July 28, 2022 at 11:32 am #404665
I hope I have not made you feel frustrated with all this.. I apologise for that if so..
Thing is my parents come from a different time and how they see things is how they have been taught by their older generations. I can try to change their heart but may not exceed. Sad part is this caste system is so much deep rooted in us that even my boyfriend believes that he is from that low caste…. I constantly try to tell him you are not but what else can I do. My mother has so much fear of relatives as well that they’ll laugh at us or they’ll die of shame in the society.Our generation is more or less doesn’t care about what others talk about us but the generation of our parents do. They are not aware about the psychological impact of doing this or maybe they do not even belive something like this exists.
I wanted to be with this man to prove to society as well that no one is made less or more by God which i truly believe.Him giving up on us for this bizarre reason is also one of the reason how caste system will go on for generations to come.We should let these walls break down.
Although he has said we have time I am not going anywhere I am not getting married before you as well & that he’ll talk to his parents after October.He then says that when it comes to asking God I’ll pray it’s you and me in the end.
My parents are also trying to move out of this village and we’ll be living in some other place hopefully.
I am so grateful to have someone who is taking so much time and putting effort to write so much for me.Thank you Anita ma’am.I don’t know you but it feels like i have a corner where i can come and share without feeling guilty.Thanks a lot🌻
Hardest thing about all this is knowing you are not wrong Caste system is wrong, having the strength to fight with everyone for that person and trying to show your parents the right thing as well……. Still seeing that sometimes life is just trying to teach you patience, acceptance and letting go and many more things.
It feels he is doing it less for him and his family more for my parents and their respect. I have left it to God now maybe.I hope he gets the best and if it’s not him and I in the end in God’s plan May both of us move on and live our life.It hurts to see him trying to suppress his emotions and pushing himself so much.He tries to be happy but I can see what war is going within him.I hope time heals him and me too. Or if I could I’ll ask God to give him courage to stand by me.
I know you must be busy with your life too ma’am.I will not mind even if you’ll take days to reply.Do so only when you feel like it.
Sending love and gratitude 💕July 28, 2022 at 11:34 am #404666
I am sorry about the grammatical erros i have written it in a flow🤭🥲
It was not exceed…i wanted to write succeed..haha:)
Hope you don’t mindJuly 28, 2022 at 12:08 pm #404667
I am glad that you posted again. I will reply in an hour or two.
anitaJuly 28, 2022 at 2:18 pm #404670
You are welcome. I don’t mind your grammatical errors and thank you for your appreciation and emojis (and for calling me ma’am, I still like it!)
“Thing is my parents come from a different time and how they see things is how they have been taught by their older generations… My mother has so much fear of relatives as well that they’ll laugh at us or they’ll die of shame in the society“- I know that shame and fear of retribution keeps the caste system in place. It will take courage, initiative and time to change it.
“I wanted to be with this man to prove to society as well that no one is made less or more by God which I truly believe” –
– I have 2 questions for you: if he did all he could to marry you, and wanted to arrange a surprise dinner at a fancy restaurant for your parents to join you and him, planning to ask your parents to marry you, (1) will you agree for such a plan, (2) if the 4 of you were sitting around a table at the restaurant, the table full of tasty appetizers, and your mother says to him: I cannot accept you! I cannot eat with you, you sub-human! I can’t believe my own daughter is eating with an inferior, a polluted less than a human! How dare you sit with your superiors, shame on you! I refuse to have low-caste grandchildren because of you!
– What would you say or do, right there and then and after… ?
(the boldfaced and italicized above is based on your words: “my mother says it’s impossible for her to accept… she can’t eat with him…and that whole of your family will be then from low caste ..your children…I want something else for you“)
anitaJuly 28, 2022 at 9:59 pm #404685
July 29, 2022 at 11:19 am #404717
- If at a restaurant she’ll hesitate a little but then Eat….She has sometimes let people from other communities come to our house and eat although in different plates.Sometimes even have said that everyone is equal.This much of things she is saying only when it has come to me.I am single child and she is very possesive about me or I’ll say her world revolves around me.For parents it’s like it’s just a teenage thing she’ll forget him if she stops talking to him.In Hindi as they say “baaton mein aajana”.By any means separate her from him. She’ll find someone else fall in love again. But this thing will leave a scar on the heart no matter what.
“If at a restaurant she’ll hesitate a little but then Eat….”- then what?
