April 3, 2022 at 2:22 pm #396831
“Apologies for the delayed reply and for not letting you know when I’d be available. My life is a quite chaotic at the moment. I will do my best to estimate what is going on when I can. It won’t always be accurate” – it’s okay, really. I suggest that you post/ reply whenever, no need to state how long it would take and then worry about posting by the time you set. I don’t want your involvement here to add stress to your life!
“My heart goes out to you dealing with those triggers on a daily basis…” – thank you, you are very kind!
“I am only now beginning to connect to anger that I had repressed for decades” – maybe… maybe connecting to and expressing some of the decades-long repressed anger will lessen your chronic physical pain?!
“I think the memory of my mother from when I was young is very different from the reality of how she is now” – when I read this sentence, I thought to myself: how does Helcat know how her mother is now, because you shared in your own thread: “Fortunately, I haven’t been in contact with my mother since I was a teenager“.
It is possible, I am thinking, that you are not in direct contact with her personally, but you are in contact with someone else who is in direct contact with your mother, and that person updates you about how your mother is currently doing (?)
Personally, I know nothing about my mother ever since I ended contact with her, other than that she is still alive. But I still find myself, when I share about her, using the present tense once in a while, as if she was still in my life, and you do too, another example: “my mother seems very similar to yours“, seems as in the present tense.
This use of the present tense makes sense in light of what you stated earlier: “A quote I find apt, ‘Mother is God in the eyes of a child‘”, and God is indeed perceived as an entity who is always with us, past, present and future: “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20b, NLT), “I know the Lord is always with me.. he is right beside me” (Psalms 16:8, NLT).
“Thank you for your patience and kindness, it is much appreciated” – you are welcome, and thank you for the same!
anitaApril 3, 2022 at 3:24 pm #396832
Thank you for your understanding!
I hope that connecting and expressing my anger will improve my mental health. If it help with chronic pain that would be a bonus.
In my mind, this is all very present at the moment. If that makes sense? I’m referring to my last memories of her as a teenager vs my memories of her when I was a child. As I said, there were dramatic differences between how she used to be compared to what she became. As a child I saw her as a monster and was terrified of her. In my last memory of her in person, she didn’t inspire fear, instead I pitied her.April 3, 2022 at 5:19 pm #396833
You are welcome.
“Expressing my anger… If it helps with chronic pain that would be a bonus” – (assuming that you researched much more thoroughly the topic of anger and pain than the tiny mini-study that I just did, you are welcome to skip it): practical pain management: “anger has been linked to inflammation, particularly with blood levels of c-reactive protein and interleukin-6. Anger may function as a predisposing factor, but may also be a precipitating, exacerbating, or perpetuating factor in pain”, psychology today: “suppressing anger has been linked to an increase in pain intensity ratings”,
Deuterman law group: “Anger can increase sensitivity and muscle tension, increasing pain… According to a research report by the International Association for the Study of Pain… ‘Anger is associated with pain intensity in many chronic pain conditions, including headache, fibromyalgia, complex regional pain syndrome, and back pain,’ the study authors write… Certainly, letting go of anger won’t make your pain disappear when you’re dealing with fibromyalgia, back injuries, or other painful medical conditions. But anger management strategies, a change in mindset, and techniques like meditation, mindfulness and cognitive behavior therapy may help you manage your pain better and have a positive impact on your quality of life”.
“As I said, there were dramatic differences between how she used to be compared to what she became. As a child I saw her as a monster and was terrified of her. In my last memory of her in person, she didn’t inspire fear, instead I pitied her” – when as a teenager, you witnessed your mother having lost her power, you felt compassion and sorrow for her because she lost something… Your empathy was with her for having experienced a loss?
anitaApril 3, 2022 at 5:55 pm #396834HoneyBlossomParticipant
Hugs Helecat and Anita,
I’m sorry I haven’t posted. Helecat, please don’t worry and postwhatever you like.
I have just had a bit happening. I have needed to rest a bit more than I had expected. Am okay now and had some running around to do with one of my dogs on the weekend.
I haven’t felt much like talking to anyone as my job has been turned upside down. One of the managers has decided they are cutting jobs where I work and has been pressuring me to move into another position with a lot less hours and money. I still don’t know what is happening and am focused on trying to sort this out.
