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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 404 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 241 through 255 (of 405 total)
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  • #297673

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Tell the doctor exactly what is going on, how long, maybe take a few notes so you can look at them when you see a doctor, not forgetting anything important. I hope to read from you after you return from the doctor.

    anita

    #297749

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I hope you are sleeping at this time. If you are reading this and it is night time, please don’t think distressing thoughts, these will keep you up. Instead imagine something relaxing, some make believe little story that is comforting, or visualize the ocean. Good night.

    anita

    #297789

    Nichole
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    at this point I’m discouraged. Was prescribed ambien and did nothing for me! What is happening to me? I’ve never experienced this.

    #297795

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “What is happening to me”- you are experiencing insomnia, temporary I think because you “never experienced this”. My best non professional guess at this point is that if you give up on your family members, any and all of them, as the ones to rescue you, if you really give it up, you will sleep again.

    Think of this: quite a few of your family members harmed you and yet you expect those who harmed you to rescue you… doesn’t make sense, especially when you already went back to them and if they didn’t harm you further, they definitely did not rescue you!

    Give up on your hope and dream that they will realize they were wrong, then change and then rescue you.

    Again, it didn’t happen so far and you waited long enough, reconnected, tried again.. why would the next time be any different. Let’s look at your younger brother (who is older than you), he was maybe one of the least harmful overall, at times he was there for you- but did he rescue you so far, did those times that he was there for you, that you felt comfort, did those time amount to you being rescued?

    Give up the hope and you will find peace, is what I think.

    anita

     

    #297807

    Nichole
    Participant

    I know you are right. I honestly just can’t let go of the fact that I’m being exiled from my entire family because of certain narcissistic people. How is that fair? I deserve rights to my family regardless of my relationship with my aunt or brothers.

    #297809

    Nichole
    Participant

    I never wanted it to be like this, I just wanted boundaries. My doctor told me that I may have gone too far in boundaries. To be one way one day and completely cut off the next can anger family, she said it is normal. She said to stay away but not to cut ties. I’m hurt either way

    #297817

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Give up on your family. Think of them as people, that is all, people. There is nothing that connects you to them other than genetics and a shared history. You are your own person, born-to-be-free, not an extension of them, you don’t belong to them, nor do they belong to you.

    The doctor you saw, she may be competent regarding medical stuff. She is not more qualified than I am in regard to whether you should be in contact with your family or not. And she knows way less about your family story than I do !

    It doesn’t matter to me if you talk to your younger brother sometimes, or if you attend a future family event where your aunt will be present, your father… what matters to me is that you no longer expect any rescue from these people. That you acknowledge reality to yourself, that there is no help for you there, and there has been lots of hurt from them. Move on and away from them, make your own way, your own life.

    anita

    #298075

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Thinking about you, wondering how you are?

    anita

    #298455

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    I took a few days of reflection and rest. I finally cried about my mom’s death and realized my brother re opened that wound. I cried about what family has done. And I got really angry, I yelled and screamed while taking a drive about what was done to me. I am finally getting some hours of sleep thank GOD! 2 nights ago I naturally slept for 4 hours and last night I took CBD oil to relax me and fell asleep for 5 hours! Lovely.

    Now I am stuck with shame and guilt. I feel worthless again, no ambition. I feel my power has been tooken away for good. I was finally somewhere where I felt good about me. I felt good going out, and about my body regardless of imperfections and now I am down and out. The funny thing is I realize these feelings wee projected onto me. I know I was emotionally abused!! But as things settle and time goes on and the ones who hurt me so bad reach out like nothing ever happened I am quite invalidated. I hate feeling like this, it is unfair. But it was my reactions that took my power away, so much regret. Why didn’t I hold onto myself I was doing so good!! I feel like I was on the brink of escaping childhood brainwashing and now all of those beliefs run through my head again.

    #298465

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Glad you slept better and that you are back to your thread.

    “I was finally somewhere where I felt good about me… I was doing so good!!”-

    – no you weren’t. You felt better, you were not healed before. I too felt better at time, even excellent at times while I was still a very troubled person. Every troubled person experiences mental breaks of feeling  wonderful. The brain takes those breaks because it can’t … feel bad all the time. If our lives suck, we daydream of a better life and get our feeling-good break that way. Or if we focus on a job and a schedule and are set in a routine that makes us feel good, that is our break. But the trouble returns.

    So you have been communicating with your younger brother, feeling invalidated. Anything good for you, coming out of communicating with him?

    anita

     

    #298497

    Nichole
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you, I am glad to be back with some sleep under my belt. Not a lot but I am grateful for what I got. I thought I’d never sleep again!

    I know I was not healing but I was very much in the process and I was feeling so confident and happy. Not all the time but for the most part. So do you feel good now? Are you healed?

    I have not communicated with him or anyone really. I never called him back and did not show up to family gathering. But really isolating makes me feel invalidated like they won. Like I suppressed my feelings they put on me. I have been receiving texts from my cousin and aunt. My aunt like nothing after she sabotaged me!!! I just want to tell her off but know it will do no good and brings me to her level!

    #298509

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    No, I am not healed, I am healing, still in the process and… there is no “happily ever after” in life, not for anyone, so there is no “after healing-happily-ever-after”. The good feelings don’t become permanent, they shift and disappear and come back, like the weather.

    “isolating makes me feel invalidated like they won”- it’s a war then, they win, you lose. I suppose one can think of a dysfunctional family as a war zone with different battles, winners and losers. When this is the situation, as it is in yours, better exit the war zone, no more battles, no more winners and losers of the day.

    anita

     

    #298517

    Nichole
    Participant

    I have to disagree, I was on my way to a happily ever after. I really was. I know nothing is permanent but one can make a happy life. I was getting there. With boundaries, self love and healing. It hurts me to feel like you don’t agree. I’ve been on this journey with you and you have always encouraged me.

    #298523

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    It is okay to disagree. But let’s look at what you and I mean by “happily ever after”- maybe we mean different things and once we figure out what each of us mean by it, we may find out that we don’t at all disagree.

    What I mean by it is what people imagine heaven to be, a happily-ever-after experience, where there is no more sadness, no more disappointment, no more pain.

    What does happily-ever-after means to you?

    anita

    #298531

    Nichole
    Participant

    To me happily ever after is loving yourself, trusting yourself and never handing your power away during times of disappointment, sadness and hard times. Confidence is happily ever after to me and today I have 0. And I have had anxiety, fears, betrayal, and abuse in the last 6 months but I had confidence! Confidence to keep loving me and taking care of me and moving forward in life despite what was happening. I also had love for myself and others and forgiveness. But this last betrayal triggered resentment, fear, no forgiveness and unworthiness in me. It is sad, I want that happier me back! I want my power back! All I had to say was NO! Why didn’t I?

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