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Help Me Understand My Actions, Please.

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  • April 13, 2014 at 2:28 pm #54698
    sandy
    Participant

    So I’ve posted a bunch of times over the past year about my emotional struggles with moving on after a relationship. I’ve found lots of success over the past month. I disconnected from social media and stopped texting/emailing. I did this because I was constantly fearful of what I would see on his pages. I got stronger and though I still suffered daily, I didn’t have the anxious fear.

    The past couple of weeks he’s contacted me more frequently. I’ve been able to keep emotional distance during this, though still sad and suffering on my own (just missing the past). Things changed over the past couple of days. I looked up his Facebook account, his band page, his Instagram. It sent me spiraling back down again. Wondering who he’s dating, if he’s getting back with a girl he went out with after we broke up, etc…

    I was writing in my journal asking myself why I did this. I know when I’m not feeling strong about myself and it’s almost like I go looking for this stuff knowing that if I find something incriminating I’ll be able to just remove him from my life completely. I’ll have an excuse. I used to address these habits by coming up with actions to prevent me from looking him up, but now I kind of just want to understand why I’m doing it because maybe then I can stop.

    I guess the deeper problem with disconnecting is that he’s taking care of our pet, in another city. I had planned on getting the pet back once I had a better home, but that hasn’t happened yet. So I can’t just completely disconnect from him because he is doing me this favor and I want my pet back someday soon.

    I feel like I need a therapist. I don’t have the resources for one, and there aren’t any pro-bono or social service counselors available in my town. I know that help and support from Tiny Buddha forums is always good for me in re-examining my thoughts and actions and was hoping someone might be able to shed a little light on my situation…

    April 14, 2014 at 12:11 am #54736
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Sandy @sandyone

    I am not sure what advice you are looking for but I will try to provide my perspective, which may or may not resonate with you.

    Only person who can help you is YOU. We all are unique in this world. No other person is like Sandy. This means, Sandy has her own strengths and weaknessess. How Sandy will cope with a situation may be entirely different from how others may deal with that same situation. If I was Sandy, it would be quite clear to me that my current life is not with this guy and I would make a new life for myself. But Sandy is not me.

    So you need to figure out what love means to you, what a relationship means to you and what Sandy means for you ? If Sandy is your prime concern then be nice to yourself and move on. Stop tortuning yourself. If Sandy is not your prime concern, then you can continue with your actions and keep living a life with fear.

    Can I please recommend this book to you for today and for future: Feel the fear but do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. If you decide to get the book, pls start with the last 2 chapters – if they resonate with you, you will find many of your answers in that book and you will go on to make a beautiful life for yourself. You can get the book from app store or with free delivery from bookdepository.co.uk

    Pls be kind to Sandy. She deserves way more happines and let the Universe help you with that. As long as you are stuck to the past or any fears, no one will be able to help you.

    Sending you heaps of positive energy and hoping that you will start a new chapter of your awesome life from today itself.

    Jasmine

    April 14, 2014 at 2:47 am #54741
    Will
    Participant

    Hey Sandy,

    I’ve not read your other posts, so I don’t know exactly where you stand with this person, but it sounds like there’s not much chance of you getting back together. So what happened was this: you did some good things, disconnecting and keeping emotional distance, and then you slid back into older behaviour that makes you fearful and frazzled and in pain.

    The reason you did this is that you get something out of that pain.

    I can’t tell you what that is, maybe it’s the sense of connection it gives you to him, maybe because it gives you something to blame (I feel bad because of HIM, so it’s not my fault), maybe it’s just because you’ve grown used to feeling fearful and dependent on that trickle of news you get from his facebook, and you feel a kind of vertigo when you stand on your own. Or some other reason. It’s often something that makes sense emotionally, but is, rationally speaking, totally barmy.

    When you find yourself doing something over and over, even though you know it makes you feel bad, it’s probably because there is something in that shit sandwich that you crave. I used to read rabid anti-gay websites, because there was something about the anger it gave me that made me feel invigorated and righteous. Of course, it also made me miserable, but it took me a long time to realise the misery wasn’t worth the energy I got from being angry. I stopped looking at the sites (and that was hard, and I had to quit a couple of times). I now get my energy from healthier, more positive thoughts, and I don’t have that voice of hate and fear yammering into my head every day. Life is a little better.

