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He cheated on me and left me for her but claimed to have loved me

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This topic contains 22 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 days, 4 hours ago.

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  • #216311

    Claudia
    Participant

    i,

    I’ve been feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life and wanted to reach out to see if you could help me at all.. I don’t have many to turn to. I was in a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would marry. We hardly fought and I helped him through a hard time in his life( he was getting over a divorce). Going through a divorce is hard and He told me that there had been cheating by his ex and that how badly she treated him. He seemed very kind and genuine so I helped with whatever I could financially and as a supportive girlfriend. And although I knew he didn’t have much he helped me see the world differently through different religions mainly Hindu and yoga. I loved learning all the new things and everything seemed to workout perfect. In my eyes we were very happy throughout our relationship but one day he got a call from his ex wife saying she couldn’t take it anymore and she was giving him full custody of their son. He was so happy about this news but had to move with his mom since he had no family to help him other than myself and we worked the same shift at our jobs. His mom lives 3 hours away. We decided that we would attempt a long distance relationship. But in the months of him going back in forth getting ready for the move his seemed different distant and I confronted him about it and he said it was just stress about having his whole life turned up side down. I tried to help with the move even though I was heartbroken that he was leaving but in the 2 months he took moving he was distant while he was at his moms. He finally moved and would hardly talk to me and I was distraught. I was having such a hard time with him leaving and he seemed to be to busy and having the greatest time in Fresno. I confronted him again. And this time he said it would be best if we broke up but remained friends because he was sad how much I was hurting … I was blindsided since This was the person that was my best friend and we seemed so perfect for each other. I begged him to reconsider but he didn’t budge. Throughout the month he continued to talk to me as if nothing happened and asking me how it was going but I was so hurt I kept things short. One night he called me and we had a friendly conversation but then he calles me a few minutes it sounded as if he was crying and he was saying how much he missed me and wished he could see me .. I cried as well thinking this is the man I knew for 3 years… we made plans to see each other the coming Saturday ( phone call was on Thursday) . But Friday came and he said he was very sorry but he had to cancel because of work. I was sad but understood. That Saturday morning I got a alert from my Paypal saying I had booked an AirBNB. I downloaded the app since we had a joint account to make sure there was no fraud. He had booked an AirBNB for the same day he cancelled on me for him and his gf.. I immediately text him and asked him if he had a gf and he took a while to reply but said “I’m sorry”. I did not know how to react. I asked so many questions with hardly any answers and told him I hated him. The next days he kept trying to contact me saying it wasn’t what I thought but I did not reply. I shipped everything he had given to me to his house and did not answer his texts. I finally caved hoping it really wasn’t true but he told me he met a girl that was way out of his league and they liked the same stuff but he swore he didn’t talk to her anymore. I loved him so much I kept replying to his messages hoping there would be a way to make up. But he was so off and on and it led to anxiety and panic attacks from me where I would text “I can’t believe you would ruin what we had” and such texts during these panic attacks. He still seemed very sorry until a month ago when I found out he blocked my family from his social media and me from text messages. I did not understand what happened. I’ve spend this month trying to better myself and constantly going to the gym and yoga and constantly praying to every God, deity and saint I know that he remembers what we were and wants me back. Last night was trying to help out a coworker who also knew him with his troubles and my ex was brought up by him (he didn’t know about our relationship) and without me asking he told me that he had talked to him not long ago and my ex said he couldn’t be happier. He had found a woman ( the lady who he cheated on me with) they were together and very happy and even showed me a picture of them at a place where I took him on one of our first dates. I have been inconsolable since ? he still has all of my stuff that I let him borrow including my laptop that I will be needing next month for school but now I’m not sure what to do…. I know this is very long but I really hope you read it and are able to help me… I don’t know anywhere else to go

    #216323

    Mark
    Participant

    I am sorry for your pain Claudia.

    My rule-of-thumb is to never be involved with someone who is in relationship, separated or just out of a long term relationship. They need to process, heal and learn to be on their own in order to be emotionally available for a relationship… period. I don't care what they say how they were totally “done” with their relationship. I don't trust their perception of themselves.

    Good for you for bettering yourself. You cannot lose for doing that for yourself. Keep focusing on yourself for that is what you need to do regardless of who you have in your life.

