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How to cope with Abusive Adult children

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks ago.

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  • #272929

    Anyone
    Participant

    Dear all,

    I am writing after a long time, hope everyone is doing well and following the blessed instincts. Good to see Anita, Inky still posting on this forums and helping out others.

    My parents are 70 years old and face verbal abuse of my elder brother who lives with them. He does take care of them (taking them to hospital/doctor) but the way he talks to them is nothing less than treating them as shit. For his own reasons, he blames them for his life (he got divorced twice and now finding it difficult to remarry). He used to physically and verbally abuse his ex-wives. While, I live far from my parents, it gets tricky if I try to intervene. I have told my brother many times that it is not the right way to behave with anyone, especially with parents, who only want his good.

    While my Dad ignores his behavior, my Mom gets hurt deeply, but also doesn’t stand up firmly to say that this kind of behavior will not be acceptable. She has tolerated a lot, brother has often blamed her for the decisions that turned out wrong.

    I have tried to persuade brother to see a psychiatrist because I know clinical depression runs in our genes. But, he is reluctant to take pills. Hard to change their minds.

    I don’t know how to resolve this situation!!! Don’t want my parents to die an abusive death

    #272945

    Mark
    Participant

    Anyone,

    Your parents raised your brother.  It is tragic that their son’s abusive behavior is directed toward them.  There is a saying, there are no victims, only volunteers.  Your parents are adults and have chosen to accept his behavior.  Unless your brother starts physically abusing them, then I don’t have any suggestions in changing their situation.  Of course, if you are going to try to convince anyone to change, it is not with your brother but with your parents.

    Mark

    #272969

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Anyone,

    If he is abusive, it’s a good idea to call a social worker. Even a parish nurse from their current or old church. There are professionals who protect older people too from this kind of thing. I would also have neighbors visit them. A lot. Abuse thrives when no one’s looking. If your parents are visited (A LOT) your brother will know that other people care for and are looking out for them. Who knows? He may feel embarrassed that they don’t REALLY need him for rides to their appointments because there are truly many volunteers who would LOVE to schlep them around and take care of them. He may even move out one fine day, who knows?

    The other problem is your parents are “only” seventy, and they may not even realize they are old. They may truly think: “We can handle our son. We’re HELPING our son”.

    Also take just your mom away to be with you for a couple weeks. Call it a women’s retreat. Go wherever. She will get much needed relief from your brother, and your father can deal with him man to man maybe.

    Best,

    Inky

     

    #273209

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anyone:

    Welcome back.

    You wrote that your brother verbally abuses his/ your parents with whom he lives, and that your father ignores his behavior, while your mother gets hurt deeply.

    4.5 years ago you wrote that your father shouts at your mother (“when he shouts at  mom  and dominates her, I can’t take it and freaks me out”).

    I wonder if currently your father still shouts at your mother while your brother verbally  abuses both?

    anita

    #273227

    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you, Mark, Inky and Anita for your response. Much appreciated.

    @anita – Yes, my father used to do that and now his son is doing that, with both. Currently, my mother shouts back at my Dad and they both quarrel like cats and dogs. And another situation is where everyone of them is frustrated with each other.

    My brother often says that he wants to leave the city; I have tried to ask him to take the plunge (he wants to too, but he doesn’t take a decision) because when he is not around at home, the environment is peaceful and calm.

    Kind Regards

    #273231

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anyone:

    You are welcome.

    I wish your uncle does leave the home of his parents and make a better  life for himself, not abusing anyone. And  I wish your father and  mother wouldn’t shout at each other and would  be kind instead.

    anita

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