So this is going to be a little bit of a ramble, but I hope the contexts provides enough (without it being too personal in case he or someone he knows stumbles across it).

I moved far away from my family for college and that’s where I met my boyfriend.  He seemed perfect.  Like too perfect once I developed feelings for him.  When I say perfect I mean incredibly intelligent and aware (and of course his looks are to die for..not to sound vain.)  It’s kind of ironic because when we first met, we didn’t particularly like the other person.  But overtime, we became friends, helped each other through some drastic periods, and began dating.

You could say we moved really fast.  “I love you” at three months.  Moved in together at six months.  I really felt like he was *the one*.  He told me he felt the same.  Even though we’d only been dating briefly it was as if I’d known him for years on end.  We became inseparable.  Any time I wasn’t at work or in class I was with him.

Fast forward to 10 months into our relationship and to say things are rocky is an understatement.  I began working full-time on top of school in an attempt to reduce arguments about finances.  It obviously caused a lot of stress.  University and working full-time stressed us both out.  And he went through a major family tragedy and was struggling with how to grieve.  I was doing my absolute best to be there for him.  I tried to be the ideal “home-maker” by keeping everything spotless.  He loved to cook and would always prepare huge things while I was away.  I took care of everything else as far as cleaning, caring for the dog, etc.  I let him know if he ever needed to talk, I was there.  He would go through crazy mood swings which would always result in saying he was going to kick me out on the street, how much he despised me.  I was past being understanding and on multiple occasions I viewed alternative properties to move to.  He’d always come a few days later and say he didn’t mean what he said.

So about a month later, I get some time off from work and I’m talking about going up north to visit my parents.  We are both excited about a little get away from life.  But a week prior he stumbled across messages I’d been having with my mom asking for advice on how to deal with the crazy behavior he’s having.  (He wasn’t snooping but on new windows the messages automatically appear on the computer screen from FB.)  It really upset him and he said he didn’t want to go anymore upon remembering the messages saying my family will judge him and he’d be uncomfortable.  He said I was more than welcome to go by myself since I’d been talking about how much I miss my family.

So I arrange to go to my family and the day I am supposed to be leaving he loses it.  He said when you’re packing your stuff, go ahead and pack ALL your stuff and don’t come back.  I start freaking out, naturally, asking if he’s serious or if he “doesn’t mean it” again.  He says he means it.  I’m a shitty girlfriend and I’ve wasted almost a year of his life.

I call my parents freaking out.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m being broken up with and becoming homeless at the same time.  They surprisingly remained calm and told me to pack as much as I could and begin the drive back.  While I am packing a few hours later, and crying still, he’s in the other room and tells me, “I’m going to tell your parents they are pieces of shit.”  to which I retort, “The only piece of shit here is you.”  Then he snaps.  I’ve never seen such anger in his face before and he charges at me screaming at me to repeat what I’ve said again.  It ends with me begging/ screaming to be let go, him threatening to kill us/telling me to fight him since he knows I’ve got training (don’t ask me why I didn’t defend myself.  I am pissed at myself for not and instead letting this happen.)  He ends up biting my face hard enough it leaves a bruise that takes two weeks to go away.  A hour later he tries to hug me, say he’s sorry, is begging me not to leave for my trip, says he didn’t mean what he said about kicking me out.  I’m over it.  I leave that day and don’t look back.  I’m disgusted with him and startled, my face is throbbing.

I end up staying with my parents for a month, messaging him on and off talking about what has happened and fighting.  Before you guys say why am I talking to him, I felt really alone.  Ridiculously alone.  I tried reaching out to friends for support and I felt ignored and unimportant.  I felt like a disappointment to my parents.  Anytime they tried to talk about it with me in more detail, I’d start crying because I felt like such a failure.  I still feel like I’ve let them down.  Their approval has always been very important to me.

Regardless, after talking with him, he said he’s going to therapy, realized what has happened is horrendous and an ultimate betrayal.  I agree to move back with him so long as he continues therapy.  Parents don’t like it and show me stats of abused women, how often they return to their abuser, so on and so forth.  Long story short, I broke their heart and moved back.

I’ve been back for a while now.  Time seems to have flown really.  When we have a disagreement, we talk it out now like adults.  He’s very supportive.  I work part-time instead of full-time and do college online.  He kept all the promises he’s told me he would and life has been a complete 180 and we are both happier.  But I can’t forgive him for what he did.  I sometimes have bad dreams.  I have anxiety now.  The first few weeks being back I couldn’t sleep.  My heart will pound like I finished running a 5k.  I thought the anxiety was from letting down my parents, but now I know it’s because I can’t forget that horrible image of him charging at me.  I love him a lot.  But sometimes I go from looking at him thinking about how he’s the most important person in the world to wanting to hate him.  Like right now I am writing this and I want to hate him for what he’s done.  But he’s in the next room and I care deeply about him and as soon as I see him he’ll make me smile and laugh.  It’s only 10% of the time I feel this anger arise and I can normally shut it down easily be remembering how great everything is now.

I don’t know how to forgive him.  I want to see a therapist/ get professional help but that costs money and this forum is free.  Any suggestions or advice are greatly appreciated.  I want to forgive him…I want to forgive myself too, but I can’t seem to.  Please help.