which she seems a little okay but probably distant from me. I do not know whether I am being annoying towards her. And before Wednesday, when we are conversing, everything seems ok.

    I feel the need to prompt and ask her about it but at the same time, I do not want to make it a point that I am thinking too much about the whole situation but at the same time, I do want to find out what exactly went wrong. I share this matter to a few friends of mine and they told me to give her a few day space before texting her again. One of my friend said maybe she is annoy by me.

    #306501

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Barry,

    You seem to be referring to this girl as your friend rather than your girlfriend.  She is now seeing someone which means she has a boyfriend.  If she isn’t replying to your texts then she is attempting to cut contact with you.  How can you go on a trip with her if she is not really communicating with you?  I think, from what little you say, that would be very awkward for both of you.

    How long have you known this person for and is there any reason for you to think that you had more than a passing friendship?

    Perhaps you could ask her out for a coffee and a chat to discuss why she is acting like this.  If she refuses, then either take someone else on the trip with you or cancel it altogether.

    Peggy

    #306551

    Mark
    Participant

    Barry,

    You are puzzled about your friend’s behavior with you and want to know the possible reasons?  I suggest a sit down, face-to-face conversation with her.  Texting sucks as a way to communicate in my opinion.  Get everything out on the table and proceed from there.  Have it honest, respectful, open and loving.

    Mark

    #307317

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Hi Peggy

    I did ask her if she wants to proceed with the trip and if she is okay with going with me since she is seeing someone but I did not receive any response from her. I even ask her verbally if she wants to cancel the trip or postpone it which she  did not respond to me either.

    What is a passing friendship? I have known her for two years. I will considered that we are colleagues to acquaintance to friends to good friends. We used to talk about everything under the sun. There are some stuff that only I know about. Things have been very rocky and we both admitted that we haven’t been good friends towards each other.

    I feel that I respected her decision by asking if she wants to cancel it. I am neutral about this trip so it is up to her and since she is the one that initiated it months ago.

    #307319

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Hi Mark

    I want to do it! But it feels that it is very heavy content on the friendship and I want to keep it light at the moment. Currently, I am not even a good Friend to her because of the past months of roughness. Besides, I experienced a very close family members passing and my emotions and feelings becomes much sensitive than used to which makes it harder for me to communicate out to her at the moment.

    #307383

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Barry,

    Is this the same friend that you wrote about in the other thread?  It’s possible she’s avoiding you because she doesn’t want to feel like the mean person by going back on what she agreed to do and canceling the trip, so instead of just being direct and telling you she doesn’t want to go and possibly hurting your feelings, she’s avoiding you altogether (which, of course, also hurts your feelings but in an indirect way that she doesn’t have to feel like she caused). I don’t know whether this is her issue or not, but I see it as a possibility.

    I think you should just consider the trip cancelled. If this is why she has been weird lately, she might come back around once the date that you were supposed to go has passed.

    #307387

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    I have no idea if how she is treating me has got to be related to her wanting to cancel the trip. But I did asked her last week twice whether if the trip is on which she reply yes.

    I even asked her if we want to cancel the trip which she declined no. I have asked her a few times if the trip wants to be cancel which she declined so I am not sure if it is gonna be related to the trip.

    #307415

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Barry,

    It becomes confusing when you put forward more than one post at the same time.  Regardless of which one of you wanted this trip, I think you should take some control and cancel.  You’ve shared and talked in the past, you haven’t always been good friends to each other, things have been rocky, you’ve lost someone close to you.

    Send her a text saying you are cancelling the trip.  You are not in a good place.  It’s not her, it’s you and you can’t deal with it right now.

    Peggy

    #307427

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    I have no idea if how she is treating me has got to be related to her wanting to cancel the trip. But I did asked her last week twice whether if the trip is on which she reply yes.

    I even asked her if we want to cancel the trip which she declined no. I have asked her a few times if the trip wants to be cancel which she declined so I am not sure if it is gonna be related to the trip.

    Hi Barry,

    What I’m saying is that she may want to cancel the trip but may not want to tell you that to your face. So the more you ask her about it, the more she has to lie to you and the more she will avoid you so she won’t have to lie. I would consider the trip cancelled.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Valora.
    #307439

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    i asked her about the trip and she said it is still on and I even asked her if the person she is seeing is ok with us proceeding with the trip which she says yes.

