Wow, this story might as well have been written by me with just a few of the facts changed. My dad had a shop that I worked at, not a machinist but a blueprinting shop. My dad was also difficult, more than difficult, he was down right impossible sometimes and would go out of his way to try to embarrass me in front of other people whenever the mood was on him. Couldnt please him, and the other employees hated me because I was the bosses son and they feared I would take their job. Nobody would teach me anything beyond the very, very basics and even after I graduated from college I spent 2 years back in the shop sweeping floors, and taking out the trash while the other employees snickered behind my back. Berating and embarrassing me in front of customers and the other employees was becoming a daily occurrence until finally one day I just walked out and never went back.
Same story, after I left the shop it was a string of jobs and several career changes. I always felt disliked by fellow employees, and I know for a fact that I have never been valued by an employer. Anyway here is what I did; In my early 30’s I came to the conclusion that I was just never going to be happy living the conventional life. I knew I was never going to thrive at that game. Whether it’s my fault or everybody elses doesnt really matter. I took stock of myself, my strengths and weaknesses and asked myself what I really wanted to do with my life regardless of money. What would really make me happy? It took me a couple of years to come up with an answer and a basic plan. There was one thing that I loved, I have always been an outdoor’s guy. I woujld often pack a sack and a fishing pole and head off into the forest for days or even weeks when I had school break or was in-between jobs. Once I spent an entire summer in the bush, I fished my food and would pop out of the woods once a week or so to resupply in town ( I received more than my share of stares, believe me ). But thats when I was truly happy, and honestly those were the only times I was truly happy back then. I remember the shadow that hung over my head when I knew it was my last day out and I’d have to go back to ‘real life’. I decided that was the life that I wanted. I realize this is extremely unorthodox thinking to our modern sensibilities, but I decided that I had one life to live and I was going to do what I wanted with it and not allow fear or other people’s opinions to change me. I had a house in the suburbs that my mom left to me. I sold it and bought a cabin in a state park with some good acreage. And there I live still and am writing to you from there. Over the years I learned to make a little money at farmer’s markets, and I raise some livestock for resale. The first thing that happened was my family basically disowned me, and those I thought were my friends disappeared. When I saw them they would ask what I’m doing and as I began to explain they would exchange looks to each other when they thought I couldnt see. OK, I thought, this isnt really surprising and it was pretty obvious to me that these were toxic people that I was well rid of. When I was miserable working shit jobs like they had, they liked me because my choices in life reaffirmed their own. Now that I was doing something very different, that they could not fathom and I was obviously happy, in shape, and beaming, they didnt like me anymore because I made them uncomfortable with their own choices. I’m sad to say that I no longer have any communication with family or my old “friends”. They had to be cut out in order for me to be free to pursue my happiness. It was a bitter pill and yet another lesson for me about human nature and life in general. Chalk it up to being on the road to wisdom.

Odd as it sounds, they say there is someone for everyone, and even a hermit like me found himself a wife. I had a brief stint in a nearby town doing some temp labor and I met a girl, we got married, we have a son. She works in town and has brought some civilization into my life that I still struggle with at times. I still take off and go hunting or fishing for days at a time, I’d go nuts if I couldnt.. But I run the farm pretty much 24/7. The summer is for raising our meager crops and heading off to the markets, the fall is for the cattle auction, the winter is for wood cutting, and the spring starts it all over again. I work on my own, my way, at my pace. When I need rest I take it. I now love my life and my work. There’s days I cant believe how fortunate I am and how glad I am that I had the courage to do this.

Anyway, I’m not suggesting you need to become a farmer or mountain hermit, that is definitely a very personal path. My point is that you are unhappy because none of the choices you made came from the exploration of your own happiness. Did you search your soul and some to the conclusion that, of all things in the world becoming a CAD draftsman would make you the most happy? No. You needed a job, and you tried to find one that wasn’t ‘as bad’ as whatever you were doing at the time. You have to ask yourself, if money was not a factor, what is it that you would like to do with your life? Or say ‘if I already had all the money I needed to meet the basics of life, what would I do with myself’? No answer is too far fetched. And it might take you a long time to figure that out. My original answer was I’d walk off into the woods and fish/hunt for the rest of life. Hey that sounds far fetched but it’s pretty much what I did and I’m the happiest Ive ever been. I hope you find your answer and have the courage to pursue it. Best of luck.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Kirk. Reason: spelling

Dear mr-ritz:

I am sorry you are suffering from arthritis on top of other distresses. It makes sense to want to pay off debt. I understand that. It is okay too to apply for disability. It may be a long, frustrating process though, something to prepare for if you choose to go this route. I hope you have the numbers: how much disability payments amount to.

