Joe:

So sorry to hear of your feelings of hurt and exclusion. But I disagree with Anita and hope you will find a middle path between hurt-ignored and total shut down.

I felt compelled to write because I’m so much in a similar setting, feeling excluded from family. Rather than foster those feelings of hurt and anger (which can go on for years, believe me!), I’m opting to create my own family. I’ve never been a big fan of “blood is thicker than water”, especially when there is so much dysfunction going on. I’ve got a couple of crazy friends, several colleagues whose company I enjoy, and I’ve got a surprisingly supportive group of folk from my line dance class (go figure!) who come to all my performances (I’m a pianist). I intend to find the rest of my tribe — young, old, black, white, fun, serious.

I hope you’ll do the same. Think of bigger love that’s out there waiting for you instead of simmering about love that’s mangled or missing. Talk it over with someone who cares about you, then send a polite, short email to your sister and her fiance indicating you won’t be in attendance, but you wish them all the luck in the world. Then go find YOUR world.

Love, Phyllis

Hi Joe,

I totally understand the difficulties in putting up barriers with family members, but it is so important and healthy for relationships, especially with family, to be able to maintain those rules. The good news is that you are in control of the situation and you can make decisions that support your happiness and well being, while not hurting (or minimizing the hurt) to your sister and the rest of your family.

If you are assertive with your wants and needs (i.e., you don’t want to be treated in the same disrespectful/hurtful way you’ve been treated in the past by your sister) then you can get what you want (i.e., respect, appreciation, etc.).

What I mean by being assertive is expressing your feelings/wants/opinions in ways that respect the rights and opinions of others, in this case, your sister. It is self-advocacy at its finest, without all the yelling and screaming and hurtfulness (you mentioned that you two end up in heated arguments when you have brought up her hurting you in the past–totally been there myself!).

The key to being assertive versus aggressive is the respect of both parties. Assertive is, “That’s not very nice. I don’t deserve to be talked to that way,” while aggressive is, “You’re dumb! How dare you! I’m never coming to your wedding because you’re an xyz!” It seems that you have a long list of reasons that has occurred over your entire relationship with your sister and it won’t be mended in just one email or conversation, but will need to happen over several attempts at being assertive with her (rather than aggressive).

I use a three-strike system with being assertive with an aggressive person. An example dialogue:
Sister: “Why did you do that? You are so stupid sometimes.” [STRIKE 1]
You: “That wasn’t very nice!” [At this point, pointing it out to the other person usually puts an end to it–key word: usually.]
Sister: “I don’t care. You’re stupid. I want to point that out so you’re not stupid anymore. STUPID.” [STRIKE 2]
You: “If you keep calling me names I will hang up/leave/etc. I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that. [Basically, say you will be ending the conversation and leaving the situation at the next strike.]
Sister: “Stu-pid.” [STRIKE 3]
You: —- [You say nothing and do what you said you were going to do, i.e., hang up the phone, leave, etc. You must stick to the consequence you laid out, as long as that consequence was reasonable and did not violate the other person.]

Now, the three-strike system can be shortened to just two- or one-strike situations if the first strike is offensive enough to you. For example:
Sister: “Why won’t you come to my wedding!! You are such a horrible person and selfish–” [STRIKE 1]
You: “Do NOT call me names. If you continue to call me names and scream at me I will hang up the phone.”
Sister: “How dare you! You are the one–” [STRIKE 2]
You: [You have already hung up the phone like you said you were going to.]

The point is that you stay calm and you control the situation in an assertive way. How intense the other person makes it–how rude they are to you, will determine your reaction, or rather how quickly you will disengage with them. The key is to not be aggressive–do not call your sister any names, do not get lulled into an argument with her, just do not engage when she starts to be aggressive. What aggressive people love is another aggressive person, so they can point to the other person and say, “You hurt me! So I will hurt you!” Defensiveness will not work–you need to ask for what you want (i.e., to be spoken to and treated with respect).

For your specific situation, I suggest setting up a time to call your sister and make sure it’s a good time for her to talk (where she’s not distracted, driving, etc.). Then you can start with something like, “Hi sis, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me as I know you are really busy with wedding plans. I really wanted to talk with you about some serious things–is now still a good time? Ok, great, thanks again. I know it’s going to be hard to listen to some of the things I’m going to say, but I really want you to keep quiet until I finish everything that I need to say. It’s really important to me. A lot of times I feel excluded from you and [your siblings], specifically when [give an example]. I would really like to work on having a more positive relationship with you, specifically I would like it if you wouldn’t call me names or embarrass me. I don’t know if you knew it, but when you do this [example] it embarrasses me and it really hurts my feelings. I’m bringing all of this up now because I really want to attend your wedding and be there for you on your big day. With such a big event coming up, it sifted all these emotions I have of us to the surface, which is why I’m calling. I love you and I want to have a relationship with you, but I won’t be able to continue our relationship in it’s current capacity and would like to figure out a way to work through this with you.”