    #307443

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Barry/ JHK:

    Having communicated with you and having studied your previous thread as JHK (now deleted), I think that the following article from https: // www. goodtherapy. org / blog / aspergers- syndrome- emotional- intelligence (no spaces) can be helpful to you if you have someone help you understanding it:

    “Emotional intelligence (EI) is generally understood to be a person’s ability to identify and assess his or her emotional state, as well as the emotional state of others. It is not related to the kind of intellectual capability or intelligence typically assessed by IQ tests. Rather, it corresponds to a person’s ability to relate to others, work in groups, read between the lines in conversation, and interpret behaviors and moods displayed by others.. High emotional intelligence provides a sort of shorthand for smooth interpersonal relations and communication.

    .. The better able you are to imagine the world from another person’s point of view, the more likely you are to score high on a measurement of emotional intelligence. Persons with high EI are able to anticipate what someone might do in reaction to certain circumstances or statements. They are able to empathize with unspoken sadness because they are able to interpret an event in ways another person is likely to interpret it, given what they know about that person. They are able to avoid certain topics of conversation because they can predict which subjects might be problematic for another person. They understand the concept of conversational finesse.

    … A person with Asperger’s syndrome experiences the world in a very different way. With a tendency to take conversations and events literally, the emotional subtext often is unseen. This can lead to behavior that appears inappropriate at best, heartless or cruel at worst

    This is the experience of challenged emotional intelligence. This is commonly the experience of a person with Asperger’s. Anxiety soars as the person wonders what he or she did wrong, what he or she failed to understand, or what was missed.

    With therapy, a person with Asperger’s can learn to decode some of what seems mysterious in the realm of emotional intelligence. It is possible to discern intellectually what may not come naturally emotionally.. Learning  helps a person with Asperger’s navigate the complex emotional undertones of daily life. It also helps relieve the free-floating anxiety that can accompany conversations and events, both familiar and unfamiliar, because it broadens the range of expectations and softens the likelihood of inadvertent blunders.

    Emotional intelligence is a challenge for individuals with Asperger’s, but it is also a fruitful topic for exploration in therapy because it is so central to most interactions with others, both in social and in intimate contexts.”

    From https: // livingautism . com / emotional- intelligence – ei – asd (no spaces):

    “The defining feature of autism spectrum disorders (ASD) is impairment in interpersonal relating and communication. This includes difficulty communicating with others, processing and integrating information from the environment, establishing and maintaining reciprocal social relationships, taking another person’s perspective, inferring the interests of others, and transitioning to new learning environments.

    While all individuals with ASD experience core social-communication deficits, we now recognize that autism-related traits are quantitatively distributed in the general population and that autism is best conceptualized as a spectrum disorder, rather than a categorical diagnosis. Even mild degrees of what might be called autistic social impairment can significantly interfere with adaptive behavior. Likewise, a combination of mild autistic symptomatology and other psychological liabilities (e.g., attention problems, mood problems, aggression) can have an adverse effect on social and emotional adjustment.

    Unfortunately, the core features of ASD may not diminish with development. Typically, individuals do not ‘‘outgrow’’ their deficits. Distress may actually increase as the social milieu becomes more complex and challenging. These difficulties may then persist well into adulthood and lead to comorbid emotional symptoms. Indeed, high stress, anxiety and depression are regularly present in persons with ASD.”

    anita

    #307447

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    It is confusing but does it mean to understand more of human emotions and behaviour In handling of such situations?

    #307453

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Barry:

    Yes it does. The exciting part of this information is that you can learn and understand more. But it requires a particular kind of teaching, or school of sorts that you need to attend, a professional setting of some kind.

    At this time, I will be away from the computer. I will be back in about 18 hours from now.

    anita

    #307459

    SteveRodger
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Any advice or suggestion particular to this thread?

    #307463

    Valora
    Participant

    Dear Valora

    i asked her about the trip and she said it is still on and I even asked her if the person she is seeing is ok with us proceeding with the trip which she says yes.

    What I’m saying is she probably was not being truthful when she said yes. If she is avoiding you, that means she does not want to go. She probably feels bad saying it to your face, so when you ask her directly, she says yes even though she means no and doesn’t actually want to go.

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