Home→Forums→Relationships→Girlfriend in grief left me
- This topic has 61 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 2 weeks ago by
anita.
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January 16, 2024 at 7:50 am #427006
anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
I just looked at the photo above your screen name: is this one of your sketches? It’s uniquely beautiful, the combination of reddish flowers and what seems to me like a blue ghost. I am impressed!
“I have successfully replaced my habit of talking to her with other stuffs, but it still hurts and my emotions are all over the place most of the time“- well done on replacing the habit of talking to her. You know, emotions can be a habit too: imagine making a habit of collecting your emotions from all over the place. There is a term for doing that, it’s called emotion regulation, and the practice of mindfulness is one effective way to regulate one’s emotions.
anita
January 22, 2024 at 3:27 pm #427156Blazkowich
ParticipantOk I thought I am moving on but it’s been hitting too much lately I am having sleepless nights which ruins my whole day and I stay in bed a lot of time, my condition is just pathetic I don’t even feel like a man only productive thing I have been doing is going to gym but other than that everything has turned to shit and I don’t know what to do anymore. It just hurts a lot and I am just really pissed.
January 22, 2024 at 5:16 pm #427160anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
I am sorry you are feeling badly. Can you elaborate about what you are pissed about?
anita
January 23, 2024 at 10:58 am #427174anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
From what you already shared, you feel “really pissed“, really angry with her, because you feel betrayed and thrown away by her breaking up with you: “I felt really betrayed and I never expected her to do this to me… there’s a part of me which hates her for throwing me away“.
I know that you feel thrown away, but in reality, you were not thrown away: you are living in the same physical circumstances in which you lived before you knew her, same circumstances in which you lived during the short-term relationship. Maybe you have been unhappy with your living circumstances for a long time and the relationship with her was a way for you to distract yourself from this unhappiness. And now that the relationship has ended, you lost that distraction. Any truth to this?
Also, I know that you feel betrayed, but I don’t see the betrayal. You only met her in-person 3 times. Never got engaged or married, didn’t have children together… You lived separately and she is only 19, a student.
It reads like she was honest with you when she told you that the way or ways you cared for her were hurting her: “Her exact words before leaving me was that the fact that I am there caring for her is hurting her“.
On your part, supporting her made you happy (“supporting her made me happy“), on her part, it made her unhappy. This means that what you considered supportive of her, she considered hurtful, which is not supportive.
In your original post 17 days ago, you wrote in regard to your ex girlfriend: “She was also offended over the fact that I advised her to visit a therapist“- is it possible for you to visit a therapist?
I am asking because I would like you to look deeper into what is happening in your mind and heart, heal and get stronger and wiser from this relationship experience. And to do that, you need support and guidance.
anita
January 23, 2024 at 12:04 pm #427175Blazkowich
Participant<p style=”text-align: left;”>Maybe you have been unhappy with your living circumstances for a long time and the relationship with her was a way for you to distract yourself from this unhappiness. And now that the relationship has ended, you lost that distraction. Any truth to this?</p>
Nope I was actually happy before and during the relationship, I was growing even before the relationship but ever since the breakup it’s just unbearable.I am currently seeing a therapist but not offline, I don’t know how to even continue living without her. I get this strong urge to just call her but the way she disrespected me and threw me away and I know if I do call her she’ll hurt me again.
January 23, 2024 at 12:19 pm #427177anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
“I am currently seeing a therapist but not offline“- and the online therapist has not been helpful so far?
“the way she disrespected me“- in what words said and actions done, did she disrespect you?
anita
January 23, 2024 at 2:23 pm #427181Blazkowich
ParticipantI have had a long history of anxiety related issues but I fixed them, but now they have returned after the breakup I don’t know how.
She disrespected me by breaking up over a phone call and not respecting all my efforts but I know she’s not at a place mentally (just like I am right now), I know she isn’t because she’s avoiding confrontation. But I hate it that I am still attached to her and I have feelings for her, it’s just hurting me in the end.
January 23, 2024 at 3:19 pm #427185anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
“She disrespected me by breaking up over a phone call“- but the great majority of your long- distance relationship took place over the phone (you saw her in-person only 3 times), therefore, it was appropriate for her to break up with you over the phone.
“She disrespected me by.. not respecting all my efforts“- I think that she appreciated your efforts, it’s just that she didn’t want your efforts because your efforts were hurting her (she told you so).
From personal experience, I too didn’t want the efforts of help of a certain person because (this is my personal experience, not saying it’s hers) this person heavily guilt-tripped me, using their efforts to make me feel indebted. Therefore, their efforts hurt me and I definitely didn’t want any such effort to “help” aka hurt me.