I know that sounds like the most perfect scenario and she probably will interrupt you if you call her to say this. If it’s easier for you to send this all in an email then that might be better (less awkward too). That way, you have it all down in writing and you can draft it so it is not aggressive and just states facts and how you felt about things she did in the past, and state what you want in the future. The key with writing it is not to sound like you are blaming her (i.e., keep out all “you” statements like “YOU hurt my feelings,” instead write, “MY feelings were hurt when you said I was _____”).

It also sounded in your posting that you already have your reasons of why you wouldn’t want to attend her wedding and that you are just asking for permission to not attend. The only permission you need is from yourself (not your parents or your sister, even). Just you. However, from personal experience, I have found it helpful to have that final conversation (whether through email or via phone call) to make the final decision of continuing with the relationship or ending the relationship. That way, if the other person chooses not to respond to your email, then at least you tried your best in communicating your desire for change. Yes, it’s family. Yes, it will be complicated, but you will get through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there! And good luck!

Light and joy,
Cortney

Dear Joe:

I would like to write more about your thread here. I hope my further input is welcome. I am responding to these quotes only from your thread:

“She constantly belittles and criticizes me when it’s not called for.”- it is never called for, for her to belittle you. And who is she to criticize you? What makes her authority over you?

“She belittles and criticizes me in front of other people at family events – it’s bad enough that I have social anxiety when I feel as though she goes out of her way to direct all attention to me and makes me feel uncomfortable…-Sometimes she will prompt my other siblings to humiliate and make fun of me.” It is possible that you wouldn’t be suffering now from social anxiety if it wasn’t for her causing it, or being a big part of causing it.

“She has said really mean, hurtful things to me in the past and behaved in extremely spiteful ways – deliberately excluding me from things, constantly telling me I’m not normal etc… Recently, more bad memories from times she has treated me badly have resurfaced and they still hurt. Even as a child she excluded me from my other siblings.”
She has been abusing you over many years, repeatedly, persistently. It is now, understandably predictable that she will continue to do so.

“But how do I go about trying to tell her this? I know if I try and tell her about the way I feel in a polite, objective way she is only going to deny this and belittle me further…” Why say it in a polite objective way? Why not say it in a confident, strong, subjective way, yet not abusive?

I don’t believe you (or anyone) should meet an abuser half way. I don’t think the way to react (again) to an abuser is to turn the other cheek, as in welcoming another episode of abuse. Arguing with her, shouting etc. is not the way either, as you already know. I believe in ending abusive relationships and it doesn’t matter who the abuser is.

Stand up for yourself, Joe. Before finding your answers in abstract concepts, please do the simplest, practical thing that needs to be done: end this abusive relationship. Extricate yourself from a relationship that has harmed you for so long.

anita

I gravitated to this topic because I have a brother who’s getting married at a destination wedding and I, to the tisk-tisking head-shaking disappointment of some family members, have decided not to go. My anecdote is not to distract from yours but to show you the levels of awful a sibling can be and how I dealt with mine — maybe you will even appreciate yours more after hearing this. My brother fathered a child 12 years ago and now refuses to have anything to do with her. When she turned 9 she asked to meet her family. My brother refused but my parents and I agreed and she came over and I’ve had a relationship with her ever since. Her mom is a drug addict and homeless (a grandmother cares for her during the week. When not with me, she spends weekends in hotels and storage rooms and her case is under Protective Services investigation). Meanwhile my brother makes $300k + a year and does zero for his girl. On the occasions it has come up, he tells me simply I should stay out of “his business” — our parents have taken his side. (No doubt she is his, by the way. DNA proof.) The mother is too incompetent to seek financial support from him. I am the only one in our family who does anything for the kid. Meanwhile my brother is planning an island wedding with his second wife …expects me to go … is in utter denial about his behavior and everyone else in the fam just enables it. What is your sister like as a person? What sort of life does she lead? Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most because we take them for granted. Have you tried telling her sincerely your feelings? In my case, my absence from my brother’s wedding is an opportunity to make a statement — I do not support his behavior. Is that how it is for you? Do you really want to miss the wedding or do you hope your absence will send a message you’ve been trying all these years to get across? Maybe you could get it across more straightforwardly. Maybe give the talk a chance before ruling out the wedding. When you are old, memories of family gatherings will be important to you. Time with family, as much as they sometimes upset us, is valuable. You might regret missing out if you don’t have to. Even in my case, even as bad as my brother is, I still love him and still have a relationship with him, because he is my family. I have learned, and it has been hard, that denying love/un-forgiveness hurts YOU/ME and not the other person. That’s what you have to figure out. You can disapprove of someone’s behavior and even refuse interaction with him/her without withholding love. Get that idea solidified in your heart and the proper actions will follow.