    He's moved on. Time for you to move on.
    Mark

    #216361

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Claudia,

    Were you with him during his divorce process or right when the ink was drying? Either way, it's bad. You were the rebound, no matter how nice he was.

    Also, he has a son, and I would never date anyone with a kid. Their focus needs to be on their child, not me. So I read it as a blessing (for the son) that his dad decided not to be in a long-distance relationship.

    But then he deceives you with jumping right back into a new relationship with someone local. (And using your AirBNB!!!) For you to find out in the way you did, I think it was the deities themselves telling you, “This is what's happening. He is not worthy of you, My daughter.”

    Peace,

    Inky

    #216365

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    I wonder how it is that the co worker didn't know that he and you were in a relationship (and a three year relationship). Was the relationship a secret?

    He told you that when he moved to Fresno “his whole life turned up side down”. He didn't just change a location, he moved back with his mother. Maybe he had a good relationship with his mother, but if he didn't, moving back in with her could have been very distressing for him. If so, I wonder if he rushed into a new relationship, one with a local woman, so to distract himself from the … trouble at home, same trouble he had as a child living with his mother.

    I also wonder about the fights you had before his move, what were those about.

    If you don't want to explore what happened further, as I suggested, it is fine with me, of course. My comment in that case is that it seems like the relationship suited him in the context of the place you lived, his relationship status as was (divorcing), and no longer suited him in his new circumstances, the new context of his life. I do hope you feel better very soon.

    anita

    #216451

    Claudia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I appreciate the reply and for helping me,

     

    The relationship was secret in the workplace since that is where we met. Everyone knew we were best friends and spoke very highly of each other but that was it. It was not secret outside of the workplace though.. I knew his son and we went out together to the beach and museums together with my ex not hiding that I was his girlfriend from him. I met his family when they would come down to visit him and he had Thanksgiving with my family. When he was out of his apartment and waiting on this transfer ( which took about a Month) he lived a couple houses down from me in my cousins place since they had an extra room where he could stay.

    He told me his relationship with his mom is not the best and that she had favored his other two siblings but the relationship with her has since gotten better. He was favored by his dad which I should have mentioned passed away around the same time as his divorce so I know that he was going through a lot. He told me that he didn't have time to properly grieve since he is the oldest and everyone was grieving while he had to take care of it.

    I feel horrible and I don't know if the past 3 years didn't mean as much to him as they did to me. Or if this is a psychological issue but I truly do love him and wish I could help but I don't know if that's just me being stupid… I can't help but stop thinking that he is doing the same things I showed him with this other girl and calling her the same names that he called me while I'm over here feeling like I'm drowning 🙁 He was sending me messages not even a month ago with things like “I'm the one that has to live with this and no one will ever live up to your love and I will always love you” and ” I'm trying to stay out of my head because knowing that I am able to hurt someone I love is hard to realize”…. Going from that to being blocked and seeing pictures like that absolutely broke my heart. If this person truly does make him happier then I love him enough to let him go because his happiness truly matters to me but I don't want to live with this hurt and not being able to heal from this since I never got closure. I don't know another way to go about it since I was blocked without even  knowing why. And I'm scared of not being able to have another relationship where I could open up like that since this one ended so bad..

     

    #216497

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    You are welcome. In the beginning of your relationship with him, he told you “that there had been cheating by his ex and that how badly she treated him”. In the past, if I heard a person sharing this I assumed that he did not cheat on her, that he treated her well and that he was a victim in that relationship. And therefore, he will not cheat on me and will treat me well, because I am unlike his ex.

    Such an assumption has no basis in reality, because a person who has been cheated on is not necessarily one who did not or will not cheat on a girlfriend or wife.

    He may have been a victim in his marriage, she cheating, he did not. But in the relationship with you he betrayed your trust in him, he had a relationship with another woman going on without telling you about it, and then when you  found out he either denied it or minimized its significance. This is the wrong he has done to you.

    In the title of your thread you wrote that he “claimed to have loved me”- I suppose he did. But what you can definitely be certain about is that he was dishonest with you for a long time. I wish it wasn't so. I wish he had let you know what was going on when it was going on, that would have been respectful to you.

