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  • #123005
    VJ
    Participant

    Hello TinyBuddha,

    There are many many posts/questions on the site where people are looking for love and are not able to find one.

    People are fed up after hearing things like ‘love yourself at first’. People are frustrated (and rightly so) after constantly trying hard by doing everything to meet the love of their life.

    Some say you will find love when you stop looking for it? Is it true? Is self-love the most important factor in finding love? What helps? Does anything from the Law of Attraction principles work in regards to finding love like – imagine, feel, clear your closet and make way for a new member coming into your life, and so forth?

    Can you share your inputs about your own opinion, your own version that can be of any help, to a reader looking for love and landing on this page? I personally do not have anything to comment to anyone, but want to know on tips and pointers on this topic, which can for sure be of any help.

    Can you tell “how to find love“? What has worked for you to find real, lasting love? What has worked for any of your colleagues or friends or acquaintances or even your parents? How to find a soulmate, a life partner? I know there is no one answer to this question and thereby need your wide range of inputs. Thank you.

    • This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by VJ.
    • This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by VJ.
    #123008
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Hey VJ,

    That’s a good question and I remember having this conversation a while ago. The reason why people say to love oneself first is varied but in simple terms it just means – we accept the love we think we deserve. If you don’t love yourself, you will put up with all kinds of shit and also attract people with poor boundaries.

    Leaving that bit aside, how to find love?

    Hmm I don’t know. I never looked for it per say. It just happened somehow when I was least expecting it. I kept my heart and mind open to the experience though but had clarity over time about what a good partner would mean. I met my current boyfriend at a time when I wasn’t ready for a relationship but we somehow fell into place together. Funny how fate works.

    As for friends and family…well one friend found it online through a book review site. Another met the one through a friend on a social occasion. Another met the girl during a badminton tournament, someone else on a flight lol. My parents had an arranged marriage.

    Currently I do have one friend who is looking for love. He is very happy with his life though – got an awesome job, good friends, supportive family but now he wants to feel a different kind of intimacy. So he seeks love but doesn’t actively look for it. There for many ways for him though – through common friends, events, arranged marriage route etc. Usually people find the person during college or office life. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

    So yeah I know my perspective is more skewed towards twenties age of finding love. But i am sure the other posters will have much to add.

    I do believe in one thing about love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

    Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself, it’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone. Staying in love though is the bigger challenge ironically”

    Regards
    Nina

    #123011
    Maya
    Participant

    Even i am in search of Soulmate:-)

    I am learning Self Love and Self acceptance( i am still work in progress:-) )
    Accept your Life as it is right now and be clear what are you looking for in your Soulmate (i am still doing it)
    Start enjoying your life Right NOW and stop waiting .
    connect with yourself (Meditation is a good way to start)
    Hope this helps Vj

    Best wishes,
    Maya

    #123017
    Peter
    Participant

    ‘Fish don’t know they’re in water’ likewise Humanity don’t know they’re in ‘love’

    Love has many leaves and so experienced in many ways. I suspect one of the lessons of becoming is to discover that love exists in all of our experiences even those that are painful. Sometimes I wonder if setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it. We become seekers lost in the seeking failing to see the water we are swimming in, failing to become finders.

    How to find Love? Be open to seeing with eyes anew.

    Perhaps rephrasing our question might help?

    What you seem to be looking for is the experience of a journey of love within a personal relationship with another individual.

    How do experience Love in relationship? Be open to seeing yourself and the other with eyes anew. Be open to experiencing love in all is simplicities and complexities.

    #123031
    anita
    Participant

    Dear VJ:

    “How to find love”-

    A few short answers that come to mind:

    1. Stop looking for it where it is not (in that abusive relationship, in that unloving person)

    2. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.

