I got lost for a while reading my old posts on this forum. So many things happened! So many things changed. Many haven’t changed.. but If I think about it there aren’t many things that haven’t been upgraded in some way. I remember when I wrote the first post.. the very, very long post. I was in Cluj, in a room I was renting there – my girlfriend at the time was away visiting her family in Germany and I took advantage of a few days on my own to try to shed some light into my blurry and anxious life. I was suffering soo deeply back then – and I had no tools to work with myself. My relationship wasn’t great.. although I was trying to convince myself it was. Also I was hurting so much and I just didn’t know why – I was looking for answers but didn’t have clarity.

Fast forward what.. 5..6 years? I’m in a room I’m renting in Spain – girlfriend back in Poland. Laying in bed listening to some very relaxing and grounding stuff. ( Pave the way ( 1hr ) – Organic Downtempo Nature Improvisation w/ Mose & Natan Rabin ). Well – I am certainly more grounded now. I’ve certainly found my way to connect, relax and focus. Doing sports,  meditating, breath work and yoga have been the fuel for my cleansing process. I sometimes look at my morning ritual I can’t believe Its really me doing all these things. Back in 2018 that would’ve been impossible. But let’s set aside the yogi stuff.

Isn’t it a little similar?

As I said. Many things have changed but some still haven’t really. I am still unsure of many things and ( now ) I’m partially relying on my family for financial support. ( back then I had no income of my own ). This time, my relationship couldn’t be more different than the previous one. I do sometimes have doubts about my ability to have a healthy relationship.. sometimes I feel like I’m struggling but I found that communication works miracles. This time I have the awareness to at least spot when I get triggered.. to feel when I’m acting from my ego ( mask ) / wounded child.  I also recently realised that I was able to work for 3 years online, making a decent income – indeed in a very comfy manner which worked for me really well and made everything easier. Now, recently I was working 2 jobs ( both of them quite uncomfortable in many ways ) – I managed to handle both of them well without feeling too anxious. I did feel anxious at first – but quickly I started feeling a lot more confident. ( until the headaches started… and then I just feel like sh*t  – but what can I do? nobody likes a headache ).

S0.. although most things have changed, again I see myself reliving the same situation – relying on my parents financial support and not fully standing on my own feet. I see something is still holding me back. Not long after I’ve had my second job and I had the prospect of being fully independent again I seem to fall back on my armchair. Might not even be my armchair. I’m a very fit and active guy and I surely don’t like sitting. When I was doing the online job I was often working on a standing desk.

This is something I’d like to solve. I am very grateful for being in a position where I can ask for financial help If I need it – I am very much aware many don’t. But I am also aware that this ”connection” keeps me stuck and doesn’t allow me to grow further.

Now.. part of me thinks I should stay here in Alicante and do whatever it takes to have a job – any job to be able to maintain my financial independence. And in many ways that might as well be the right thing to do. But it doesn’t feel right either. The more work I have the less I have time to visit my girlfriend. So then.. our relationship would suffer a lot. Ideally I should do this same thing ( working on my financial independence ) wherever she is.

I seem to miss Warsaw a lot, you know that already – but I also have doubts.. I would have to live with my girlfriend and her mother ( again ) . ( until I have a decent income and afford renting something ). Also, If I don’t find work right away, I’m thinking of going to Romania for a while until I find something in Warsaw and then move. What you said really resonated with me.

Going “home”.. better get more clarity about your purpose there: what would it be? Better not be motivated by nostalgia alone (selective memory, remembering the good; forgetting the bad). Looking at the title of your thread: better you don’t procrastinate- or press the Pause feature on-  becoming an adult, by going back “home”.

Well – nostalgia there is of course. There are many things I love there. There are beautiful hills and forests I know like the back of my hand. I like walking around such places, running, connecting to the nature. This is very important for me. Also, there are nice twisty roads I also happen to know really well. Not sure you know, but I’m a lot into cars – fast ones especially. Driving a car to its absolute limit has been my ”drug” for years – that has been my escape. Also the nice food, we live in the countryside so we get fresh eggs from our neighbours, cheese etc. My dad makes home made wine and my mother cooks delicious foods. These things I miss, yes.

