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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 277 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 21 hours, 58 minutes ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 256 through 270 (of 278 total)
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  • #298535

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    If what you are referring to in regards to happily-ever-after is what you already experienced for six months before, then yes, of course you can experience that again. But those six months were not perfect, just much better than now, correct?

    “All I had to say was NO! Why didn’t I?”- I don’t know the story behind that sentence. I don’t really know what happened after your other aunt died, what transpired (I know a few disconnected details, but not the story!). Do you want to tell me about that NO, what you are referring to and what happened???

    anita

    #298557

    Nichole
    Participant

    I believe the reason I was becoming more confident was because I was setting so many boundaries with friends and family and now I reacted and handed that power away!

    what I meant by saying no! Is when my brother asked for the meeting. Where they shattered me and gaslit me and leavening me in self doubt and confusion. Giving me unbelievable panic and tremors throughout my body that night and for weeks after causing me to miss the burial and react impulsively hence giving my power away. Causing me to be now depressed, sleep deprived and lonely. Without a clue where to go next!

    #298561

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your younger brother suggested a meeting, for what purpose? And what happened there? (don’t share if it stresses you out)

    * I will be away from the computer for a while.

    anita

    #298645

    Nichole
    Participant

    I mean the meeting my older brother requested after the wake, where I was accused of pushing my mom to her death of being a bad godmother and the night I went home with tremors and haven’t been the same since.

    #298655

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your older brother who sexually abused you for years, and who never acknowledged to you that he did, never expressed regret for what he has done for years, proceeded to recently accuse you of being a bad godmother to his child and of pushing your mother to her death, did I understand correctly?

    (If I did understand correctly, I didn’t get it until just now, that he accused you of these things recently)

    Can you tell me what he specifically say in that meeting, word for word, best you remember, what others said and how that meeting ended?

    anita

    #298669

    Nichole
    Participant

    Here is what happened, we all had not been talking much due to my boundaries against their abuse. We sat down me brothers and dad. Older b goes after dad, then I can’t remember much I do remember I said a lot of things myself (I am not innocent) I may have shamed then by saying truthful things that hurt me. I told older b that he is controlling and manipulating. He asked for examples and said he wasn’t manipulative. I told younger b he is in toxic relationship and abandoned me when I needed him. In the end younger b said I expect perfection and I pushed my mom so hard on her death bed, my older brother said “be a fucking god mother” and made comments about how I am not according to his woman and daughter. I lashed out and said they don’t make a path for me that his family is disrespectful. I then got up and said I couldn’t take any more and left the house. My younger b went to his room and said I love you from the room not oooking at me. Which is creepy and older b and dad outside smoking a cigarette gave me hugs and said bye. I was hurt and broken and they watched me leave. Didn’t attend burial and didn’t hear a thing from either brother. My dad called couple days later and said are we ok? I don’t see why wouldn’t be but now I feel I should have said more. I went to church with him after. I hate that! I feel so suppressed. He let me get slaughtered and he was recently supporting me so it was shocking. I am just so hurt!!!! And feel so powerless since then I have made so many reactive decisions and now am not in contact with many and look like the troubled one.

    #298679

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Here is what I see from where I am:

    1. Your older brother should pay you significant financial restitution for having sexually abused you when you were a child and he was significantly older than you, abuse that took place for many years.

    He has no right to criticize you in any way, shape or form. Telling you, “be a f*&** godmother!” is obscene, coming from the mouth of a sexual predator.

    My recommendation is that you end any and all contact with him, his partner and his children. Because you live far away from them and therefore his children are not emotionally attached to you, this will not hurt his children. (I forgot if he has one child or more).

    2. Your father is half responsible for the miserable childhood you suffered, including for not noticing and/ or protecting you from said sexual abuse. You have no duties and no obligations toward your father. He did you no favors, you owe him nothing.

    3. Your other brother, he is the only person of the bunch who may have a bit of a heart. Except that his comment that you pushed your mother to her death is very incorrect. I can see that he is not aware of what happened. You didn’t push her toward her death, for crying out loud! What a terrible accusation which I hope came from his confusion and misunderstanding.