    Keep on quitting. Keep on doing the good things you know you need to do. And if you can figure out what the magic ingredient in that shit sandwich is, try to figure out other ways to get it.

    April 14, 2014 at 4:42 am #54748
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’ve done, and probably still do, something similar to what you are doing. I figured that one of the reasons would be that there’s this thought somewhere at the back of my head that if I go to the source of the pain, I can control it. If I can’t see it, or hear it, then perhaps it’ll sneak up on me and surprise me with pain. Of course, I never can control the pain, and the pain just ends up controlling me.

    I remember this one thing from a book I read about abandonment, and it said that if you step on a duckling, it’ll start to obsessively follow you around (this was from some sort of scientific/psychological experiment). Unfortunately I can’t remember what the conclusion about it was, as I was reading the book during a time that was so filled with pain, that it was hard to focus. In any case, I can understand the obsessing part, even though I have no explanation for it. Other than the idea that one keeps friends close and enemies closer; to know what is happening, to be able to control it.

    I’m sure it’s always more complex than that, but I just wanted to let you know that you’re not exactly alone with such behavior. I agree that you should definitely continue to choose the healthier option and keep the distance. Even tell him that you need some time and space to heal. Surely he’ll take good care of your pet, and you could focus on healing. It’s funny how we are fine with taking some time and giving care for ourselves when we have some visible ailment, like a broken arm, bad back or the flu. Yet, when it’s about a broken heart or injured soul or trauma from abandonment, we keep saying that we should just get on with it and move on. There’s no need to ruminate over the pain, but it is a good idea to pay more attention to how we treat ourselves and what we put ourselves through when ill.

    Be kind to yourself.

    April 14, 2014 at 2:11 pm #54779
    Giovanni’s Life Coaching
    Participant

    Hi Sandy,

    Do you want to understand why you keep feeling sad about the past relationship and why you keep thinking about it?

    You could ask yourself, “what do I feel like I lost from the relationship, and how does thinking about it give it to me again?”.

    My guess is that you feel like you lost connection, and thinking about the past relationship makes you feel connected to him again.

    What do you feel?

    Giovanni

    Giovanni’s Life Coaching
    YouTube: youtu.be/_ER90I6Pkwo
    Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1hnwvCe
    Twitter: https://twitter.com/GiovannisLC

    April 14, 2014 at 9:48 pm #54789
    sandy
    Participant

    Thank you, Jasmine for sending me hope and good wishes! I’ve heard of that Susan Jeffers book before, and may have even borrowed it from the library. I’ll look it up again, because I’m sure that it has information that would be helpful for my situation. I really appreciate your help. Thank you!

    Hi Will, thank you for your helpful advice and perspective. I’m trying to figure out that “shit sandwich”, which is a perfect name for what I get into. Maybe just calling it a shit sandwich will help me to recognize what I’m doing – AND STOP! Or as you recommend, finding something else to replace it that’s healthier and more positive. 🙂

    The Ruminant, your words really took me by surprise. And make complete sense to me. I think you hit the nail on the head with that. When I think about when I get myself into the situation, there’s a total disregard for just letting life happen. I have to know something and I think probably try to control things instead of letting them unfold. I’m a recovering control freak, so maybe it’s a passive-agressive way at trying to control my circumstances. I’m also a total snoop and always have been (I should look into the source of snoop-ishness). You make so many good points… I loved your duck story and how you had forgotten the conclusion (sounds just like me) and keeping enemies close, being honest, healing my wounds, etc. The honesty thing is probably the hardest thing for me to do. But maybe if I read the Susan Jeffers book that Jasmine recommended, I can get a step closer to speaking my truth to him and asking for space.

    Hi Giovanni. Your question about what I’m missing was timely. It made me think about how great he made me feel. Always supportive, always encouraging. Although our communications have been superficial, mainly about my pet, when he found out yesterday that I was studying for finals, he told me to study hard, that I could do it and good luck. It’s been hard to lose that supportive rock that I had for 9 years. Until now I’ve been in denial about what a great and supportive companion he had been to me. I had never had that in my life, least of all from the people closest to me. A crying fit this morning told me that I’m really having a hard time letting that go. I have to keep telling myself that I’ll be in his heart (while imagining the scene from ET where he points to Elliot’s chest before boarding his space craft and says “I’ll be right here”.) Remembering that connection that transcends space is helping me to get through. Thank you for your insight!

