I hope I have not made you feel frustrated with all this.. I apologise for that if so..

Thing is my parents come from a different time  and how they see things is how they have been taught by their older generations. I can try to change their heart but may not exceed. Sad part is this caste system is so much deep rooted in us that even my boyfriend believes that he is from that low caste…. I constantly try to tell him you are not but what else can I do. My mother has so much fear of relatives as well that they’ll laugh at us or they’ll die of shame in the society.Our generation is more or less doesn’t care about what others talk about us but the generation of our parents do. They are not aware about the psychological impact of doing this  or maybe they do not even belive something like this exists.

I wanted to be with this man  to prove to society as well that no one is made less or more by God which i truly believe.Him giving up on us for this bizarre reason is also one of the reason how caste system will go on for generations to come.We should let these walls break down.

Although he has said we have time I am not going anywhere I am not getting married before you as well  & that he’ll talk to his parents after October.He then says that when it comes to asking God I’ll pray it’s you and me in the end.

My parents are also trying to move out of this village and we’ll be living in some other place hopefully.

I am so grateful to have someone who is taking so much time and putting effort to write so much for me.Thank you Anita ma’am.I don’t know you but it feels like i have a corner where i can come and share without feeling guilty.Thanks a lot🌻

Hardest thing about all this is knowing you are not wrong Caste system is wrong, having the strength to fight with everyone for that person and trying to show your parents the right thing as well……. Still seeing that sometimes life is just trying to teach you patience, acceptance and letting go and many more things.

It feels he is doing it less for him and his family more for my parents and their respect. I have left it to God now maybe.I hope he gets the best and if it’s not him and I in the end  in God’s plan May both of us move on and live our life.It hurts to see him trying to suppress his emotions and pushing himself so much.He tries to be happy but I can see what war is going within him.I hope time heals him and me too. Or if I could I’ll ask God to give him courage to stand by me.

Thank you.

I know you must be busy with your life too ma’am.I will not mind even if you’ll take days to reply.Do so only when you feel like it.

Sending love and gratitude 💕

Dear Sushmita:

I am glad that you posted again. I will reply in an hour or two.

anita

1. If at a restaurant she’ll hesitate a little but then Eat….She has sometimes let people from other communities come to our house and eat although in different plates.Sometimes even have said that everyone is equal.This much of things she is saying only when it has come to me.I am single child and she is very possesive about me or I’ll say her world revolves around me.For parents it’s like it’s just a teenage thing she’ll forget him if she stops talking to him.In Hindi as they say “baaton mein aajana”.By any means separate her from him. She’ll find someone else fall in love again. But this thing will leave a scar on the heart no matter what.

No I don’t think she’ll say that……I am just trying and trying to help them to move out from this village but nothing is working out …..my parents both of them never have same opinion on anything…My mother also doesn’t want to live in this village..Also if they stay in this village then whole village and the extended family will not let them live in peace……My father is always trying to tell my mother choose your other family and let’s live with them here only…..and that I will not care for them in their old age…..I was never this person. Today in the morning I heard him saying this to my mother again…. They are not letting me leave this place…. It’s very hard to focus on career as well in this chaos….. I feel like running away from everything…..let them do whatever they are doing and leave everything behind… Or maybe then being one of the child that comes home once in 2 years… All my empathy and everything I have suppressed so much.. idk what person i have become…. With that guy i am completely opposite of what I am here… I can speak and my point of views are appreciated. I can be who I want to be. Today my mother also said if the caste was not that I would have allowed you… I am so much pissed rn i want to put my head in some grinder 😒…. Career relationships love everything… Everything in life is shaken. I don’t want to be one of the woman who is filled with so much anger all the time and leave everything as it is .. someone who never gets married …. And that’s all what i am seeing… My parents will see someone from their caste… I am very sure I am not going to like it and then you know the rest of the story’. I don’t know what do I do.

I know I act like very stubborn child sometimes… I have left talking to my parents many a times but nothing works i again go back to them….I again try to understand them… But this weight on my chest it just suffocates me. Nothing in this village is good for our family.. nothing.. there are no facilities… All the extended family are always trying to use my father for money because of that there is always chaos between both of my parents….. I know no easy Espace to this other than sleep …have been sleeping for days now.

Dear Sushmita:

“And the question that how I’ll react if she says, I’ll immediately stop her from saying that. I’ll talk to her before also not to say anything like that“-

– you have the power to tell your mother to say or not say whatever she wants to say?  “My mother said other day that she is going to gather all relatives and get me beaten and that’ll fix my mind“, you wrote not long ago. Saying this doesn’t indicate to me that she will be submissive to you.

“My family is very much dysfunctional. Where I am constantly blamed by my father for being the reason of misery and no property given to him by my grandfather… My parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words… My parents both of them never have same opinion on anything…I am just trying and trying to help them to move out from this village..  My mother also doesn’t want to live in this village“-

– if your mother leaves the village, will she not take her thoughts and feelings and behaviors with her wherever she goes? Is the same not true in regard to your father? And together, will they not take their dysfunction, constant blaming, misery, issues, fighting, blaming each other and using abusive words against each other.. with them, wherever they go?

