Good Saturday morning (here), Young 🙂

Touching something an even number of times with my right hand and then with my left is what I used to do- a whole lot. As well many other rituals, all meant to balance or undo the power of “dangerous”, unwanted thoughts, aka intrusive thoughts.

I finally figured out that my thoughts are not dangerous. There’s no one outside of me that listens to my thoughts and decides to make them come true, or to punish me for them.

I’m wondering now if OCD would happen if a person fully understood that one’s thinking is really private. Unless spoken or expressed otherwise, nobody would know.. well..

For a long time, I had a sense that God knows my thoughts and would punish me for them.

But then, I figured that I mistook God for my mother. He doesn’t judge me for my thoughts or my feelings.

I no longer judge myself for any thought or feeling that crosses my mind. I judge myself for words and acts I choose to say/ type/ do.

And frankly, my private thoughts and feelings are nobody’s business to judge just as it’s not my business to judge other people’s private thoughts and feelings.

No human has only “pretty” thoughts and ” pretty” feelings all the time 🤨

Best is to notice an unwanted thought or feeling and instead of tensing- to relax, even if it’s only for a moment- letting the brain breathe, so to speak.

We can talk about this further, if what I wrote above resonates partly or fully. You can let me know, if you want to.

Thank you for expressing empathy for me. You are a very empathetic young person. Please extend that empathy more and more to yourself 🙏

About the 2015-26 thread I mentioned, I didn’t mean that you fell out of love with your girlfriend, but that the ROCD themes it contains may resonate. It’s perfectly okay with me if you don’t read any of it.

I hope that we keep talking 🙂

Anita

Good Sunday morning, Young 🙂

You wrote in your original post: “Recently, I was standing with a friend, joking around, when I noticed Lucy nearby. It felt like I started acting a little differently, as if I wanted to look better in front of her… When I notice that a girl is looking at me, I start feeling uncomfortable. I either make awkward, unnatural movements because I’m self-conscious, or I start acting differently to make myself look better in her eyes.”-

You were joking around with a friend, relaxed, your attention was on the conversation. But the moment you noticed Lucy nearby, your attention shifted inward. You may have thought things like: ‘How do I look?’ ‘Am I standing weirdly?’ ‘Do I sound stupid?’ ‘What does she think of me?’

Instead of simply Being yourself, you started Watching yourself. That is indeed self-consciousness.

Evaluation Anxiety is the fear of being judged or disapproved of by others. The anxious person is thinking things like ‘Does she think I’m awkward?” ‘Does she think I’m attractive?’ ‘Am I making a good impression?’ The focus is on how one is being evaluated.

Many teenagers and young adults experience this.

You wrote today: “Maybe you could give me some advice on how to stop doing that? It’s just something I don’t really like about myself.”-

The goal is not to stop caring entirely what others think. Most people care at least a little. The goal is to become less disturbed by it.

A few things might help:

1. Recognize what’s happening-

When you notice a girl looking at you and suddenly you feel awkward, you can silently say to himself: ‘I’m becoming self-conscious.’

Not: ‘Something is wrong.’ Just: ‘Ah, there it is again.’

Simply noticing the pattern can reduce its power.

2. Shift attention outward-

Your attention moves from the conversation, the joke, the activity, to: ‘How do I look?’, etc. When you catch yourself doing that, you can gently return your attention to what’s actually happening around you.

3. Allow imperfection-

Part of the anxiety comes from trying to appear ‘right.’ A helpful attitude is: ‘It’s okay if I look a little awkward.’ Ironically, people often become less awkward when they stop trying so hard not to be awkward.

4. Question the assumption that you are being evaluated-

A girl looking at you does not necessarily mean she is judging you. She may be daydreaming, looking around the room, noticing your friend, or thinking about something completely unrelated. Consider those possibilities when you get anxious.

5. Practice staying natural despite the feeling-

The feeling itself is not the problem. The pattern is:

Girl looks at me → I feel self-conscious → I change my behavior.

A healthier pattern is:

Girl looks at me → I feel self-conscious → I continue doing what I was already doing.

Over time, your brain learns that nothing bad happens when you’re simply being yourself.

Young, you’re already aware of the pattern, and your awareness is a strength. The next step is learning that you do not need to obey the impulse to perform. You can feel self-conscious and still act naturally. The more often you that, the weaker the self-consciousness usually becomes.

What do you think/ feel, Young?

Anita

Hi Young!

I am sorry 😔 to read that you haven’t been feeling very well mentally in the past few days.

You said that it’s because of your thoughts and “everything else”. I wonder what everything else is about (relationship with girlfriend, with parents, school.. ?)

I wonder if you have a daily routine that includes physical exercise (that can help when struggling with elevated anxiety).

🤍 Anita

Hi Young:

I’m glad you were feeing better 4 hours ago and hope you’re still feeling better as you are reading this.

I hope you feel much better and start or resume a physical exercise routine as well as continue the working with electronics healthy distraction.

..I just happened to reread part your original post and stopped where you wrote that you and your girlfriend almost broke up a few times and that during those almost- breakups, you blamed yourself a lot.

Yet, you didn’t mention anything at all on her part that made her want to break up with you during those few times.. I assume she was angry at you.. but why?

I’m asking because a significant part of your distress may be about fearing another breakup situation..or maybe even partly wishing for one (as a way to eliminate the stress connected to the relationship)?

🤔 Anita

Good Tuesday morning, Young 🙂

So, you blamed yourself a lot for those circumstances (“During those periods, I blamed myself a lot”)?

Scrupulosity OCD is a subtype (or theme) of OCD, and within this theme there’re 2 kinds:

(1) Religious Scrupulosity: fear of sinning, of offending God, etc., and

(2) Moral Scrupulosity: fear of being a bad person, of being dishonest, unfair, selfish, disloyal, or unethical.

The person constantly examines their intentions, thoughts, motives, feelings and character rather than their actual behavior.

Have you heard of Scrupulosity OCD, Young?

🤔 Anita

Hi Young 🙂, you are welcome to tell me more about it, what it’s like, how it came about, if you know.

Anita

Hey Young:

You set very strict boundaries for yourself because you love your girlfriend very much and cherish the relationship,

and you don’t trust yourself to be a good boyfriend without very strict boundaries?

🤔 Anita