    3. With #2 worked on over time, you can SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to #1.

    anita

    #123068
    VJ
    Participant

    Thank you Nina, Maya, Peter, Anita for your valued inputs. I have collated your pointers at the bottom and will be doing it cumulatively, so a reader landing on this page gets a summarized gist of the thread. Please feel free to add/edit and to give more of your ideas which are going to keep coming to your mind quite often.

    Hi Peter: (or can also be answered by all other members of the site)
    Thanks again.

    “‘Fish don’t know they’re in water’ likewise Humanity don’t know they’re in ‘love’”

    I understand this concept. Fish is a part of the ocean but ocean is not a part of the fish, although they both are ONE. Love is all the consciousness there is and we humans are a not only a part of it, we are that consciousness.
    I have come across this concept during my spiritual quest and understand it theoretically and also agree to it. The difficult portion is for its practical application, and which is why so many people end up frustrated on what to do for finding a life partner.

    A question after understanding this concept that arises to me is – What can one do practically to access that loving consciousness that is all there? Then my findings have told me answers like – You need to become love. Doing love is different than being love. I very well understand and agree that something such as ‘being nice, sweet and kind to people’ is not being but it is doing (intentional people pleasing) and so is tiresome when one does not find a partner after all of this. Then a question arises on how to BE love? What could be the practical ways to manifest that soul mate?

    Some take years to find that ONE or some may even take a lifetime, or may be some may even not find a suitable one in this lifetime. A question arises where are these people lacking? Are they not loving enough? Are they not complete, which then brings to answers like Point #4 below. Then what else is required.

    What will “seeing with eyes anew” mean to someone looking for love and reading this post?

    I know there is nothing such as a 3-step formula to find a life partner, but any practical tips as short bullet points to some of above questions that can be added to the below list of pointers are most welcome.

    Yes, my question is only specific to a personal relationship with another person hence the wordings in my post which started the thread – “How to find a soulmate, a life partner?”

    ——————————————————————————————————————————-

    1. It may happen somehow when you are least expecting it.
    Keep your heart and mind open to the experience but have clarity over time about what a good partner would mean.

    2. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

    3. Lessons for Love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

    4. Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself. It’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone.

    5. Accept your Life as it is right now and be clear what are you looking for in your Soulmate. Start enjoying your life Right NOW and stop waiting

    6. Connect with yourself through means like Meditation

    7. Setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it.

    8. Stop looking for it where it is not (in that abusive relationship, in that unloving person)

    9. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.

    10. With #9 worked on over time, you can SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to #8.

    Take Care all of you,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by VJ.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by VJ.
    #123087
    anita
    Participant

    Dear VJ:

    You wrote and asked in your last post, following the fish and ocean analogy: “Then a question arises on how to BE love? What could be the practical ways to manifest that soul mate?”

    The fish can learn about the ocean by learning about the fish, its own self. As a human I have my brain/ body as the only resource available to me in my quest to learn about the ocean. This is why I suggested in my post above:

    “2. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.”

    To find love, know thyself. I am suggesting that you will find that in the beginning, before you believed false things about yourself, you were a loving being. You loved your parents and reached out to them with nothing but love. Often they did not return that love and you got hurt. This is why it is very important to be able to know a potential partner, so that loving another person will not result in hurt once again.

    anita

    #123183
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Appreciate your response.
    Agreed, point taken (and added as #11).

    More questions <-> for more clarity

    I introspected on your 3 points. Those are summarised as 8, 9, 10 below.
    What does “learn more about who you are” include?
    What does “work” in No. 10 mean?

    Secondly, say for example, I or anybody looking for a life partner have realised that “Yes I did not get the love from my parents during my formative years” – Then what after this? Will this realization be sufficient enough to find the love of my life?

    ————————————————————————————————————————

    1. It may happen somehow when you are least expecting it.
    Keep your heart and mind open to the experience but have clarity over time about what a good partner would mean.

    2. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

    3. Lessons for Love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

    4. Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself. It’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone.

