Dear anita,

group therapy could be very helpful. I will have to really step out of my comfort zone, but I know it could be very worth it. I don’t know if I can gather up the courage. But it could help to overcome my fears and improve my quality of life.

The train ride would be 5-7 hours, by bus maybe 8 or 9 hours. The gathering will be held at one day, there will be lunch and later coffee and cakes. It usually lasts from 12 am to about 5 or 6 pm.It is at a holiday, on Thursday, so I have to take a day off from work/uni.  We will eat at a restaurant everybody will sit at a table together and eat and talk, sometimes we go for a short walk (usually it is in small groups and I walk with my siblings and mother).

The gathering is something I dread every year. I am not very close to most of the people there. It is to celebrate my grandmothers birthday. I am not very close to my grandmother. We always lived in different places and I saw her maybe 3 or 4 times a year. And back then I used to spend most of the time with my cousin. My cousin and I are now estranged. She and her sister have her life together, they finished their studies, have a partner, a job, a child. Me and my siblings though, we are still figuring things out.

In the past, there was lots of comparison between my uncles daughters and me and my siblings. For example, school grades were compared or when my uncle talked about my cousin singing in the choir and having a great voice, my father had to point out how good we are at painting.

One year my godmother (who I barely know), said to me “I pray for you that you will someday find a man. You are also not so young anymore”. I guess she meant well and it is partly hilarious to me, but still..

I just feel like a total loser there. That I haven’t accomplished anything in life… I don’t want to answer questions about my studies from people who are complete strangers to me. Maybe I should relax more and then people would also accept me… Maybe I should be more open. I guess I also have a negative attitude…

I feel I have to go there, or my grandmother will be insulted or sad. When I didn’t come some years ago, it was taken as an offence.

O

Maybe I am not trying hard enough with these dinner type situations… From the start I think: when will this be over? I hope nobody talks to me… If somebody wants to start a conversation, I try to escape it… It is no wonder if I come off as unlikable.

Basically I think: “I don’t want to be here” but I still go because I feel obligated. And then I feel like I am ruining it for everybody else, by being so tense and not talking enough.

Dear anita,

when I wrote to you, I was thinking to myself: maybe it is possible not to go to the birthday celebration. After all, I have a good excuse: I live far away and I have to work and go to uni on Friday.

Maybe I can offer to visit her another time. At least then I can concentrate on one person, which is easier for me. My sister also suggested that we go and visit her together another time. We could bring a board game, maybe it would make things less awkward. One time I went to visit her on my own and we watched old photos and talked about old times (which I am very interested in).

At the birthday gathering we usually don’t talk much anyways… So it could be a better idea not to go.

Thanks anita again for your message. It helps me to see things clearer.

For today though, I will go offline. I hope you have a very nice day and take care of yourself!

Dear anita,

I ended up not visiting my grandmother. It will be better if I go see her at another time. We talked on the phone, it really made me realize that we grew up in very different times. Our ways of seeing the world are different.

This week I managed to ask my professor if he can take a look at my drawings. Then we had a normal conversation, with me showing what I did so far and him giving advice. I feel proud of myself! Because I almost wanted to give up on this class. But I didn’t.

This is the way forward for me: no longer hiding myself at any little (supposed) sign of disapproval from others. Seeking confrontation. Being me, even though some people will not like it. Being more accepting of myself, even though others might find me weird.

I wish that I would have done this last year. In the dormitory situation and with K. But o.K., maybe at least this situation made it clearer to me that something has to change.

Today I also asked my therapist about group therapy and she will tell me more about the options next week. It will be scary though.

Thanks for your wishes, my weekend was calmer last week. And this week too. Tomorrow I will work on my drawings and maybe go to the museum later. How about you? I am wishing you a good weekend this week as well.

Dear anita,

I tried my best to do better. Sometimes it works, sometimes I cannot stop thinking self-depreciating thoughts.

To not judge myself harshly is hard, especially if I feel that I might have hurt another person. It is hard to forgive myself.

This weekend I spent at home for the most part. Not a good idea. I was quite unproductive. Better to plan  my next weekend better, plan some activities.. Maybe ask a friend to do something together so that I will follow through with it.

Hopefully your weekend was good! I am glad I can go to work tomorrow and my day will be more organized.

Dear anita,

somehow I had this thought for a long time that it is o.K. if I get hurt, as long as the other person is o.K. But of course, this doesn’t work, it is a very unhealthy way of thinking. And ironically, I will probably hurt others more if I half-heartedly do things to please them.

This other poster  who also named herself “Lily” reminded me of the time K. asked me why I never kissed him. And a lot of guilt and shame came up.

I need to leave the story with him behind me, but somehow I always think of these things. Maybe I should distract myself more… There will be a lot of work to do next week and there is also a block seminar next weekend. So hopefully my head will get occupied with more productive things.

The past is the past, next time I can do better. I would even say that to the man in the dormitory, if he had completely changed his life and become a better person. Then I should extend the same compassion to myself!

There is actually a lot to be proud of lately!!! I need to remind myself of that!

1. I am doing better at my job. I get along better with my colleagues and they seem to appreciate me now. The people of the company even told me that they want top keep me. Also I have improved when interacting with clients and even my chefs noticed. I overcame my fears there.

2. Last week at uni, I approached my professor and sought out the “conflict” instead of avoiding it.

3. My living situation has improved. I found a new room for myself, now I get along better with my roommates.

4. Now I also earn (almost)  enough money to support myself.

5. Since I moved, I also cooked again and now my diet is healthier again. (It’s just small, but cooking is something that brings me joy and I missed it)

6. In therapy and also thanks to talking to you I am starting to understand myself better.

7. I am working on a zine, hopefully it will be a good way for me to express myself and find my voice. One comic will be about consensual sex for example and how it should be, so that everybody is safe.

I am feeling a little bit better now. Maybe I will turn off the P.C. for today. It is 8:46 pm here and I will probably read something now. Please enjoy the rest of your weekend! And thanks, I hope my workday will be good too!