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Help save my marriage, my wife doesn’t love me.

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This topic contains 31 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 32 total)
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  • #299579

    Darren
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I am Taiwanese Canadian married to a Japanese wife and we have a 3 year old daughter together. We’ve been married for almost 4 years now. Lived in Japan for the first 3 years of our marriage. Then last April I brought my family with me back to Canada because my wife didn’t want to raise our daughter in Japan. For the first 2 months in Canada, we had to live with my parents. Due to language barriers etc, life became very stressful for her. Then I tried to help her by introducing her to a couple whom i’ve just met as well. The couple was Asian Canadian man and Japanese woman. The guy had sponsored his girlfriend to Canada, so I figured their relationship was solid. I didn’t think it would be bad for the man and my wife to go to the casino or just hang out. A month later, due to a bad feeling, I pryed into my wife’s cellphone and found out she was having an affair with him. I immediately confronted them both and had the affair ended. My wife’s returned back to Japan last October with my daughter and told me her father has prepared a position for me in his company in Japan and wanted me there before February his year.

     

    Fast forward to my current situation, I am working for my father in law at his company. I have no friends I can hang out with here. My wife goes to the gym everyday and comes back around 3-5 am in the morning. I’ve confronted her about it but all it does is push her away more. She has told me she doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce but is reluctant as well because of her father’s company and our daughter. The very last time we spoke about our issues, she says she has considered telling her mother and thinks her mother will understand.

    What should I do to get my wife back?

    #299603

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Darren:

    The gym is not open until 3-5 am in the morning, is it… she is not there for so many hours every day, is she.

    While in Canada, you introduced to your wife a couple you just met, a man and his girlfriend. You then knew that your wife spent time with the man alone, just the two of them, but you “didn’t think it would be bad for the man and my wife to go to the casino or just hang out”-

    – did I understand correctly: your wife and this man went out together, just the two of them to the casino and the two of them hung out together and you didn’t see a problem with that, at the time?

    anita

    #299609

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Darren,

    It sounds like your wife is already out of the marriage, it just isn’t legal yet. I think it’s noble and commendable you both want to be married for the sake of your daughter. Right now that is actually the right decision by her. But as she gets older, can you really live in limbo land like this?

    Best,

    Inky

    #299621

    Darren
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    When I confronted her, she says that she sits in the car at the parking lot most of the times and talk on the phone with her friends. She says staying out late is better than being in the same room as me.

     

    At at that time I allowed for her to go with him to the casino twice, I didn’t want my wife to feel trapped at home feeling bored. The other guy I thought had a solid relationship with his own partner. I also trusted my wife to be loyal.

    I’ve learned from my mistakes now.

    #299623

    Darren
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

     

    Just today before she left to go to the gym, I asked her politely if she could run a small errand for me as I have to stay home to watch my daughter and she seemed super annoyed by that and said “No” before hearing me out. I’ve made a list of what I need to priorities in my life to become a better version of me, but it’s days like this that make it hard to continue. Sometimes I get super depressed and I become impatient with my daughter. Even though I know that my daughter has nothing to do with this, it’s so hard to seem like everything is fine in front of her when things really aren’t.

    #299629

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Darren:

    “help save my marriage,  my wife doesn’t love me”- how can you save a marriage with a woman who not only does not love you, but is a dishonest, irresponsible and cruel woman?

    It is not possible to make a marriage work with a woman who lost her loving feelings, but not with a woman who will say to you: “No” when you ask for something to make it possible for you to watch over a little girl who happens to be her daughter, her responsibility as well, a woman who spends many hours elsewhere, not with her daughter.

    You losing patient with your daughter is not a good thing, and it is a consequence of your living circumstance which must change-

    – I would say it is best that you separate from your wife (who is not  your wife in any way other than legally). What about going back to Canada with your daughter, having sole custody of your little girl (doesn’t read to me that her mother is interested in being a mother)?

    anita

    #299675

    Valora
    Participant

    Darren, from what you say, she seems to have some resentment towards you, saying that she would rather sit in her car than be in the same room with you and also said “no” when you asked her to run a small errand. Has she always spoken to you this way and, if not, do you have any idea what could have led to this?

    #299699

    Darren
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Is there absolutely no hope left in my marriage? My daughter loves both of us very much and I’d like to try any way possible to keep the family together.

     

    We’re currently living in Japan so taking my daughter to Canada would involve me sneaking her out of the country. My wife has expressed that she wants to keep our daughter.

    #299703

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Darren:

    You can share more about your marriage, how did it come about that you got married, was there closeness in the beginning, were there arguments, fights, who started those arguments, what were they about, how did you express your anger at her, how did she express her anger.. what were her complaints, and so forth, the more information, the better my understanding and maybe I can answer best I can your question in your post addressed to me.