I would say, number one consideration, priority, is your well being, physical, mental (everything is physical, really). All other considerations are secondary.

Regarding considering continuing the current job, and for as long as you are working there, these are my thoughts:

Every stressor you experience there, every time the other guy in the office is at least unkind to you, the distress you feel as a result carries in its intensity and depth the distress you felt with your father. I will compare your experience at work to walking a stretch of road every day. You are walking that stretch carrying a heavy weight of your experience with your father. He lives inside your head, unfortunately and naturally, as that voice in you, the “inner critic”, your internalized father and the distress is about part of you still suffering under the dictatorship, the intolerance of your internalized father.

If you didn’t have that burden, you would be walking that stretch of road every day with no excess weight. So every unpleasant thing at work carries some weight you can most often easily handle.

From my experience it is far from easy or quick to weaken that voice, that internalized, abusive parent. It is a process that requires work, persistence, a whole lot of patience. It is often uncomfortable and distressing. There is suffering in healing, only there is hope in this kind of suffering.

If you are motivated and willing to go through such a process, if you can shift (like I do) from distress to curiosity, being involved and interested in this healing process, than your current job affords you this opportunity to heal.

You may be not motivated and understandably so, because it is a long process.

Thoughts?

anita

Dear mr-ritz:

I would say the first step is to become aware of your thoughts. And of your feelings. In my therapy it was called Mindfulness, the skill, developed over time, of paying attention. The exercises I was given were guided meditation directing me to pay attention to sounds around me, really focus on just sounds, or sights, or the feel on touching something. I didn’t click “Mindfulness” on the Home Page of tiny buddha, this very site, but seems like there are articles about mindfulness right here. And there are mindfulness guided meditations you can download from other places online.

So that is the necessary skill to make healing possible for you: paying attention, that is being mindful of what you can sense with your five senses and being mindful of your thoughts, your emotions, body sensations.

Being mindful of all these things make it possible for you, over time, to regulate your emotions (calm down when distressed, to shift from over thinking to sensing (a relief!) and it makes it possible for you to learn how you think and feel. What you think affects what you feel and what you feel affects what you think.

Over time you learn how you operate, your thinking and feeling. Insight into childhood will help but is not useful by itself. The past operates in your brain in the present time. it is this present operation you need to see, understand, and manage.

There is so much to it, took me over five years of daily work. There is a lot to it. Also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was big part of my therapy. It is about correcting out distorted thoughts (once you identify them). There are CBT worksheets available, maybe on this site as well. Lots of resources and books on CBT.

I will gladly elaborate on any of these things. Let me know.

anita

* Dear mareym: I hope the OP will respond to your post (last post before yours is over two weeks ago, longer than average active life span of a thread. If he is not back, or otherwise, if you want to start your own thread (copy and paste the above or parts of it, if you’d like) so to get my reply or others’ – please do (click Forums above, choose Categroy, click chosen categroy, go down the page to empty box).
anita

Marey-
I am SO right there! I wake up every day counting the dollars going into my bank account until I can quit. I have been living a life I THOUGHT I was supposed to lead and spent all my time making sure everyone else was comfortable, happy and fulfilled. No more.

Mr. Ritz
It sounds like you are in a bit of a depression which is likely clouding your thinking and leading you down a path of negativity. Disability is not the answer. Staying at a job where you are not happy is not the answer. Your time does become more valuable the older you get.

There are so many issues going on for you maybe start with baby steps. Try to find some peace within and stop with the negative thinking (guided meditation is really great). Next, start reading and exploring what WILL make you happy….don’t just jump to something because you think it MAY be the right thing. The Passion Test is a great book. The job that will make you happy will be something that comes from your soul. Its in there….you just have to find it. You can do it!