In your last post you did not answer my two questions. I will condense the two questions into one question: if your mother, in your presence, said to the guy you are interested in marrying what I typed in the italicized, boldfaced print above, how will you react?
anitaJuly 30, 2022 at 4:27 am #404746
No I don’t think she’ll say that……I am just trying and trying to help them to move out from this village but nothing is working out …..my parents both of them never have same opinion on anything…My mother also doesn’t want to live in this village..Also if they stay in this village then whole village and the extended family will not let them live in peace……My father is always trying to tell my mother choose your other family and let’s live with them here only…..and that I will not care for them in their old age…..I was never this person. Today in the morning I heard him saying this to my mother again…. They are not letting me leave this place…. It’s very hard to focus on career as well in this chaos….. I feel like running away from everything…..let them do whatever they are doing and leave everything behind… Or maybe then being one of the child that comes home once in 2 years… All my empathy and everything I have suppressed so much.. idk what person i have become…. With that guy i am completely opposite of what I am here… I can speak and my point of views are appreciated. I can be who I want to be. Today my mother also said if the caste was not that I would have allowed you… I am so much pissed rn i want to put my head in some grinder 😒…. Career relationships love everything… Everything in life is shaken. I don’t want to be one of the woman who is filled with so much anger all the time and leave everything as it is .. someone who never gets married …. And that’s all what i am seeing… My parents will see someone from their caste… I am very sure I am not going to like it and then you know the rest of the story’. I don’t know what do I do.July 30, 2022 at 4:32 am #404747
Regarding this that my parents (my mother) will say things on his face no they’ll not. I am sure of that they’ll not do it. Sometimes all of this angers me to the point that I have my life I want to keep them happy and what they are doing to me.. I want to turn selfish and if someone wants to marry me someday after I am settled in career and I’ll marry in the court and not call any of them 😒…… Is this life all about.. compromises sacrifices?? And then living with rage?July 30, 2022 at 4:35 am #404748
I know I act like very stubborn child sometimes… I have left talking to my parents many a times but nothing works i again go back to them….I again try to understand them… But this weight on my chest it just suffocates me. Nothing in this village is good for our family.. nothing.. there are no facilities… All the extended family are always trying to use my father for money because of that there is always chaos between both of my parents….. I know no easy Espace to this other than sleep …have been sleeping for days now.July 30, 2022 at 4:38 am #404749
And the question that how I’ll react if she says…. I’ll immediately stop her from saying that…. I’ll talk to her before also not to say anything like that and if she says then that’ll impact our relationship which is already at this point.July 30, 2022 at 10:56 am #404756
“And the question that how I’ll react if she says, I’ll immediately stop her from saying that. I’ll talk to her before also not to say anything like that“-
– you have the power to tell your mother to say or not say whatever she wants to say? “My mother said other day that she is going to gather all relatives and get me beaten and that’ll fix my mind“, you wrote not long ago. Saying this doesn’t indicate to me that she will be submissive to you.
“My family is very much dysfunctional. Where I am constantly blamed by my father for being the reason of misery and no property given to him by my grandfather… My parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words… My parents both of them never have same opinion on anything…I am just trying and trying to help them to move out from this village.. My mother also doesn’t want to live in this village“-
– if your mother leaves the village, will she not take her thoughts and feelings and behaviors with her wherever she goes? Is the same not true in regard to your father? And together, will they not take their dysfunction, constant blaming, misery, issues, fighting, blaming each other and using abusive words against each other.. with them, wherever they go?
In a way, the village lives inside your parents and so, they take the village with them wherever they go.
“They are not letting me leave this place… I feel like running away from everything… I don’t want to be one of the women who is filled with so much anger all the time and leave everything as it is, someone who never gets married … Is this life all about, compromises sacrifices?? And then living with rage?… This weight on my chest, it just suffocates me… I know no easy Escape to this other than sleep, have been sleeping for days now”-
– being imprisoned in a Family, in a Jati (a caste or subcaste)- you feel compromised, sacrificed, suffocated, angry and rageful. You want to run away but your only Escape is to sleep. In traditional Indian society a person is born into a Family and into a Jati and is IMPRISONED in each: no escape, no freedom.
In your first post regarding your boyfriend at the time, you wrote: “He wanted to part ways without me telling at home. But I was so Afraid of losing him and I so firmly believe in fighting for Love“-
– are you not Afraid of losing yourself if you continue to exist in this prison you found yourself in? Maybe you should fight for your individual freedom.
anitaJuly 30, 2022 at 3:07 pm #404767
A big hug to you….. Thank you… I’ll update:)July 30, 2022 at 3:10 pm #404768
– thank you, Sushmita. Update when you’re ready, take your time and a hug back to you!