I will be back as soon as I can and hope you are all well. XXXApril 3, 2022 at 6:25 pm #396835
Good to read from you again and hugs back to you. I am glad you rested but sad to read that you are being pressured to move to a different position with less pay. Maybe if you resist the manager’s pressure, and let him/ her know that you can’t afford less pay, maybe he/ she will stop pressuring you?
anitaApril 4, 2022 at 4:18 am #396845HoneyBlossomParticipant
Thank you Anita. I sent her an email today explaining all of that. I am h a vibg to go through internal application processes for other jobs within the organisation. She has extended the time I have at current place by 2 weeks, and I h as he enquired about another position.
I am very sad to be leaving my current workplace, but I am powerless to stop that. I believe management are making some errors of judgement in reducing staff hours.
Another worker has gone of work with COVID symptoms though she is testing negative on RATS so we are short-staffed again. I had to work alone for a few hours again today which I think breaches safety standards. As well, there are 2 workers there I know of planning to leave – one wants to have another child and be stay at home Mum. The other woman who wants to leave has a husband c lose to end of life. She says when he passes which is not far away, she plans to retire and live with adult child.
Anyway, fingers crossed that I can move into another facility soon. I feel I have had to learn so much at this organisation on account of having to work at different facilities, and now having to do it all again. It takes time to get to know clients well, their needs, etc. Well, O suppose nothing stays the same, and we have to be adaptable.
I hope you are well Anita. It’s been a long day – another 12 hour shift. I am so glad to be home with the dogs. XXXXApril 4, 2022 at 7:07 am #396847
You are welcome, fingers crossed that you move to another facility soon after your extended two weeks in the current, that the new facility will be a well-run one with good management, and that your pay will be better than you expect! I am okay, thank you, woke up this morning to rain and a windstorm, it a bit over 7 am here. Enjoy your dogs!
anitaApril 4, 2022 at 8:58 am #396849
Oh no, this stress is the last thing you need after surgery. I hope things go well or as best as they can at least! Good luck 🤞April 4, 2022 at 9:28 am #396851
Thank you for the information! I will have to do more research about the relationship between anger and pain.
One thing that I am aware of is that anger increases pain sensitivity. I read that it contributes to heart and breathing problems too. I have breathing problems and a high heart rate. So hopefully addressing this issue will help with that.
I have been practicing meditation on and off for many years. After learning that a lot of psychology is based on Buddhism I have been learning about it and committing to meditation regularly.
Communicating with you has been helping because it has focused my attention on the core issue. Whereas before it was unfocused and I was hyper vigilant looking for signs of abuse everywhere. I have been able to communicate better in arguments, they are less frequent and shorter now.
I think I’m finally ready to do some of the work that was unfinished in therapy.
I’m not entirely sure what I felt for my mother when she was weak and frail. There were a lot of complicated feelings. Disgust, pity, she was pathetic. She was a very sick woman mentally.
Yet, when she was starving herself to death in the hospital I told her that I would refuse to visit her if she didn’t start eating.
It was hard to cut off from her completely. It took a couple of years. Part of me wanted her to change so I could forgive her and continue the relationship. How was it for you when you cut contact with your mother?April 4, 2022 at 9:48 am #396854
You are welcome! “How was it for you when you cut contact with your mother?” – I felt guilty and once in a while I’d think, what’s the point of cutting contact if… my guilt was still ongoing, distressed when in contact, distressed when not in contact, so what’s the point? But I kept walking on what I referred to as the healing path (I still like this term, it’s just that I didn’t use it for a while) and over time things that confused me became clear, with clarity my distress lessened and lessened.
It makes me think of your wording in your recent post in regard to what you felt for your mother, “a lot of complicated feelings“- with more and more clarity, my thinking and feeling became less and less complicated. For example, I used to think that by not having contact with her, I was causing her a lot of emotional pain, so I felt guilty. I still felt angry at her but guilty as well (conflicted… complicated), but once it became clear to me that throughout all the years that I was right there, in her presence, she felt great emotional pain which she frequently expressed to me… I realized that if I resumed contact with her, it would be like it’s always been- she would be in pain; pain with me; pain without me.
Before this clarity I used to think (without being clear about it) that if I resumed contact with her, she’d be happy, and I felt guilty for not making her happy; after this clarity I stopped feeling guilty, realizing that I never made her happy and never will.
anitaApril 4, 2022 at 11:11 am #396861
Thank you for sharing that experience with me!
I think it is similar to how I’m feeling about another situation.
Essentially, I was taken in by a family when I left my biological family. They have been like a family to me. However, the family isn’t healthy and there is always a lot of arguing between various family members.
I do my best to keep a distance from it, but I’m not always successful. I feel like it would be easier for me if I didn’t have contact with them. But, I care and so I stay even though it causes pain. It is hard to say when something is too much.