I don’t miss being controlled and observed by my parents all the time though. But does it have to be like that? I suppose I’ve learned a couple of things lately. I believe my defence systems also evolved in the last years – I think I can set my boundaries better now. I’d like to be able to go back to what I believe is partly my house, to the country I grew up in, without being afraid of becoming a trapped kid again. I don’t want to be avoiding going there – that place should be a place where I can feel at home and I don’t want to run away from it. I’ve done that already so many times – always with tears in my eyes. Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. I might not want to live there but I also don’t want to run away from it. I am here to heal my wounds and find my voice.  I’m not going to settle for anything that keeps me away from doing the inner work I need to do. This is what REALLY matters so it should be a priority. I know so many people who I see and feel – they are struggling, suffering, having very difficult pasts which they don’t deal with at all. They work 12 hours a day instead.. very often jobs they don’t enjoy – and when they don’t, they drink / smoke / scroll their Tiktock – Tiktok – how tfck do you write that anyways?!

There has to be a way to do this. There has to be a way to find my financial independence, become a more responsible adult and be OKAY with my past. I don’t want to keep running away from the place that wounded me. The place hasn’t done a thing to me anyways.

I’m finding that way. I’m just a bit confused.. as one should be. Times are confusing and everything is moving so fast. I hope all I wrote makes some sense..

What do you think Anita?

I am very surprised and happy to know you are as well Romanian! I am also only half Romanian, my father is from Hungarian descent. Such small world indeed. Sending you all the best!!! 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

I didn’t know that you spent 2-3 months straight with them every year. You say it felt uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel terrible? Those 2-3 months per year didn’t hurt your quest of “growing up- becoming adult” (title of your thread)? 

Well, it didn’t feel terrible.. I was working from home, very often in the garden and in my free time I was doing my workouts and spend a lot of time in the nature. I was be mostly on my own when I was there.  They live in a much bigger house now, where I finally have my own room and a separate entrance –  so in that respect I do get a lot more privacy. The worst part was the fact that we don’t really talk much when I’m there.. There isn’t that much to talk about.. so they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my things.

Or perhaps the 2-3 months per year felt worse than uncomfortable, but you let the worse slide off from your awareness (just as you let the t slide off from the adult, in the title of your thread, lol)?

I mean… I don’t hate them. I might’ve hated them as a child but right now I don’t. Although they hurt me a lot while I was a child I right now understand that they themselves haven’t had healthy childhood experiences.. they also have been traumatised by their parents –  especially my mother. I don’t think they treated me right.. absolutely not.. but I see them. I know they didn’t want to hurt me and they acted upon their own fears and inability to do any better. They weren’t able to be nurturing parents for me because they haven’t been exposed to that themselves. Of course things would’ve been different if they did treat me differently. What if they themselves would’ve been treated better as children? They didn’t have access to the information I have now and they also didn’t have the opportunity or the courage to dig deeper / travel / spend time alone and introspect etc. Communist Romania wasn’t what you’d call the land of opportunity. They rushed out of their difficult childhoods into studies still under the communist regime where they were basically taught by frustrated teachers who took it out on them sometimes not only verbally.  Right after that they landed  jobs. ( in Communist Romania everyone had to work or they’d be imprisoned ). What’s left then? Getting married and having kids – like 99% of people there. And that’s what they did. They still work there now – nothing has changed.

They didn’t deal with any of the shit their parents had done to them. They must’ve blocked it all and got bottled up. They took it out on me – and had no idea where all that came from – and neither did I ( at least not until recently ).

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not trying to defend them.. there is no point. But knowing these things and seeing them the way I do I find it hard to bock them completely. I still believe healing is possible, even if not completely. I do believe there are ways for us to heal and accept each other more. They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago, there are no more uncles, aunts, cousins who are in close contact with them. They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis..  my mother is stuck on her phone almost non stop scrolling social media – she’s heavily addicted. She cannot listen to more than 10 seconds of any of my stories without getting distracted and tuning out. At the end of my conversation there will usually be no reaction from her.. she just has no idea what I’ve said to her. There are also many physical conditions which are very severe.. which she doesn’t seem to want to improve. Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on. My father is a lot healthier physically and mentally- he also had a much ”lighter” version of the let’s call it communist childhood. Similarly he likes to scroll his phone too.. quite a lot. There is no day without alcohol ( not getting drunk but just lubricating his reality a little ), he like buying useless shit in hope to make himself feel better. He doesn’t. Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them. ( I know.. I don’t much competition do I :)) ? ) Maybe that is true.. or maybe not. Maybe they are not capable of loving me in an authentic way really. But you know what.. I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family.. as much as we can and know so far.