    5. Accept your Life as it is right now and be clear what are you looking for in your Soulmate. Start enjoying your life Right NOW and stop waiting

    6. Connect with yourself through means like Meditation

    7. Setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it.

    8. Stop looking for it where it is not (in that abusive relationship, in that unloving person)

    9. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.

    10. With #9 worked on over time, you can SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to #8.

    11. To find love, know thyself.

    ~VJ

    #123188
    Maya
    Participant

    Without actively Looking for Love(or anything for that matter) how will u find one?
    Because Mr Peter said that When we set goals its keeping us away from what we desire.
    when something is clear in our mind we happen to experience it in physical realm.
    we should look forward without fear.
    i think that when we Focus we manifest.
    If anyone has different perspective please feel free to share:)

    #123197
    Peter
    Participant

    The difficult portion is for its practical application, and which is why so many people end up frustrated on what to do for finding a life partner.

    Yes, my question is only specific to a personal relationship with another person hence the wordings in my post which started the thread – “How to find a soulmate, a life partner?”

    Watched the movie ‘Collateral Beauty’ over the weekend. It was interesting how the philosophy, theology, apologetics, platitudes about Death, Time and Love do not comfort in the times of anguish. For myself I would have wrote the letters to Life and Love but I suppose that Life would have been played by the same character as Death, probably, Love as well. They are all part of each other.

    Anyway your right understanding and even experiencing Love at a universal level does not at first glance help the practical application in a personal relationship. Understanding is not wisdom

    I do however feel that understanding love at the higher levels creates space in which we might respond to love as a practical application of a personal relationship.

    I start from the premises that each of us is the meaning of our life and so our task is in becoming and that Relationships are the crucible in which we discover ourselves and become.

    So what does this mean at a practical level?

    Psychologically by the age of 5 by nature, nurture, karma, sins of the “father” (however you want to identity it) how we are going to experience relationship is pretty much set and we will spend the rest of our lives working on healing.

    What this means is that we will set up and replay scenarios in our relationship, usually unconsciously, so that we can work through them and doing so heal. As in all things the possibility for growth or getting stuck exists.

    In a healthy relationship each helps the other work through there scenarios, become more conscious, and end the loop. (The show ‘This is Us’ shows how this is done).

    In relationships that become co-dependent instead of working through the scenarios the scenarios remain unconscious and so feed of each other and the couple become stuck. In such cases Love often requires the pain of a relationship ending to push the process forward.

    Love/Life always pushes upward to the light. Though it is painful it is still love.

    This is just my opinion. Life will put into your path people who through relationship will push you to become as you are ready. By ready I mean open to seeing and letting Life/Love happen. We work for that which no work is required. It might sound easy enough but being open to being loved as we are is very difficult. It is easier to give then to receive.

    Understanding and respecting the many experiences of Love as it is, Life as it is, while in relationship you create space to respond instead of react to the lessons you need to learn and heal the hurt and transcend karma. In this space you learn to pull back projections, recognize your shadow, and in doing so learn to see and love the other and yourself as they and you are.

    When you and your partner participate in the process of growth and becoming I think is when you discover you are in relationship with a soul mate.

    #123205
    John
    Participant

    How to find love? That’s a good question. I don’t really understand or connect with any of the intellectualism that has gone before in this thread so I will speak from my experience. I have been in love several times in my life but only once have I found love that has been reciprocated. When you fall in love you will know and in all probability the other person will not love you back to the same degree. If they do then you have a match made in heaven. Why do we fall in love with the person we love, nobody knows and no amount of analysis will reveal any insight. We feel for the other person. We want to be with them and that is all consuming. If that person is not within your circle of aquaintances then you need to go looking elsewhere. That’s why dating agencies are in business.

    #123212
    anita
    Participant

    Dear VJ:

    What a delightful thread!

    1. “What does ‘learn more about who you are’ include?”- for example: I want to learn the nature of anger. Studying the Ocean instead of the Fish would mean googling Anger online and reading articles and viewpoints; views of anger in science, different religions, law, etc. Studying the Fish would mean examining my own anger.