Objectively, they will continue their behaviour whether I am involved or not. I don’t believe they will change any time soon.
April 4, 2022 at 12:13 pm #396869
- This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
You are welcome. If there is “always a lot of arguing between various family members” and you “keep a distance from it” but you are “not always successful“, and once in a while you get hurt by their arguments (“it causes pain“), then the distance you keep is not distant enough.
“It is hard to say when something is too much” – you shared before in two threads: “Nowadays, these thoughts of suicidal ideation are habitual… these thoughts… tend to be triggered when I am feeling distressed. For example, after an argument with loved ones… Arguments definitely trigger these feelings… certain things such as arguments cause painful feelings” – Clearly, arguments are bad for your mental/ physical health.
You wrote earlier: “This is 2022, I am safe at home with my pets and husband. I have many good people in my life and have had many good experiences that I deserve” – I didn’t know at the time, when I first read these two sentences, that currently, in 2022, you are still exposed to abuse, a different kind of abuse from the abuses you were exposed to living with your mother, but abuse nonetheless, in the form of these arguments that you are currently exposed to.
You wrote earlier: “My family taught me to accept abuse without protest. This normalised a lot of abusive behaviours, to the point where I had difficulty identifying poor behaviour as well as protecting myself from it” –
– my family, in this quote may apply to your biological family and to the family that took you in…? Is arguing normalised, in your mind, as a non-abusive behavior? Are you still having difficulty identifying some abusive behaviors (ex., arguing) and protecting yourself from it?
April 4, 2022 at 5:05 pm #396953
- This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by Anonymous.
This might be a silly question. But can I ask you what made you decide to cut contact?
Yes, both families taught me to accept abuse without protest.
I wasn’t beaten, or starved or sexually abused by my second family. But they do believe that verbal abuse is acceptable. For a long time I was in denial and defended their behaviour because they took me in.
As you said about your mother before. They believe that they are the only ones that are allowed to have hurt feelings or deserve empathy.
It was a combination of meeting my husband and health issues that changed my views on the impact of verbal abuse. Pain sensitivity increases with stress, so I became very intolerant of stressful situations.
I would say that I have still have difficulties protecting myself from verbal abuse. I do understand that their behaviours are abusive though and I agree that arguments are bad for my mental and physical health.
I’m working on being less defensive myself. I believe this is a result of the abuse. I tend to expect arguments when I bring up hurt feelings. Ironically, being defensive and expecting an argument can sometimes trigger arguments.April 4, 2022 at 5:33 pm #396956
“What made you decide to cut contact?” – because I deserved someone to care for me, someone to do what’s right for me. Remember she told me to look down at the floor when she humiliated me in so many ways? It was time for me to look up and walk away from her for good. It’s a matter of self-respect; finally, respect for me!
I don’t really understand what kind of verbal abuse you are currently experiencing and by whom, nor do I understand who is arguing with whom and about what… or what you mean by “being les defensive” and being less defensive with whom?
anitaApril 5, 2022 at 4:50 am #396960
It would take a lot to explain. Let’s just say, I wasn’t accepted by the whole family when I was taken in. Older family members that weren’t raised with me don’t see me as part of the family.
Their views have never been challenged. I cut contact with them but I am still in contact with other family members. The family members that didn’t accept me, argue a lot with other family members about them still being in contact with me.
Also, the family members that I am in contact with have mental health issues and their own histories of abuse. They picked up some bad habits from those experiences.
Over time, after asking them to stop, they have been getting better about not yelling or swearing.
But I am ignored for a week or two weeks wjen I bring up something they did that made me feel hurt. I have also been disowned by these family members before for the same reason.
They have habits of saying one thing, then later denying they said it. And claiming not to remember what was said in situations they are upset at me for, this makes it easy for them to deny their behaviour when they don’t remember.
Sometimes people communicate poorly when they are stressed and upset others. Usually, people are supposed to apologise. But they believe because they are stressed I’m not allowed to say anything about the way I was treat until they decide they are ready to deal with it when they feel better. I am expected to defer my emotions when they have hurt me.
They often blame me for being hurt and turn around and say that I am the one at fault.
I get defensive with everyone when I feel an argument is about to develop. I feel that I can defend my boundaries a bit too much, because I am afraid of allowing myself to be abused. By this, I mean that I don’t tend to let many things slide. So if someone upsets me, they hear about it. Sometimes, when I get emotional, I share my fears and worries. That can make them feel hurt and defensive too.
I hope this explains the situation a bit better.