In a way, the village lives inside your parents and so, they take the village with them wherever they go.

“They are not letting me leave this place… I feel like running away from everything… I don’t want to be one of the women who is filled with so much anger all the time and leave everything as it is, someone who never gets married …  Is this life all about, compromises sacrifices?? And then living with rage?… This weight on my chest, it just suffocates me… I know no easy Escape to this other than sleep, have been sleeping for days now”-

– being imprisoned in a Family, in a Jati (a caste or subcaste)-  you feel compromised, sacrificed, suffocated, angry and rageful. You want to run away but your only Escape is to sleep. In traditional Indian society a person is born into a Family and into a Jati and is IMPRISONED in each: no escape, no freedom.

In your first post regarding your boyfriend at the time, you wrote: “He wanted to part ways without me telling at home. But I was so Afraid of losing him and I so firmly believe in fighting for Love“-

– are you not Afraid of losing yourself if you continue to exist in this prison you found yourself in? Maybe you should fight for your individual freedom.

anita

– thank you, Sushmita. Update when you’re ready, take your time and a hug back to you!

anita

Dear Sushmita:

“My parents are talking about taking me to their home. That place suffocates me. I don’t even have my personal space everything around that place haunts me” (July 18, 2022), “Every second I am suffocating” (August 8, 2022).

No wonder you are still suffocating, living in the troubled and troubling home of your parents. Reading your update caused me to be interested in re-reading the beginning of this thread,  going back to January 12, 2017:

Niki (original poster), age 25,  living in India at the time, wrote this about her former boyfriend:  “We both belong to the same Caste, and same Sub-caste” and yet, his parents disapproved of the marriage, saying that they disapproved because they wanted her to quit her job and once married, stay home and not work: “they do not want an Independent woman, a woman earning even a single penny is a strict no no..  They wanted me to just sit at home and have fun“. She wrote about her former boyfriend: “He told them he can’t go against his parents and do not want to struggle for our relationship“. Niki then shared: “I always had self-esteem issues, I was always in fear his mom would not like me, because I have a dark skin…  every man here wants a woman who is fairer and prettier..  He liked and loved me and that was very important for me. He is gone now and with him, my only chance at love or being accepted …I just feel so much hopeless… I am just so much depressed!“.

But her parents, unlike yours, were reasonable and very supportive: “My parents sat with me a day before and were helping me out as to what I would like to do in my life now…  There are some plans my parents discussed with me for my future: 1. Moving abroad – I always wanted to study and work and settle abroad (USA/Canada)… 2. Moving to another city for Job here in India..“.

One month and 11 days after her first, original post, on March 8, 2017, she shared that her former boyfriend’s father called her uncle and “asked to reconsider as their son is in bad health and not able to move on.. asked for reconciliation, but terms are still the same- that I would quit my job after marriage and not work“.

Niki’s attitude: “the man is back in my life to wreak more havoc… I have to take a decision now… I have taken baby steps and started loving and respecting myself a little now. I still do not know what will my future hold, but I also have lost faith in him… I want whatever is good for me, whether it is marrying him or leaving him. I do not want to suffer for life in any case“.

Her behavior: “I poured my heart out to him in texts, stating everything I had been through, all the pain and hurt and everything. I also told him I am not able to trust him or believe him after what all he did. That day, a lot of heated discussions took place. I told him I need more time to think (It had only been 8-9 days that he came back)…I told him and pushed him a lot for what all he did, but I could not hold back my anger and hurt that time before“.

For about 10 days, Niki had let her former boyfriend know that she did not agree to his and his parents’ term that once married, she will no longer work, and she expressed to him a lot of her hurt, anger and mistrust. He then told her: “My priority is my family & their priority as you and also your uncle have been informed before, that you should not work after marriage. But I think that is not convincing to your family, thus let us finish this“.

She then told him that she “was ready to leave my job, to which he said ‘No please, it is too late now. And also, you do not trust me and your parents are also skeptical“.

He then blocked her. When her uncle texted her former boyfriend’s father, his father replied: “As per discussion of kids, it is going nowhere. so it is a NO from our side and my son is also not interested in Niki nor marrying her anymore. Request her and your family to not contact him from now on“.

Niki’s response: “I am beyond broken again, not knowing what to do…  I am full of regret of not saying Yes before he left, guilty that I spilled my hurt and pain to him that I took much time. I am literally blank… Either I am a fool or a I am stupid. I have not option, but now to live my life as it is. Everything is again back to zero. And he is again, nowhere“-  those were Niki’s last words on this thread, March 8, 2017.

Sushmita, what do you think about Niki’s story, about her reaction to her former boyfriend returning to her life wanting to marry her? I am very interested in your thoughts about her story.

anita