Dear CB:

It is a good thing that you have a good job and if I understand correctly, you are not concerned with suffering financially/ not having a home because of him leaving you.

This man you were with for almost three decades doesn’t want to be with you anymore. He made that very clear.

It will take time to adjust to this reality.

When I used to think of my youth being gone, mostly in emotional pain and distress, alone and lonely, I used to feel great regret for not fully living life, for not achieving what others achieved. Now, having learned all that I learned about life and having seen and adjusted to reality, I no longer feel regret when I look back. Instead I am able to focus on the here-and-now, on the life I have left, the life that is still here to be lived.

I hope you do the same. Do feel free to post here anytime.

anita

Dear CB:

I would contact your parents in law, both of them, if I was you: you took care of the two of them for  a long time, built relationships with the two. Your (now ex) partner decided that he doesn’t want you in his life (outside of discussing the most practical things), but it is not his parents who decided that they don’t want you in their lives, is it?

So contact them-if contacting them has to be done through your ex partner, then contact him.

I don’t think that  you will be allowed to visit the Covid-19 infected parent who is in the hospital (or that you should, even if you were allowed)- see if you can send him a message somehow, maybe the hospital staff delivers cards to patients, or little gift packages, something you can send to that parent.

anita

Dear CB:

You shared that your ex partner is living with his sister.  I wonder if your ex partner communicated to you and to his sister that he doesn’t want you to call her home?

I also wonder who is the closest to his parents: is it your ex partner, his sister or another sibling/ family member- whomever is the closest to the parents should be the one you contact, I figure.

anita

Dear CB:

I suggest you call your ex partner and say something like this to him: I understand that you don’t want me in your life anymore as a partner, and I accept it. I don’t want a man in my life who doesn’t want me back. I am therefore not calling to get back with you, and I will never call for that reason. What I am calling about is your parents.  I took care of your parents for a long time and I care for them. I want you or (his sister) to update me about what is happening with them. I want to be able to send them messages (or gifts, whatever is allowed). Can you do this for me?

– if he is just a bit of the good man you said he used to be, then he would say to you: yes, I am sorry I didn’t update you. The latest that happened is… (an update).

anita

Dear CB:

You are welcome. I am sorry that you are heartbroken. I know the experience myself, that of finding it “just unbelievable” that a person behaves a certain way. In my experience, it is not that the person I trusted changed from good to bad, or from loving to .. cruel, but that I didn’t see the person accurately to begin with.

In other words, I don’t think that an adult’s behavior changes suddenly and drastically (except if the person is under the influence of powerful drugs, or if a person suffers brain injury or illness), but that we didn’t really know that person well.

anita

Dear CB:

I don’t think you were so blind, maybe partly blind, most of us are partly blind as to who we are and who other people are. If you and I communicated for a while, longer, you and I will be able to see better.

It is not a lack of intelligence that causes us to see less/ to have our eyes partly closed; it’s that we don’t want to see what will make us feel bad.

If you want to explore better, so to see more, let me know.

anita

Dear CB:

I don’t understand the following: on one hand, he keeps telling you that he wants the two of you to be friends ( “he claims he wants to remain friend… keeps saying he wants me in his life and to be friends”),

but on the other hand, he withdrew all contact with you other than discussing practical matters regarding his son, he keeps you at arms length,  and he doesn’t even take a moment to text you regarding his parents’ health, one of whom has Covid-19 ( “He’s withdrawn contact unless about practical matters our son who’s 20… left and since held me at arms length… ex shows no respect in these challenging times to keep me informed would take a second to text”)-

– is it that he lied when he said repeatedly that he wants to be friends with you, or is it that you told him that you can’t be his friend because he left you.. or is it something else?

* I am asking because I wonder if better communication with him at this time is possible and if it can result in you feeling better.

anita

Dear CB:

It is amazing to me that he left without much of an explanation and in such a one-way-street kind of a way, not doubting his decision to leave, not struggling with it. Like you wrote, it’s like he turned off a light switch. (I wonder when he turned it off, maybe way before he actually told you that he was leaving).

It looks like the idea of the two of you communicating any time soon is hopeless, that friendship is highly unlikely, and that neither one of you wants to communicate or be friends. In that case, what can you do other than to relax best you can into this new reality: a new personal reality (your relationship breakup) and a new global reality- the pandemic.

We all have to relax best we can into this new global reality because we can’t make it go away anytime soon. If we get all stressed out and panic, what good will that do- it can only harm and it will not help any.

Same thing regarding your new personal reality- you can’t change it, so relax into it best you can.  And post here and elsewhere anytime you’d like.

anita