Menu

Getting along in society when you’re not normal

HomeForumsRelationshipsGetting along in society when you’re not normal

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #394848
    Brian
    Participant

    I’ve noticed for most of my life that people usually are not comfortable around me. In the past, this has caused me to withdraw. Perhaps living alone for many years has worsened my social skills. It has been difficult for me trying to come off well in job interviews. I may come off as cold, weird, and closed off to some people. I am grateful for the few friends that I’ve had for many years. It does take a lot of work for me to be comfortable around people. My sense of humor can be silly at times and I think people do not like that from a man of my age. Have any of you found it difficult to fit in that it’s holding you back? What steps did you take? What was helpful?

    #394856
    Tommy
    Participant

    Are you looking for honesty (rude as it may be)? Or,  looking for a socially polite answer?

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Tommy.
    #394871
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    I have found it difficult to socialise with people due to a lack of trust after experiencing trauma. I also have a learning disability so people often describe me as weird. But weird isn’t necessarily a bad thing. My husband is weird and I love that about him. Own your weird!

    My own low self-esteem and social anxiety issues caused me to feel uncomfortable around others.

    Seeking therapy, addressing self-esteem and social anxiety issues helped me. Also, I had to practice being around people while I was uncomfortable in order to relax around them and be more comfortable. Depending on the situation this took a great deal of time, patience and willingness to experience discomfort.

    Personally, I am not uncomfortable when discussing things with you. I experience mild discomfort when my morals and even myself as a person are dismissed. Dismissing people is often considered rude or hurtful. You have a habit of performing this behaviour.

    Do I believe that you intend to cause harm by doing this? I hope not, I believe that you may do this when you are feeling uncomfortable.

    Perhaps there is a middle ground that could be reached? That may involve altering your communication style in an effort not to dismiss people or simply thanking people for their feedback.

    Personally, I had to learn to alter my communication style and set boundaries because I had a habit of allowing abuse. Assertiveness is a great communication style that I found helpful.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #394873
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    I would add that here it might be helpful for you to politely discuss when you feel uncomfortable around others.

    In person, when socialising setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily involve discussion. It might simply be politely asking someone not to do something or politely excusing yourself. With closer friends or family discussion might be involved if they are open to it.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #394879
    Brian
    Participant

    I didn’t intend to dismiss you Hellcat. Sometimes I may not feel like answering every question put to me. A long time ago, I decided to live by my own rules. At times I did take that too far. For years, I sensed people were putting up with me to humor me. One of my convictions is not to do that to someone else. If I don’t think you’re funny, I wont laugh. If I didn’t enjoy the conversation, I might wish them a good day, but I wont say that it was great talking to them. Before I didn’t make as many compromises as I do now. The challenge is finding the balance and not feeling like a fraud.

    #394881
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    Thank you for sharing that, it means a lot! It helps me understand you.

    I don’t mind if you don’t answer questions. Your thoughts and feelings are private and it’s up to you whether you wish to discuss them.

    Life is too short to put up with people for years.I doubt many people have the capacity to do such a thing. Were there any specific things those people did that gave you that impression?

    There is a saying that you might find helpful. If someone treats you poorly, it says more about them than it does about you. This means the way that people treat each other is often dictated by their internal world. Someone in a good mood is more likely to respond positively even when confronted with challenging circumstances. Whereas someone in a bad mood might respond poorly to everything.

    I can understand the difficulty of finding the right balance and appreciate your honesty.

    I hope we can continue speaking. I think you communicated your thoughts and feelings very well. I feel this conversation has been meaningful.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #394884
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    Not sure I know what normal is but that is a different conversation.

    I think you answered your own question – the challenge is finding the balance. How we respond to others, how they respond to us,  how are we measuring that and why? The psychology of mirroring?. So many factors most of which we arn’t fully aware off.

    What is helpful?