“I have had a long history of anxiety related issues but I fixed them, but now they have returned after the breakup I don’t know how“- a long history of anxiety related issues does not get fixed and done with. Anxiety never disappears for good, not as long as we’re alive. There are better and worse days, and currently you are at a worse time.
“I hate it that I am still attached to her and I have feelings for her, it’s just hurting me in the end“- I understand. This relationship and breakup has hurt you in the end, but you can look forward to a better time, and continue the slow, patient process of promoting and improving your mental health, starting with not hating your feelings, but accepting your feelings as they are, without judgment.
anita
January 23, 2024 at 4:49 pm #427187Blazkowich
Participant“but the great majority of your long- distance relationship took place over the phone (you saw her in-person only 3 times), therefore, it was appropriate for her to break up with you over the phone.”
Oh it’s her actually who kept in insisting on closing the distance, she was the one who made it official and serious as well. I would’ve waited for a lot more in person dates to get serious but it didn’t take much. Yes over a video call is less intimate than in person but we were on the same page regarding our relationship. I put in a lot of efforts, even closed the distance between us, as I said earlier, I selfishly wanted to care for her as much as possible because whenever I saw her wether in person or video call I would feel so bad it hurted me. I don’t know if it’s attachment or love, I have been in no contact the attachment is less now but I still choose her, because I made promises, I made plans too.
“this person heavily guilt-tripped me, using their efforts to make me feel indebted.”
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I am so sorry that happened to you, but are you sure? Now I am having second thoughts if she considers my efforts as guilt tripping too.</p>January 23, 2024 at 4:53 pm #427188Blazkowich
Participantbut the great majority of your long- distance relationship took place over the phone
Also the reason behind this is 3 months back I was really far away so we couldn’t possibly meet often, it’s just after I closed the distance and before her cat died we met twice and planned that we’ll meet every other weekend. We made a lot of plans, it’s all gone now. If she told me to wait for months I would’ve, but she just threw me away like I don’t matter at all, I even asked her if the relationship is burdening or is it me she said it’s the relationship, then why is she cutting me off as well?
January 23, 2024 at 5:06 pm #427189anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
“I am so sorry that happened to you, but are you sure?“- thank you, and yes, I am sure.
“Now I am having second thoughts if she considers my efforts as guilt tripping too“- maybe she did because she said that she feels like an evil person in the relationship (I tried to find that quote just now, but didn’t find it). This is how I felt when I was guilt-tripped, like a bad person who was ungrateful for good, undeserved deeds (those efforts to help me).
Did you repeatedly mention to her your efforts, how difficult those efforts were for you to make, how hard you tried and suggested that she was ungrateful, anything like that?
anita
January 23, 2024 at 5:24 pm #427190Blazkowich
ParticipantDid you repeatedly mention to her your efforts, how difficult those efforts were for you to make, how hard you tried and suggested that she was ungrateful, anything like that?
Nah not even a single time, I understood her so I never told her that she isn’t giving her enough. She herself kept apologising that she isn’t giving enough and everytime she did I told her “it’s fine just focus on your mental well-being for now, that’ll be enough for me and if you need anything I’ll always be here”. Infact I never did something for her if she doesn’t want it, I don’t wanna shove my help on her face that’s why I always asked her if she wants something. Only this time when I contacted her friend I really wanted to do something because Christmas was coming. I thought maybe I will bake up a cake or gift her something or atleast order something for her to eat if she doesn’t want to meet me.
But I never ever mentioned making efforts the only time I did was after the breakup because I was really hurt. Infact I even told her, I don’t care if she doesn’t reciprocate at all, but I want to know how she’s doing cause if I don’t know that I get worried.
January 23, 2024 at 5:45 pm #427191anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
“I told her ‘it’s fine just focus on your mental well-being for now, that’ll be enough for me and if you need anything I’ll always be here“- that’s a loving thing to say, I am impressed. And good thing you didn’t guilt trip her during the relationship.
Here is what I suggest: think of the relationship and the breakup as a course of study, an experience from which you are supposed to learn life lessons, lessons about people (you, her): what positively motivates people, what turns people off, what causes problems, what brings (or could bring) solutions.. how to prevent problems from happening in the first place, etc.
When you are calm and awake enough, re-read our 3-page communication and take notes in regard to what I mentioned in the paragraph above, and submit a study post for me next, if you would like to. I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours from now).
anita
January 23, 2024 at 7:36 pm #427192Blazkowich
ParticipantI am really confused and afraid of loving anymore, in future relationships I don’t think I’ll be able to love someone as much as I did here. Today I had another sleepless night because I kept thinking about her.
January 23, 2024 at 8:09 pm #427193anita
ParticipantDear Blazkowich:
I want you to have a restful night next, a change from sleepless nights. Don’t give up on love, Blazkowitch.. learn what you need to learn and it will be okay.
anita
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