However, I think cutting them off financially speaking is an absolute must. Although it has been very difficult to break free from it I think this disconnection is needed in order to heal further and have a better relationship. 

Indeed, that means growing, adulting. Yes – an adult will be financially independent from his parents. Also I believe trying to understand and showing genuine interest in where they came from and what their experiences have been –  this as well is a sign of adulting ( at least in my book ). Having reached a point where I see things with more clarity and not only forgive but also be willing to compassionately understand instead of punishing. Shouldn’t this as well be a sign of adulting? I feel it it might be.

What words of disappointment and discouragement have they said to you during the 2-3 months you’ve spent with them in the last 4 years? How did you feel hearing them?

Well.. they would say all sorts of things to me. Some more supple some less. Very often they would criticise my old job and try to steer me towards a different career, even offered to pay for my studies ( if I decided a change of career ). They wanted me to make more money and ”have something more stable ”. Also trying to persuade me and my girlfriend into having kids or getting married. We never took these remarks seriously and didn’t give much energy to them. I guess sometimes u have to see things for that they are.

I think they would feel disappointed if I left Spain. While I lived in Poland they encouraged me to move back to Spain because I speak the language and It’ll be a lot easier to find work there ( here ). They would often point out that the fact I don’t speak polish makes things very difficult when finding a job. – which I agree. Also they don’t seem to realise that people work in English these days quite a lot.

Now.. about me going to Warsaw and from there to Romania. I don’t know. Ideally I would stay there. Since I haven’t managed to build a good financial foundation since I came here.. my savings will run out rather sooner than later. If I stayed there for long looking for work I would run out. That’s why going to Romania makes more sense financially, since I would spend a lot less money there –  but then again also traveling there will add some costs. It wouldn’t be my parents paying for my travels though. What I’d like to avoid is being in Warsaw with no source of income or savings – in case I don’t find work right away. This is still something I have to think of.

These days I keep questioning if leaving Alicante is actually the right thing to do or not.. I’m so tired, stressed and foggy lately and I don’t seem to know how to choose anymore.

I see you are pointing to me that my parents still have a big influence in my functioning . That’s true,  I haven’t ”adulted” as much as I’d like and it doesn’t feel great. I think I’m doing the best I can, the best I’ve learned so far. I might be doing it the wrong way.. maybe healing the past means cutting off everything. I haven’t come to that conclusion yet though. The more I learn – the more I see how little I understand. That’s ridiculous.

Thank you Anita,

Have a good day / night ahead!

Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for the time you spent on my childhood puzzle. I read your reply today and I’ve been thinking about it for some time now. Like always, I think you’re on to something. I agree there is some attachment issue I need to look into and you are not the first person to point me there. I see 🙂

I’m now in the middle of my English class so I’ll get back to you tomorrow 🙂

Just wanted to say Thank You!

Robi

Dear Anita,

These days I’ve felt so foggy I didn’t manage to sit down and write anything… A few days ago I talked to my parents and I told them I don’t feel that good here and I’m considering going back to Warsaw. As expected they were not supportive at all and they kept telling me over and over that I should stay here because there are more and better opportunities for me here – reminding me how I used to complain about living in Warsaw ( with my girlfriends mother, the flat, the weather, etc. ). The days that followed I kept thinking and rethinking.. not really being able to fully decide anything. Since I bought that ticket 2 weeks ago I keep feeling like this… Before I bought it I felt like I wanted to go to Warsaw.

My girlfriend will be here in 2 days.. and after a week of being here together we are supposed to go to Warsaw together. I told the school and the landlord I’m leaving already. But still, I don’t feel like I fully decided. Maybe I’ve been thinking about this for too long… I’ve been really stressed about these things and I feel like I need a break from this subject.. I feel like I need to focus on something else.

Also… if I go to Warsaw, for a while I would have to live with her mother… and that doesn’t feel great.. also knowing she’s not very comfortable I’ll be back there – she felt quite offended by my behaviour ( not liking it there and knowing she was the reason ). I don’t really have another option at the moment. Whenever I manage to have an income there we’ll try to find a better solution.

What a mess all this is… 🙁 I’m so damn tired these days…

I hope you are doing fine and having a good day 🙂

Robi