    I heard and read people say that when they are angry they don’t mean what they say, and that their intentions are good when angry. This is an input about anger that I received from the Ocean. Once I challenged this input about the nature of anger and examined my own, the Fish, I found out that when a person is angry and expresses it abusively, he/ she intends to hurt and means for his/ her words to hurt the person they are angry at. I then looked at animals where you can observe nature undiluted or distorted by thoughts, and there it is: animals proceed to hurt other animals when they feel angry- anger motivates them to fight/ to hurt another.

    2. “What does ‘work’ in No. 10 mean?” # 10 being: “With #9 (studying and learning about the Fish) worked on over time, you can “SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to (do not proceed).”

    The work I refer to is the studying of yourself, of the Fish. Back to my example: once I studied and learned that a person angry who expresses her anger abusively intends to hurt the object of their anger, I gain the understanding, when interacting with an angry, abusive person, that such abuse is intentional and must not be tolerated. If I didn’t understand this, if I believed that angry people don’t mean what they say, I may tolerate such abuse. I may think there is something wrong with me for being hurt at all by what they don’t mean to say. I proceed with the understanding that although anger is a natural feeling, expressing it abusively is not an option for me when interacting with another, and I reject it from another.

    3. “say for example, I or anybody looking for a life partner have realised that ‘Yes I did not get the love from my parents during my formative years’ – Then what after this? Will this realization be sufficient enough to find the love of my life?”

    Such an intellectual realization, a rational realization is far from being sufficient. It is only the beginning of healing. The realization that is sufficient for better, effective living, is a combination of rational understanding and emotional understanding. The emotional impact of being unloved and abused by one’s parents takes a lot of time, help and guidance to heal from. It takes unlearning things we believe in, things stuck in our brains with the glue of emotion.

    Do you find my answers clear and useful? Let me know.

    anita

    #123268
    VJ
    Participant

    Inputs from people who are especially looking for love (life partner) since quite some time and are not able to find are also required to comment with your own version of views over this thread, not for you to challenge anyone else’s ideas, but to gain insights and clarity on what does not work too. When you may know what does not work, you shall give way to what works. And then what works, will work for you.

    Dear Maya, JJC. Glad you have responded with your own point of view. Thank you for your inputs and for your perception.
    Perhaps what Peter attempted to say in No 7. is that –
    When you try to chase a butterfly, you will not be able to catch hold of it. But if you sit around a corner, by yourself, it will come and softly sit on your shoulder.

    Peter, Thanks for your response. I have inserted some as points at the bottom. True. Understanding and wisdom are different. But it is equally true that wisdom can be applied only when it is understood.

    anita, Thank you. Your responses and clarifications on the 3 points are going to be useful to me and to members coming across those points. It seems to be a lot of work. Or may be not, for some. Don’t know if finding the love of your life requires so much to do. Only experience, who is the best teacher, can tell. I know it was me who asked for clarification and hence you provided them, and I truly appreciate that. I am also more of intending for some key pointers that can straight away give clarity for someone say like JJC in the post above who states “I don’t really understand or connect with any of the intellectualism that has gone before in this thread.
    Something really simple, effortless. You have already listed them as those 3 points.
    So keep them coming and keep posting, as I understand, and also that you have mentioned, that just one realization is not enough.

    ————————————————————————————————————————
    Read Me:
    Below are certain tips, pointers, guidelines for someone looking for a life partner/soulmate.
    These are cumulatively added as and how the above conversations are made.
    Not all of them may be applicable to every single person looking for love, so one of them may be contrary to another too, or a multiple combination of them may be working for you. Keep applying, keep sharing.
    Love, Light & Best Wishes in finding the love of your life!

    I also invite both kinds of people, who are looking for love/or have already found, to feel free to directly add your own points at the end of the list, and keep the innumerable ways to find love growing.

