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How to distance oneself from someone you have feelings for?

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #307611

    G
    Participant

    I need tips on distancing myself for someone who I’m pretty sure I’ve developed feelings for. I would tell him that I have feelings but I’ve never met him in person—we’re online friends and have spoken to one another everyday since they say we connected. And Im honestly embarrassed to have developed a crush for someone I met online. It’s literally never happened to me before. Plus, I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable or make things awkward. We chat all day long about how our day is going, things we have in common, how we’re feeling etc and I really love talking to him as he’s witty and funny and fun and just a joy to talk to but I just need time away to sort through my feelings. We’re both 22 if it matters. Thanks.

    #307629

    alizee2007
    Participant

    Hi G! Welcome to the forum!

    Are you talking about distancing yourself for good from him or just emotionally ? Why is that? Does he have a girlfriend? Don’t you want to have a love relationship with him? Is he unavailable to you? Why can’t you meet in person if you have developed a great friendship? I think you first need do sort this out.

    The way I see it, you will have to reduce the communication between you two (though, I know, it’s hard!). Don’t reply to his messages as often as you used to and see his reaction on this. It will tell you more about where he stands regarding your friendship. Maybe it will make him miss you and clarify his own feelings for you.

    Let me know how that works!

     

    #307633

    G
    Participant

    Hi, thank you for responding ❤️

    I mean just distancing myself from him emotionally. No, he doesn’t have a girlfriend but when I hear him talk about girls it makes me feel weird sometimes. Sometimes I’m like ok whatever it doesn’t really bother me but sometimes I wish he saw me in a romantic light. And the reason why we haven’t met up is due to money and we live multiple states away.

    I really like him as a person and that’s why I talk to him all the time. I’m quite introverted so I’m not the type to consistently talk to someone all day and everyday, but with him I do because I enjoy his energy. I’m going to reply to his messages less, I just don’t want to hurt him or make him worry which is why I’m considering telling him how I feel and why I feel the need to distance myself. I’m just really scared is all.

    #307637

    Mark
    Participant

     
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>G</p>
    I view honesty is the best policy. Let him know that you find this interaction something that you need to take more time with and you won’t be talking to him every day. As for his understanding and limit that interaction. What do you think?

    Mark

    #307645

    anita
    Participant

    Dear G:

    “I’m considering telling him how I feel and why I feel the need to distance myself. I’m just really scared is all”- a good idea, to tell him how you feel. If you don’t, what does it say about this online friendship:  “We chat all day long about how our day is going, things we have in common, how we’re feeling“, and yet, you are hiding from him your feelings.. ?

    Regarding being scared, isn’t it easier online for you, than if it was in person, to type him a message? You can take your time typing it, editing it… you can even post it here if you want input on it before you send it to him.

    anita

    #307647

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi G,

    Do you know what he looks like? Do you know if he’s really your age? Does he have a real name (that’s attached to him)?

    If the looks, age and name check out, why wouldn’t you want to (someday) meet him in person?

    You could confess to him without it being “A Confession”.

    Just tell him, “If we ever got together IRL, that would either be amazing or ruin everything LOL” and see what he says.

    But regardless, give him the chance to miss you. Start talking way less.

    Best,

    Inky

    #307663

    Valora
    Participant

    I’ve been in this situation before. It was when I was about your age, too. I met a guy on a message board and we started talking a lot. We were only 7 days apart in age, had a lot in common, and became best friends for several years. We talked to each other about everything. I think it’s very easy to develop an emotional connection with someone in this way, especially when you are having such good conversations all day, every day. You build up a trust and an attachment to them that easily can develop into romantic feelings. I’m telling you this basically because I hope you won’t feel so embarrassed. It’s a completely normal thing that happens to a lot of people who develop friendships online.

    Would the distance be a barrier to you in real life? I saw in your other comment that you live several states away and won’t really have enough money to visit each other, so, in that case, it sort of doesn’t matter whether you tell him how you feel or not, because a relationship where you never see each other won’t work and it’s also possible that you may not have the same sort of feeling in person as you do with him online. If you think backing off from talking to him would help you, I would do that. In my situation, I was able to just sort of remind myself it wouldn’t work because we live too far apart and was able to back off my own feelings in that way.

    #307711

    G
    Participant

    Mark– I think that is the most logical choice to make. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’m realizing that there’s a lot of vulnerability that comes with admitting you have feelings for someone and that’s whats scaring me. But its a fear that I guess I have to overcome

    Hi Anita–yes it is definitely easier to type a message. I guess I’m just worried about conveying what I feel in a way that isn’t overwhelming or off putting. I most likely am over thinking this

    Hello Inky– Yes, I know his name, I know what he looks like, I know where he’s from, his age, what his voice sounds like, etc. So it’s not like I’m going off of purely text online. I would actually love to meet him in person and we’ve spoken about it. It’d be cool to see how we interact in real life. School is starting up in a few weeks and that’ll give me an excuse to be busy and be in contact less. I know I’ll miss him a lot 🙁

    Valora–your story definitely makes me feel less embarrassed. All of the things you’ve mentioned make sense, but the one thing that I try to remind myself is that he doesn’t see me in that way. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The distance would definitely be an issue and that’s something that I also try to remind myself of. Thank you for the advice 🙂

    #307713

    anita
    Participant

    Dear G:

    To convey your feelings “in a way that isn’t overwhelming of off putting” make your message short and clear, nothing dramatic. You can message him something like: I developed a crush on you, weird to me because I never met you. Plus I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Did I just make you uncomfortable?

    A message like this will be in line with the very nature of your online relationship with him:  chatting a lot “about how our day is going, things we have in common, how we’re feeling etc.” – in the message you will be sharing your feelings with him and checking if he has a crush on you as well, if you have this in common as well, or  not.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
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