Hey Beni,

it’s a joy to hear from you too! <3

Oh, you have been going trough a thing and found some lightness. I’m proud of you!

Thank you! Yeah, it was a kind of a dark night, but I did find light(ness) and hope, eventually…

I wonder what beliefs the knees are connected with.

I’m afraid a part of it is a consequence of an old injury (a fall) that dislocated my kneecap just slightly, and over time caused my cartilage to wear off. But it was a slow and insidious process, and I didn’t get a proper medical advice either, so the damage to my cartilage progressed more than it should have 🙁

But I’m sure there is a spiritual, i.e. psychosomatic component as well, because it is about mobility and movement. And I’ve been pretty immobile and paralyzed in making certain career decisions. During this latest “dark night”, I’ve actually realized what core beliefs were behind it, so I’m working on releasing those.

And there was also the lower-back pain, which was an additional very nasty episode. Thankfully, that’s much better now, although I feel I’ll never be the same again, in terms of the ability to put stress on it. But thank God, it’s much less of an issue than before.

In any case, both of those are problems with physical mobility, and I’m pretty sure it’s related to the psychological aspect as well. And I think that because I’ve become aware of it, it’s easier to manage the physical pain as well.

I revisited a woman in autumn which turns out I’m really attached to. More than I thought. I have been suppressing that for a year before. To keep it short she has no space for me. I think every day of her. I think she’s the love of my life and I don’t really move on and I’m learning to accept that. Also I’m not moving on with my life I’m kinda waiting for her.

“she has no space for me” – meaning she’s not interested in a relationship with you?

That must be hard if you believe/feel she’s the love of your life, and your love isn’t reciprocated 🙁

I’m not moving on with my life I’m kinda waiting for her.

You think she will change her mind? Did she give you a hint that she might?

This is connected to the relationship with my mother inside. I feel way better about her I love her. Outside I don’t care so much.

You mean you love this girl and you’re hurt that she doesn’t want to be with you, but you don’t show it to her? You pretend you’re cool about her rejection? Or you haven’t even showed her clearly that you have feelings for her?

It feels a bit like my parents have died. Also the relationship with my dad is something I reflect more often now.
I feel avoidant about meeting family and old friends.

Oh, I’m sorry about that. A part of your isolation – which you talked about before – is that you didn’t want to relate to people on their terms, but on your own, right? Specially with your mother, you didn’t want to fulfill her “orders” (to clean the kitchen, etc) while she treated you with disrespect. Do you feel that’s still the case – that you don’t want to pretend with people, or conform to their expectations, but you’re also not able to set proper boundaries, so it’s easier for you to withdraw?

I have been staying 3 months in a monastery and will stay another month in june.

Oh cool! How’s that been?

All this has taught me a lot and i can stay present trough more pain and am more accepting with myself. I generally feel peaceful even when in pain and often I can step away from heavy and dark tought patterns.

That’s great that you can emotionally regulate yourself and you don’t slip into dark thoughts. That’s a real strength. To sit with pain, and feel it, without letting it consume you.

Turns out I’m not who I think I am..

Would you elaborate on that?

Hi Beni,

uhh, a lot of deep stuff in your last post. Dark night of the soul, death (emotional), nothingness, being no one (“There’s nothing behind the mask”).

Was that a Buddhist monastery that you stayed at? It seems the philosophy they follow is to focus on letting go (what you call emotional death), because in letting go, one is freed from pain and darkness, and there is lightness and independence (if I understood it right?):

Also one think a monk told me that dark knight of the soul is this dark thing and we’re here in the Christian countries are often drawn to the dark. But there is this very light and freeing quality while there is loss and often I notice how I’m focused on the dark. So it showed me lightness and independence and that death is nothing to fear (physical and emotional) but I’m still working on that one.

You also said:

It was quite heavy. I felt like if I just let go I would die. I went trough some heavy things and I think about death every day.
But also to die is the end of something so I would say emotional death is an important part where physical death doesn’t work.

Does emotional death mean to cut emotional ties to the people who have hurt you (such as your parents)? Because you say they feel dead to you now:

It feels a bit like my parents have died. … I think the feeling that they are dead is good. It shows autonomy and independence but I’m not trough it there are still parts pulling.

To be honest, I don’t like the term “emotional death”, because it sounds like not just letting go of unhealthy attachments, but also dying emotionally, not feeling things any longer, not caring about anything (or anyone) anymore? I’m not sure if this is what you mean by emotional death?

True healing does require letting go of unhealthy attachments, e.g. letting go of our longing for our abusive or neglectful parents to finally give us the love and validation we’re craving. We indeed to let that go of that desire.