    1. It may happen somehow when you are least expecting it.
    Keep your heart and mind open to the experience but have clarity over time about what a good partner would mean.

    2. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

    3. Lessons for Love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

    4. Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself. It’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone.

    5. Accept your Life as it is right now and be clear what are you looking for in your Soulmate. Start enjoying your life Right NOW and stop waiting

    6. Connect with yourself through means like Meditation

    7. Setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it.

    8a. Stop looking for it where it is not (in that abusive relationship, in that unloving person)

    8b. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.

    8c. With #8b worked on over time, you can SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to #8a.

    10. To find love, know thyself.

    11. Love/Life always pushes upward to the light. Though it is painful it is still love.

    12. For certain people, in certain circumstances, below may also hold true, so you need not worry if you are not able to find love for no reason at all –
    There is NOTHING wrong with you or your situation. Love will come, and you deserve it, there is no fixing you have to do, you are not enough is ridiculous. It just hasn’t arrived yet for whatever reason.

    Best Wishes,
    VJ

    #123273
    Maya
    Participant

    Beautiful list to find Soulmate 🙂

    And i dint challenge Peter but i got confused and wanted clarity.
    Because it was pointing out duality.
    That is to seek or not to actively look for Love?
    but i think he was saying about Peace within.

    Lot of people have manifested Soulmate:) For some its easy.
    but than being in default mode we can consciously choose that’s what i was trying to say:)

    But now i think i should be the person i seek( i should be the Love i seek:) )

    #123274
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Maya,

    Good you gained clarity on something that you didn’t have earlier. Even I didn’t intend to mention that you were challenging someone :-). But a wonderful thing happened at the end of your clarity. What you stated has made it to the list (as #13). Quickly go and take a look :-).

    ———————————————————————————————————————
    Read Me:
    Below are certain tips, pointers, guidelines for someone looking for a life partner/soulmate.
    These are cumulatively added as and how the above conversations are made.
    Not all of them may be applicable to every single person looking for love, so one of them may be contrary to another too, or a multiple combination of them may be working for you.
    Pick what resonates with your soul the most, as that is what is required to you at this time. Keep applying, keep sharing.
    Love, Light & Best Wishes in finding the love of your life!

    I also invite both kinds of people, who are looking for love/or have already found, to feel free to directly add your own points at the end of the list, and keep the innumerable ways to find love growing.

    1. It may happen somehow when you are least expecting it.
    Keep your heart and mind open to the experience but have clarity over time about what a good partner would mean.

    2. Some wait it out. It’s different for everyone.

    3. Lessons for Love – “Each failed love story is an important lesson about oneself.”

    4. Seeking love doesn’t mean we aren’t complete in ourself. It’s just that we are human and it’s a very basic need to feel connected deeply to someone.

    5. Accept your Life as it is right now and be clear what are you looking for in your Soulmate. Start enjoying your life Right NOW and stop waiting

    6. Connect with yourself through means like Meditation

    7. Setting up a goal like finding love is what keeps us from finding it.

    8a. Stop looking for it where it is not (in that abusive relationship, in that unloving person)

    8b. Get curious about that person looking back at you in the mirror, learn more about who you are. How it all started for you (those Formative Years), how you became who you are.

    8c. With #8b worked on over time, you can SEE who a potential love partner is: loving? – proceed. Not loving- go to #8a.

    10. To find love, know thyself.

    11. Love/Life always pushes upward to the light. Though it is painful it is still love.

    12. For certain people, in certain circumstances, below may also hold true, so you need not worry if you are not able to find love for no reason at all –
    There is NOTHING wrong with you or your situation. Love will come, and you deserve it, there is no fixing you have to do, you are not enough is ridiculous. It just hasn’t arrived yet for whatever reason.

    13. Be the person you wish to seek.

    Best Wishes,
    VJ

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