March 29, 2022 at 3:18 pm #396423HoneyBlossomParticipant
Hugs and THANK you Anita. I posted about the surgery a few posts back. Just got home last night. My sleep pattern appears to be very messed now. I have bad headache today and just taken something for it.
Thank you for understanding why I can’t write specifically about abuse often and for your kind words and reassurance.
I can certainly understand why you are no longer in contact with your mother.
I think I will spends today just chilling at home and recovering. My stomach looks pr e grant, but I’m told that is normal after this procedure and the clean out treatment.
I hope y o u all have a great day.March 29, 2022 at 4:33 pm #396473
I indeed missed your post of about 13 hours ago. I am reading it right now for the first time: you wrote that all went well, that the tumor was larger than what showed up on the scan, you had 3 tubes going into you plus oxygen, lots of narcotics, so you were uncomfortable but not in pain, and you have a scheduled visit with the surgeon in about 2 weeks. Rosemarie collected you from the hospital and brought you back, and at home, you are still on narcotics.
It is Wednesday morning your time, I hope that you are resting well, that your sleep pattern resumes, that your headache goes away, that stomach heals, and that you can have your dogs with you soon, when you are strong enough. No hard physical work until you are strong enough and hugs back to you. And thank you for being supportive of me!
March 29, 2022 at 8:55 pm #396501HoneyBlossomParticipant
- This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by anita.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Hugs Anita,</p>
Thank you. Dogs are home now. Still haven’t slept. I look to have a pregnant stomach, and hope it goes down soon. I am okay though but had the realisation today that there are about 5 tablets I’m supposed to take every day but I’m so slaphappt about. I haven’t done much but snuggling in bed with the dogs. XMarch 30, 2022 at 7:02 am #396505
You are welcome. I hope you slept by the time you read this, dogs snuggling against you. You wrote that you have to take 5 tablets every day, but you are so “slaphappt” about it, must be a typo?
anitaMarch 30, 2022 at 5:13 pm #396582March 30, 2022 at 7:09 pm #396606
Thank you for the note, Helcat, I wish you well at your interview tomorrow!!!
anitaApril 1, 2022 at 4:14 am #396658
How are you feeling after your surgery? I hope you’re still resting a lot!
You and a strong and insightful woman too!
I find it difficult to go into details about what happened because that triggers more memories. I don’t really say much about what happened other than in general terms in passing.
Your strategy to talk about your emotions and creating psychological distance sounds like a good coping strategy.
Please let me know if there’s anything I can alter in communication to make you feel more comfortable.
It’s horrible that your parents told you that you were unwanted. You didn’t deserve that and no one should make their children feel like they’re not good or deserving.
I’m glad that you have some peace now and that you have control over who comes in and out of your life!April 1, 2022 at 6:53 am #396661
Thank you for your patience Anita!
It’s strange in a good way, someone sharing their similar experiences from another side of the world. I enjoy sharing things with you as I feel there is a deep level of understanding. When I was younger I believed that no one understood what I was going through. As an adult, I see that many people experience many painful experiences. By the time that we are adults, very few of us have no experience with trauma. I am always surprised when I meet a rare person with no traumatic experiences.
Apologies for misunderstanding. It’s hard for me to comprehend because I’m not at that stage.
This love for her does not mean that she deserves it from me, or that she is not who she is. This love means that I was a loving girl in the very beginning of my life.
It’s wonderful to see you speak about yourself so compassionately. You are indeed a loving compassionate woman.
My mother also spoke badly about men. Sometimes, I think that can set up a frame for expecting and accepting poor behaviour while we’re in relationships? What do you think?
April 1, 2022 at 8:47 am #396670
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Helcat.
You are welcome and thank you for posting again in 2 days, just like you said you will 2 days ago. When a person keeps his/ her word like this, I appreciate it. I appreciate you for it!
“It’s wonderful to see you speak about yourself so compassionately. You are indeed a loving compassionate woman” – thank you! Feeling compassion or empathy for myself is a new experience, still feels new to me.