But I wouldn’t call it emotional death because the latter sounds as if we too die emotionally in the process – as if we become numb. Whereas with true healing, we start to truly live and love ourselves (and be able to love others too, in a healthy way). We don’t die emotionally, we are reborn, so to speak.

So I am not sure how these spiritual teaching go about healing? What is considered healing for them?

Hi Beni,
(or would you prefer to be called Ben? Because that’s how you signed your latest post)

Oh, I spent so much time on this message. I hope it makes some sense to you

well, I think I understood most of it, but I’m not gonna lie, it’s not super easy 🙂

Ties of dependency and fear I’d say. I wouldn’t say they have hurt me anymore because they they could not do better and I did allow them to hurt me.

Well, even if they did the best they could, or they didn’t hurt you on purpose, they did cause emotional wounding. The wound is there, even though they didn’t mean it. It’s like you get hit by an arrow accidentally – it hurts, regardless of the fact that it wasn’t done on purpose. (ok, maybe this is a silly analogy, but it’s the first thing that came to mind).

And secondly, as a child you didn’t “allow” anything. We as children are passive “takers” of whatever treatment we get from our parents. We don’t really have the discernment to know what’s right or wrong, neither do we know how to set boundaries or stand up for ourselves. And many times, we think it’s our fault if our parents behave in hurtful ways.

So please don’t think that you allowed anything, as a child. Many times, if the abuse isn’t so obvious (such as beating or other types of physical abuse), the child doesn’t even know that they are suffering from abuse or neglect. For example, the child might be getting constant criticism and shaming, and yet believe that they deserve it.

So I think it’s okay to say that your parents have hurt you, i.e. caused some emotional wounding in your childhood. It doesn’t mean, however, that you never forgive them and that you – as the adult – cannot do anything to heal that wound. The wound is there, but now it’s your responsibility to do something about it.

Actually it’s a good thing that in order to heal, we don’t need anything from our parents – even if it was them who caused the wound. That’s the beauty of healing our own inner child- we don’t need to rely on our parents to give us what they failed to give us in childhood.

I say it this way because when I get caught by a strong emotion I become that emotion. I’d say, I’m born. Death would then be: “to be unborn again”.

So when you’re overwhelmed by an emotion (i.e. become the emotion), you say “I’m born”? And when you don’t allow the emotion to take over, you say you are “unborn again”?

That’s an interesting wording. Actually, the ability to observe our emotions without getting overwhelmed by them (like you said you did a few posts ago), is the feature of our Observer Self. And the Observer Self is one aspect of our True Self, or our Divine Self. So when we observe the emotion, but don’t become it, we’re in our Divine Self.

I’m mentioning this because being the Observer doesn’t really mean to be emotionally “dead”. It’s more like being “aware”. So to me, instead of “emotional death”, I prefer the term “emotional awareness”. Provided that we’re talking about the same thing: observing the emotion but not becoming overwhelmed by it. But please let me know if I’m not understanding you properly…

To the thinking mind it feels like death and I’ve been very afraid of it. First you have suicide thoughts and then you learn that physical suicide will not work. I did little acts of suicide like not drinking enough. Not eating. Not washing. I just gave up on trying to live. It did not seem worth the energy. But then you just keep living. It’s weird.

I am glad you’re not contemplating physical suicide. But I also understand that being overwhelmed by strong emotions can feel very scary (“To the thinking mind it feels like death and I’ve been very afraid of it.”)

It seems that you wanted an escape from those overwhelming emotions, and you tried to deprive your body of basic needs (eating, drinking), so you would feel less, right?

I understand that there is pain but no ties to it. This to me is the soil for healing to happen. Because then what is stuck in the body can move and be free and then healing happens.

Hmm… let me see if I got this right: You want to detach from pain, and the pain (and the unwanted emotions) are in the body. And so if you detach from the body, this could help in healing? Again, sorry if I’m misinterpreting your words… I would really like to understand, because then I could give you my thoughts on it (of course, if you’re interested).

I wonder did you make these career decisions you been talking above?

I’ve realized what’s holding me back from making those career decisions (layers of fear). Now that I’m trying to make an action plan, I see that my tendency to procrastinate is still present. But now I am looking it in the eye, I know what I’m dealing with, so it’s not automatic and unconscious. So I think I have a better chance to overcome it.

Hey Ben,

I belief that I get into victim thinking when I open up to this. But it might be as well some ignorance or fear of helplessness or pride.

Yeah, a lot of people believe that if they admit they are “wounded”, it will keep them in the victim mentality. And they want to avoid that. However, as I said, we can be both wounded and able to heal the wound. If we think like that, we’re not anymore in the victim mode, but are taking responsibility for our healing. We’re not passive takers of abuse, i.e. victims, but we have some agency in our life. And I think that’s a good way to think about it, because it neither denies that there is a problem, but it also enables us to deal with the problem.