    Understanding what happened is important so that when you try to move on, you know better what it is that you are leaving behind, learn all you can from the experience, and in so doing, increase by much your chances for a future healthy, loving relationship with another man.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  anita.
    #216645

    Claudia
    Participant

    How do I stop loving him? I know everything he did is wrong and he broke my trust and relationships can only be built on honesty, trust and loyalty which I have none of those from him now. But I’m still very much in love and care for him… how do I make it stop? ? I miss him soo much

    #216661

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    If loyalty in an intimate relationship is a top value for you. If you don't accept 50% loyalty, or 75% or even 95%, if in action there must be 100% loyalty, then there is no compromise and that is okay. It is for you to determine. And if so, then the love and care for him, that should be a sacrifice on your part, in keeping this 100% value.

    You are conflicted. You don't have to decide today, what to do. Take a bit of time to figure this out. Do what you can do to be calm. We do our best thinking when calm. I will be back to the computer in about 16 hours. Hope to read from you when I am back and then reply to you again. I do hope you feel better soon.

    anita

    #216667

    Mark
    Participant

    Claudia,

    https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carol-morgan/16-characteristics-of-real-love_b_6237802.html

    This is an article what true love is all about.  You ask how do you stop loving him?  You can still “love” him but in a mature love.

    You can start by loving, honoring and respecting yourself.

    You can look at his actions and note that you would not do that to him or anyone else that you love.

    Best,

    Mark

     

    #216705

    Claudia
    Participant

    Thank you Mark.. that article helped me realize that I may have been the only one in love ? It’s a hard pill to swallow ..

    Anita, I appreciate your help in this and everyone that has replied to this post.. I really appreciate you all since I don’t have many people to turn to for this. In reading that article I think I will continue to love him and I will forever miss my best friend…  But I if I am giving 100% loyalty and someone else (no matter how much he means to me) isn’t I don’t think it’s something I can do… if you guys have any tips to how to make this easier I would very much appreciate it. ..

    #216711

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    You are welcome.

    Did you make a decision to end the relationship or are you still considering it?

    You asked: “How do I stop loving him… I'm still very much in love and care for him… how do I make it stop? ? I miss him soo much… how to make this easier”

    There is a saying “the heart wants what the heart wants”. Your heart wants him regardless of what he did and what you decided to do, if you did (to end the relationship). Your heart doesn't care about logic, values, it doesn't care about anything except this one thing: to be with him.

    Don't fight this feeling, don't expect it to end. Accept it and expect it to last for a while, longer than you would like. When you feel this attachment to him, this desire, endure it. Don't act on it, don't react to it by reaching out to him. Talk to yourself, remind yourself why you are doing this (separating from him and staying separated).

    It will be helpful to incorporate into your day a routine you didn't have before, put in maybe an hour walk outside every day, gym, yoga, some other healthy activity. Guided meditations can help you. As you try this or that, make a list of what works for you. Then at any one time pick one thing from the list and do it.

    A support group of some kind may help, maybe psychotherapy if it comes to it, for a short time. And do post here anytime you need to.

    anita

     

     

    #216745

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    I apologize: in my last two replies to you I confused you with another member. In my last two posts to you I was thinking about another member's story, not yours. I think that this is the first time it happens, that I answer one member with another's member's story in mind.

    Still, much of what I wrote to you (having another member in mind) applies to you too.

    If you post again, I will be attentive and see to  it that I have your story in mind as I reply again.

    anita

    #216753

    Claudia
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have not given up on him.. although I am trying to.. he has blocked me and is in another relationship. I still love him and truly want him to be happy and if there was anyway I could help him with his problems I would because I realize he has been through a lot and hurt people hurt people. But at this point I’m lost as to how to help him and will just continue to pray for him and his happiness. It’s hard because he has broken me in the process ?but deep down he is a good person and we were super happy and close for 3 years .. I just don’t know what changed or if it was all a lie ?

    #216757

    Michelle
    Participant

    Claudia – I think you have gotten some good advice in this thread. I just wanted to say, if I knew you in real life, I'd give you a hug and shoulder to cry on. I know how hard this is. Things will get better.

    #216775

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Claudia:

    I need to be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. I will read your recent post/s when I am back and reply then. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

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