    For as long as he doesn’t ask you for money (my previous concern), he may be the only person you may want to have contact with, if he takes back what he said. If he truly understands that his accusation was untrue.

    4. I would forget about the aunts, uncles and cousins.

    Another point, sure you were full of anger during that meeting, how can it possibly be otherwise? I mean you were sitting with a man who sexually abused you, a father who didn’t protect you and who didn’t take care of you as a child, a family that is so far, far from what you needed all along. How wouldn’t you be angry.

    You can not empty your brain from the injustices done to you by these people. The law of Cause and Effect doesn’t allow cancelling the Effect, it will be like trying to cancel gravity.

    Your anger is a problem because it will come up against people in your life that you will meet and who didn’t do you any harm. This is where your anger will be a problem. Not with these people you were sitting with in that meeting.

    – when will you give up on the delusion that you have a … loving family and that you are the reason things went wrong, not them… but you? A child is not responsible for what the adults or for older siblings do to the child or allow to happen to the child. What went wrong when you were a child, was the responsibility of those older than you. And it is these older-than-you-people, all of them older than you, in that meeting.

    anita

    #298725

    Nichole
    Participant

    I know you are right!! And I know I was abused but why am I self blaming? Why am I so insecure and can’t move right now? Why do I have to be in so much pain?

    My oldest brother is in town again and asked to meet for dinner?

     

    why is this happening to me? How do I react in these situations. I still haven’t dealt with the trauma. I can’t sleep.

    Anita I feel like I’ll never heal and my life is ruined. I was becoming happy and handed my power over! Why???

    #298731

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    If it helps, I wasn’t in a better shape than you are now when I was your age, and for a ong time. I am doing so much better now, in the last few years, and so can you!

    Why did you hand your power over? Because you were never safe within your family and you keep wanting them to give you that feeing of safety. Nothing feels better for a scared child/ adult than the feeling of safety. So, it is that hope for the best feeling in the world that you keep chasing.

    I don’t like the idea of you meeting your older brother for dinner. What does he want.. what do you want from such a meeting?

    anita

    #298737

    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you and I am glad you are better!

    I am not sure what he wants, I don’t think I should go but then I’m like maybe I can make peace with a convo. Let him and my family know I need time to heal myself. And time away period.

    #298741

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    If you attend that dinner so to say goodbye, to let your family know that you will be taking time away from them all, no contact for as long as it takes you to heal, then it may be a good idea to attend that dinner.

    Don’t give them your power again if you meet them. It may be an opportunity for you to take your power back by asserting no- contact for as long as it will take you to heal.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 12 hours ago by  anita.
    #298959

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am wondering about how you are doing today and if you attended that dinner?

    anita

    #298989

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I am actually feeling good today. I slept all night! Took 2 Benadryl. Woke up with less anxiety and more motivation. But still so many thoughts. Did not go to dinner and haven’t responded yet. To any of my family who has called or anything. I just have no words but hate that I’m not responding because I look like the crazy one then.

    #299001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I am glad you finally slept the whole night !!!

    Regarding looking like “the crazy one”- if someone watched that meeting you told me about, having no knowledge of your family history, maybe they will think that you are the crazy one. But I have knowledge of the history of your family, therefore, if I observed it I wouldn’t think of you as the crazy one. Maybe the loud one, at that meeting, the visibly or audibly angry one, but not the crazy one.

    You are most likely the sanest of them all because you see more of  reality than any of them.

    If you need help to figure out what to do next, regarding that proposed meeting, let me know.

    anita

    #299021

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita thank you! And I truly believe that. I know I am sane. I also know I am not perfect and these people have their own perceptions. I also know these people are ultimately hurting as well and battling life their own way so I am trying to play Jesus here.

    Not really sure what to do? Kind of feel like cutting all contact with family and starting over without them is harsh but also feel like staying is hurting me as well. I wish I could freeze time.

Viewing 15 posts - 256 through 270 (of 278 total)

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