My parents choose to have children before they worked on themselves. And they choose to live with their ignorance. They have responsibility too.

Yes, definitely. Many many people have children while still carrying wounds from their own past. And so the trauma is being transferred to the next generation, and the next – that’s the so-called generational trauma. My parents not only haven’t worked on themselves before choosing to have a child, but up until this day, well into their old age. So yeah, that’s definitely their choice.

I know what you mean. I don’t take it personally. It’s like evolution or biology. It just can happen like this. I better deal with it than to take it personal or worry.

Yes, your parents treated you poorly not because it was your fault, but because they didn’t know better. They had their own issues and it seems they were both emotionally immature in their own way. As a result, they didn’t know how to treat their child (or children – sorry, I forgot if you had any siblings?) properly, lovingly, in a way that won’t leave emotional scars.

It’s good that you don’t take it personally – it’s about them, not you.

I’d say that too. It is indeed my responsibility. It seems that I have forgiven them but I don’t want to have much to do with them and I’m afraid of relapsing.

I understand that. You’re still on your healing journey, still finding yourself, still figuring out where your boundaries are. It’s better to stay away from a deeper interaction with them, because you might get hurt again. So that’s totally okay to protect yourself while you’re healing and getting to know yourself and your boundaries.

I don’t think I can heal with my parents anymore.

Yes, you don’t need your parents in order to heal. They can’t really help you heal – unless they were very aware and have worked on their own issues, which would make them more understanding and having more empathy. But it’s better not to rely on them for your own healing.

I do think about physical suicide by times but as long as I don’t suppress it it’s fine. I think it’s normal and I don’t give it too much weight. I don’t like to tell you because I don’t want you to worry. I have to speak the truth.

I understand, Ben. I myself had similar thoughts when faced with the prospect of suffering for the rest of my life, due to my chronic pain and mobility issues. At least that was the thought I was telling to myself – that I would suffer forever – which fed those dark thoughts. But that kind of thinking is called catastrophization, and I know it’s a distortion. And I know how to snap out of it.

But I also know how the prospect of a long-lasting pain, be it physical or emotional, can mess up with our mind and make us desperate. And make us have those thoughts. So yeah, it’s kind of normal, as you say – when faced with the pain that seems unbearable.

I am glad you were honest with me. But I also hope those are just thoughts and you would never resort to harming yourself. I sincerely hope that no matter how hard it seems, you keep on keeping on and never give up on yourself. Because I promise you, it’s a quest well worth the struggle <3

I learned that I hate myself so I had to open up to it and allow myself to hate myself. I had to be a mother who accept her child this way. And I haven’t had it since.

Yeah, every abused or neglected child has self-hatred. I did too. We believe it’s our fault. We believe we’re unlovable. We hate ourselves because we weren’t loved properly. And we weren’t taught how to love ourselves.

My mother certainly didn’t teach me that – she was full of criticism of me. Lacking compassion. Strict, cold. No wonder I developed self-hatred. Because I believed her: I believed that I was unlovable and unworthy.

I guess you too believed the spoken or unspoken message your parents sent you: that you are unlovable as you are. That something’s wrong with you. That’s the core of self-hatred, I believe.

You indeed would have to be the mother to yourself, who accepts her child just as it is. Unconditionally. With all its flaws – even if you deem you have big flaws. Unconditional acceptance is the first step in healing, Ben.

When you say: “I had to be a mother who accept her child this way”., perhaps that’s what you did: you unconditionally accepted yourself, even as a part of you hates yourself. Unconditional acceptance. Now the next step would be to give love to yourself, to tell to your inner child that he is precious and that you love him, just as he is. Because the mother (or a healthy parent in general), she doesn’t just accept, she loves on us. We need to become that loving parent to ourselves.

What seems to work is detaching from the body and the mind. As long as I watch the tension in my belly and create a story like this is trauma and this needs to go away I’m attached.

You can give me your thought Tee. And also if you spot some ignorance you can point me at it.

I think I get it: if you say to yourself “this needs to go away”, there’s attachment. There is a pressure to change. There isn’t unconditional acceptance. But if you just observe the tension in your belly and the underlying thoughts/feelings, without the need to change them – that’s already different. There is no pressure in that, no attachment.

And if you observe all that, and at the same time have compassion for whatever is happening within you – that, in my book, would be true healing. Instead of detaching from the body and the mind, you stay with the body and the mind – observing the struggle and loving the person who is having the struggle. How does that sound?

Aha,that’s good that you got aware of that. Now change can happen more easily. I wish you courage and strength with that.

Thanks a lot, Ben! I need to reinforce my commitment every day. The old patterns are strong, but I am stronger 🙂