    (I will be away from the computer for an hour or so).

    anita

    #299705

    Darren
    Participant

    Hi Valora,

    Yes, after catching my wife’s affair, I would peak into her phone due to my insecurities and I also tracked her with a gps. I have to say, I did catch her lying multiple times after the affair. First was she mentioned her Ex was coming to Vancouver to meet his sister and she told me she would not meet up with him. She told me on the same day I found out about her affair. I believed her. Turns out through email she was still making plans to meet up with her Ex. Second, while she was back in Japan last December and I was still in Canada, I found out she was staying in someone’s apartment in Tokyo and I asked her in an roundabout way to FaceTime with me to see my daughter. She then kept making excuses that our daughter is with my mother-in-law. I then asked if we could FaceTime at a later date, she then said they’re planning to go out.

     

    After catching these lies, I became even more insecure. She tells me she’s not having an affair, but even now I’m skeptical. She also says she doesn’t care if I believe her or not and that she won’t go out of her way to prove to me she’s telling the truth.

     

    It’s a very one sided love at the moment and I feel very hopeless in this marriage. I have read online that couples who get through this could have a great marriage afterwards. I am holding on to the hope that we can get through this. I know I have to stop doing things to push her away even further.

    #299713

    Darren
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I got her pregnant and we decided to get married. We didn’t have any fights or anything in the beginning. Also, the first two years of her motherhood was great. She was very caring and attentive to both our daughter and myself. She wanted to come with me to Canada because she didn’t like how her mother interferes with our parenting methods. The one thing she liked about me was that I was honest. But after the affair, I had tracked her with gps and when she asked me about it, i denied it. She soon found out. She also tells me she hates people that look into her phone. I told her I’d stop, but some days my curiosity gets the best of me and I would look at her phone again. I found out she would delete any messages she has with guys because she doesn’t want me to read those messages. I confronted her about this, and that’s when she brought up my promise of not looking into her phone again and how I couldn’t keep the promise. I told her I can’t trust her with all these suspicious behaviors, and she tells me she couldn’t trust me either.

     

    She he told me the main problem that started everything was how back in Canada, my parents were saying how my wife wouldn’t always greet them and how she is always on her phone like she is waiting for someone. I confronted my wife and she got upset because she felt I immediately sided with my parents and didn’t care to listen to her side of the story. She felt like I wasn’t there to support her and that is also her reason for having the affair. She thought the other guy was very understanding and she felt he was the only person at that time she can confide to.

    #299715

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Darren:

    I do not know what, if anything, you did wrong to her, or how you hurt the marriage. You did share what she did wrong, two things she did wrong, and both are grave: she repeatedly lied to you and she repeatedly cheated on you. In addition, she expressed no regret and no intentions to correct her ways or communicate with you for the purpose of saving this marriage (from what you shared). This leads me to think there is little to no reasonable hope for your marriage.

    Did you talk to your father in law about this?

    anita

    #299719

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Darren:

    I wrote to you the above message before I read your most recent message (double posting). From your most recent post reads to me that this woman is dishonestly manipulative: accusing you for betraying her trust by checking her phone records and in doing so neutralizing/ excusing the fact that those phone records revealed her cheating on you. She excused her affair while in Canada in a similar way, blaming you for it.

    At this point, reads to me that there is no reasonable hope for this marriage, what a shame. I would do, if I was you, whatever it takes to dissolve this marriage and place your daughter’s well being as your first priority. (And it is not heathy for your daughter to live with two parents who argue or are suffering living together!)

    anita

    #299721

    Mark
    Participant

    Darren,

    Have you talked with her?  Have you been able to really listen to her?  Without judgement or being defensive?  Just silently listen to all her rants, raves, anger and pain?  Start with that.  That way you can really understand what is going on with her.

    It does sound like she has give up on the marriage.  Have you asked her point blank that she wants to stay married?  Let her know that you’d rather divorce than be in a relationship that she has already left.  There is no point in staying together otherwise.

    The affair is the symptom of her checking out.  It is more understanding wether she has totally given up or if she has not then really finding out/listening to her on her unhappiness.

     

    Mark

    #299723

    Darren
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have not spoken to m in-laws about this situation as I fear that by doing so means the end of everything. I had hoped for things to return to how it was like during the first 2 years of our marriage and even now it’s hard for me to let go.

    My father-in-law made me a position in his company in the import and export industry. This field of work had always been my dream to work in. I feel like if I left, I would be losing out on a lot.

     

    I’ve read online that my wife is behaving the way she is because she has lost her attraction for me. That if I could focus on myself, through time, she may be able to feel attracted to the new man I’ve become? I know that the recommended action I should take is to dissolve this marriage. I feel pathetic to still want to keep trying.

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