    Be kind with yourself and others, be compassionate, laugh when you can and cry when you need to. Avoid measurement. Oh how we love to measure our experiences, our moments…  you might think we would become good at it, but were not, were really not good at it. 

    Pretty simple if we let it.  I know, But…

     

    #394888
    Brian
    Participant

    Thank you Peter and Hellcat.

    Hellcat, most people are not direct when they don’t like someone and just ignore them or fade off and stop responding to them. In the past, I used to come off as needy by trying too hard to keep contacting people. Now I just let things go if someone doesn’t respond on an equal basis. If I’m usually the one initiating conversations, that’s a sign that things are one-sided. After that, I might give it some time. If it’s apparent the person isn’t interested then I’m done.

    Peter, I understand your point about measuring things. Knowing factually correct information is something I value. However, relationships are rarely black and white.

    #394905
    Peter
    Participant

    I agree. so many factors involved when it comes to relationship and I’m not a fan of the current tendency toward ‘either’ ‘or’ reasoning.  Here I take the advice of Gandhi – Be the change you wish to see – and avoid measuring expectations and attachment to outcome.  During the process be kind to yourself.

     

     

    #394910
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    Thank you for elaborating on the issue!

    Whilst some people do this when they don’t like people there are other reasons why people act in this way.

    1) People may have difficulties that they are not discussing.

    2) Often people have fairly small circles of close friends. Then there tends to be friends that they talk to less frequently.

    3) Some people have very busy lives, especially those with children and working for example.

    4) It is really easy to read a text then put down the phone and forget about it.

    I’m not trying to defend these behaviours; simply explain that at least some of the time the intent may be different. I think it’s great that you set boundaries by not interacting with people that don’t put effort into maintaining a relationship.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Helcat.
    #394954
    Tommy
    Participant

    Normal is over rated since it is only an average of what is around at the time one is looking. Getting along in society is accepting yourself as you are presently regardless of what others think of you. Cause if you are thinking so much about what others think of you then you are too much inside your own head to see what is just outside of you. Most people are weird in one way or another. The people that get along in society do so by accepting themselves as is and being nice to others. What goes around comes around. Meaningless phrases and empty faces.

     

    “I really would rather someone not talk to me at all than say a few meaningless phrases out of obligation. I am not disrespectful to someone unless I say something disrespectful.” Actions speak louder than words. Being dismissive???

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Tommy.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Tommy.
    #394957
    Helcat
    Participant

    Yes Tommy. When you tell someone you refuse to speak to people when you disagree with their values and they share those values it is called being dismissive. Another value I have is called setting boundaries.

    #394961
    Brian
    Participant

    Thank you all for the feedback. I admit that I’m not in a great place mentally right now. Not gonna give up though.

    #394964
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Hi Brian,

    Regarding job application as, for me at least, that’s something I have learned to our a lot if preparation into before the interview – the job requirements and the organisation, especially through asking others who have worked for that organisation or in that type if position. As I have worked in the same field many years, th asts not too difficult.

    I’m very happy in my current job, largely because I like the people and I feel I fit in.  However, I have had jobs which caused me a lot of unhappiness and where people who just plain nasty.  I have had a couple jobs now in the same o organisation- one I only stayed in for 3 months.  The staff treated some of the ,  clients badly, and they soon knew I wouldn’t follow suit.  I reported them to management. It turned out they didn’t like these people either and they had wanted to get rid of some if them for years, but it’s not always easy.

    Regarding outside of the workplace, like you, I’ve got just a few good friends, one in particular, and I’m comfortable with that. I really don’t need lots of people in my life, just a few good ones.

    #394965
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Brian

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well at the moment. I hope you’re taking extra care of yourself at this difficult time? I hope you feel better soon!

    Please do not worry over what happened. You explained your intent, showed me empathy and kindness. As far as I’m concerned things are resolved between us and I have enjoyed the meaningful discussion and learning more about you. I was just responding to Tommy.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.