“My mother also spoke badly about men. Sometimes, I think that can set up a frame for expecting and accepting poor behaviour while we’re in relationships? What do you think?” –
– what comes to my mind first (and I hope that you don’t mind if I answer in a stream of consciousness kind of way) in regard to what I learned to expect from men is that I expected from everyone, men and women the same behavior as my mother’s. I still do, I’ll give you a small example that happened today: in another member’s thread, the member mentioned my name, as I read my name, I felt fear as I expected a verbal assault to follow my name, and then, a relief when an assault did not happen. This happens every day in real life, let’s say I am washing dishes and a dish falls from my hands, not breaking, but it creates a loud sound, what follows in my mind is that an assault is about to happen next, verbal or otherwise.
Next thing that comes to my mind is that because I was so scared of my mother, spending time away from her with whomever, felt like an improvement, it felt safer. I needed a break/ a relief from the ongoing tension that I felt in the presence of my mother and… anyone, anywhere, anything would do as a break from her.
Next thing that comes to my mind is that a combination of my very poor self-esteem, absence of self-empathy, and the extent of my severe and ongoing dissociation and inattentiveness led me in the past to passively accept disrespect and mistreatment, not being adequately aware of what was happening.
And last thing that comes to mind, and this may answer your question best: because my mother talked badly about everyone, men, women and children, saying that they all hurt her in one way or another, and because the only person- in her mind- who deserved empathy was herself, I felt angry at everyone, no empathy for anyone but for her, and I proceeded to be a very distrustful adult, angry at everyone, sooner or later. It’s not so much that I was expecting others to behave badly, it’s that I believed that everyone was inherently bad.
anitaApril 2, 2022 at 8:27 am #396698
This is a story that is familiar to me. The guy is psychopathic and a pathological liar to be able to pull it off. I was in a 6-month relationship with a guy who I fell madly in love with and then another 6-month on-and-off relationship. He is very charming, charismatic, confident, smart and fun. The latter part of the relationship he would go away for a few weeks and came back declaring he wanted to get back with me to try because the beginning of us was the most amazing relationship anyone could ever have. The frequency of his hot and cold behavior shortened to weekly the last two months. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. He said he decided he couldn’t be in a relationship because he is too busy with work, the lingering divorce problems and his kids issues etc. I was heart broken.
A week later, a friend suddenly showed me a photo of him with another woman and said he is the boyfriend of this girl Gina for 1.5 years, they have never broken up and he has taken her to chicago to meet his family /kids. She is very happy and thought they will get married. I was in shock and called him. This is the first time he admitted he has been “trying” to have a good relationship with her and there was no overlaps between us. Then it was he broke up with her last week. yet the same day Gina posted a couple’s pic to social media for the first time.
The next day, I found Gina’s details from my firm’s intranet. – He had shared all the details of his “ex-girlfriends” with me after we started dating. Including the first name and role of the latest “ex”. I told him I will speak to her as she deserves to know who he truly is. He freaked out and started saying why hurt an innocent person. Suddenly he called me to tell me he just broke up with her so I have no reason to reach out. I told him no, she still deserves to know who she has been in love with and the breakup is his desperate attempt to stop me. On the call, she said it was the most stable relationship and he was the best boyfriend possible. I told her I met him on a dating site 4 months after they met or after she thought they were in a relationship. Took us two months to meet in person and then it was “love at first sight”. Intense relationship where he stayed with 2-3 times a week for 4-5 months. I asked her how that is possible/anyone would have two girlfriends. He did broke up with me when I was joining the same firm as her. Twice. Now that explains why.
Once I ran into them in a cheap restaurant, i said hi to him and she didnt see me. he didnt acknowledge just looked at me. My friend said you should disclose him. I loved him so I chose to think it was not a date. He later told me that was a platonic friend who was going through a divorce. They dated a couple of times before and she wanted him but he didnt feel same way. Therefore he didnt want to hurt her feelings. He then quickly ran off with her. – She said she thought it was strange on that day.