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond and help. It’s great to get other’s perspectives and advice. What once felt like an unsolvable problem seems to make a little more sense and I think I’ve been pointed in the right direction. Now I just need some courage, will, hope and heart.

    Love and peace to you all! Thank you again!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by sandy.
    April 15, 2014 at 1:35 am #54794
    sandy
    Participant

    I just wanted to mention that I’ve been looking into “snooping” and based on what I read, it can be a pathology. Also, if one has been hurt by someone else’s dishonesty or disloyalty (I have), one might do it for self-protection when they have a sense that the other person isn’t what they purport to be (it’s always nagging at me), so I don’t have to be vulnerable. They say the pain of worry and fretting about the problem can be more painful than getting actual proof.

    Some good advice provided was that everything I need to know is within me and that I should trust my intuition and gut feelings when I start to feel the need to know what’s going on. I like the idea of turning within to listen to my inner voice – something I ALWAYS ignore and don’t know how to trust because I often choose to to suffer in denial.

    Anyway, never thought I was a snoop, but now I know my tendencies and putting a name on it might help me to be more mindful. Thanks for listening!

    April 15, 2014 at 2:18 am #54795
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks everyone.

    Hi Sandy

    Personally, I find it quite challenging when we call ourselves names or give ourselves limiting labels. You are not a snoop nor have any pathology. You are a perfect piece of creation who is still growing and learning to listen to your inner self.

    When we start looking for limiting reasons for our actions, our solutions become limiting as well. However, you are not finite. You have all the power within like you found out.

    Give yourself some time, love and care and in a few months, you will be past all of this. When we get stuck to hurt, disloyalty, dishonesty, fears etc – these emotions win. Go beyond them as you are much bigger than anything in this world. Just like yourself, everyone else is a perfect piece of creation as well but has not figured that out yet. This is the reason why we fall in and out of love so quickly. When you start believing how special everyone is, you will never feel hurt by anyone and never fall out of love as you are seeing them from a place of love and acceptance. Life will just become a smooth ride with more beautiful lessons to learn on the way.

    Blessings,

    Jasmine

    April 15, 2014 at 7:27 am #54805
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    This is just my personal opinion, but I think that most obsessive things that we do are a form of self-protection. Not very efficient in what they’re supposed to do, but there’s some kind of logic behind it.

    I’m a rather controlling personality. It might not be obvious, as I’m also laid-back, but my brain is constantly doing some kind of calculations and I’m very aware of my surroundings and the subtleties in it. It is very annoying, so I do try to actively let go…occasionally. Not constantly, but now and again. In a safe place, when I’m alone, I imagine letting go of everything. Accepting that the world will continue to function without my awareness of what is happening in it. I can turn my back on everything for a moment and trust that everything will not fall apart. It is very liberating and very thrilling. I feel very light and like I’m standing on a hill, with wind blowing from every direction, and I accept it all. I don’t have to control the currents and the winds; nothing bad will happen.

    I know that I would have to do a lot of letting go in order to change the way my brain works, but for now, it’s enough for me that I can acknowledge when it’s starting to become too stressful and I can then find the release I need from the grips of the controlling brain.

    April 15, 2014 at 10:45 pm #54835
    sandy
    Participant

    Jasmine, you’re right about the labels. I deeply appreciate your words of wisdom. I’m printing out what you wrote to help me work on having compassion for myself during tough times.

    The Ruminant. I know that feeling you described when letting go. It is the freest feeling in the world. I often wonder why I don’t put myself into that space more often since it feels so nice and everything just falls into place. It’s great that you are able to get into that space when you’re stressed. I fall pretty hard when I’m stressed and usually can’t pick myself up very easily. It would be great to get to the place where letting go can be my savior. For that to happen, I feel like I’d need a personal coach with my at all times, telling me to let go. I’m so fortunate to have you all here to help and be that coach to help me out. What a gift — thank you!

    Giovanni, what you described is how I would describe my situation and the other who I’m suffering over. I see both of our sufferings and know that we both may have had issues with self-worth in the past (and present). My greatest hope and goal in life is to do the work needed to overcome my negative self-worth so that I can be infinitely loving and supportive to others. I really really wish for that. Secondarily, it would be nice to live with more happiness and contentment with what I have.

    This all takes lots of work and effort and I want to commit to it. It’s going to be a tough full-time job, but I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have such supportive souls as you all are helping me with this. You are all so much appreciated! Thank you!

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