He brought her to meet his family and kids in Chicago week before Labor Day. Yet I remember now and shared with her that while they were in Chicago, he texted me he missed me and he came to take me to dinner the day they returned. On the way to the restaurant he told me at this stage of our relationship, he just wants to see me and would want to spend 4-5 nights with me. We had an amazing time and he slept over. He then broke up with a few days later. Then tried to get back.
In January he took me out to a fancy bar for celebration of a holiday. Then claimed he was in chicago that weekend for family business. Yet my friends showed me he was at Gina’s house party kissing making out with her. Yet two days later he’d say he felt bad about hurting me /being stupid about us, we would have an amazing one-year anniversary at his place.
Gina asked if he broke up with her that morning, was it because he wants to be back with me. I felt sorry and bad about this poor innocent woman’s heart. For 1.5 years, she was love bombed and manupulated by this guy just like how he used me. I said to be fair, he did say he wanted a relationship with you. But what would a normal decent guy do in this situation? They would confess before I get the chance to speak and beg for your forgiveness. Not dumping you to avoid the fall out and perhaps to soften the blow for him. Then may trying to get back when the storm passed. She said she has told her daughter about the breakup and felt numb. How can anyone lead such a double life.
It is such a sad story with psychopathic narcissist and a pathological liar. Looking back there had been numerous lies he told. he told me he “broke up” with Gina because she just works too hard, sleeps, eats and nothing else. Not active and too boring. yet he decided that was the long term wifey material and would keep hot girlfriends on the side. Gina is very senior at the firm and makes quite a fortune. Successful, well established and wife material. It’s a New York society cliche where two strangers from out of time with limited means cant have a great life (think the Gilded Age Ep 8 Miss Marian and her fiancé). There is no love /respect /honor for Gina or me. If he can lie and cheat on two women, why stop there?
This type of guys are not a prize. I didnt say to Gina this, but in my heart/mind, I said he is all YOURS. I blocked him on everything and would love to forget every moment of the past year.April 2, 2022 at 1:56 pm #396710
If you meant to address your post to the original poster and maybe get her response, I hope it happens, but it is not likely because the OP deleted her account (and therefore appears as “anonymous”). If you just wanted to vent, that is fine and you are welcome to do so again, here or on your own thread, one that you may choose to start. If you want comments or thoughts in regard to your post above, please let me know.
anitaApril 3, 2022 at 5:06 am #396816
Apologies for the delayed reply and for not letting you know when I’d be available. My life is a quite chaotic at the moment. I will do my best to estimate what is going on when I can. It won’t always be accurate. I will always do my best to return when I’m able.
My heart goes out to you dealing with those triggers on a daily basis. I understand what it is like to need a break from an abusive person. Thank you for clarifying the various factors that adversely affected your ability to maintain your boundaries.
For me, whilst I instinctively emotionally felt harmful behaviours were wrong. I was falsely conditioned to believe that certain behaviours were normal and accept them. For a large part of my life I accepted verbal abuse, simply because it wasn’t physical or sexual abuse.
I am only now beginning to connect to anger that I had repressed for decades. It was not safe for me to feel anger as a child, any attempt to defend myself worsened the abuse so I often “converted” those emotions to sadness. Even in therapy, I was unable to talk to a chair while imagining my mother was in it.
I think the memory of my mother from when I was young is very different from the reality of how she is now. I managed to confront her once in my late teens, but she was a shadow of her former self. I only confronted her because she stole from another family member.
Thank you for your patience and kindness, it is much appreciated.April 3, 2022 at 6:24 am #396817
Wow, that sounds like a shocking and traumatic experience. I’m so sorry he treat you both like that. Congratulations on standing up to him and telling his other partner. I know if I was in a similar situation I’d want to hear about it! I hope in time that things will get easier for you as you heal from the experience.April 3, 2022 at 12:54 pm #396827
@anita. I am new to tiny buddha therefore unfamiliar with the practice of checking if a tread owner is still active. Does that matter to the slightest. My own “venting” spread would be most appropriate? Seems petty to me. – Regardless, I wanted to let people know terrible people exist in this world.April 3, 2022 at 12:57 pm #396828