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Husband is done

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #304043

    Angele
    Participant

    husband hires a 23 year old receptionist, drives 13 hours in vehicle to Dallas. Wife is beyond anxious about the situation, freaks out, and ask husband the husband directly, if he is cheating, and he loses, and because she does not trust him, he told her straight. I cannot be with you anymore? He said he will be by her side whilst she gets help. But he will not be with her. She is obviously having mental health issue, loves this man, and has said she has married forever. She is blaming herself for all the horrible things she yelled at him, and has come to the realization that it’s over?

    please help me understand why a man would do this to her

    help, please give me your thoughts, obviously there is more to the story

    he shares very little conversation about his business, accuses her of demanding a new car, which basically is not even in her nature, does not like to visit her family, and creates an argument before, so it is strained etc.

    #304049

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Angele:

    I am trying to understand: you found out that your husband drove 13 hours to Dallas so to spend time with his 23 year old receptionist, freaked out, told him he is cheating, that you  don’t trust him, yelled at him and he told you that the marriage is over and that he will stay with you just until you get help and are no longer freaked out, and then he will leave  you. You love him, you blame yourself and want to stay married to  him.

    Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    #304051

    Mark
    Participant

    Angele,

    I assume that the wife is you in this?

    You are asking why he would do this to you.  You and everyone else here can give a dozen different reasons but ultimately it does not matter.  What matters is knowing that your marriage is over.  The sooner you come to grips around this, the better off you will be.

    Kick him out of the house, change the locks, get legal help and therapy for yourself to deal with this betrayal and dissolution of the marriage.  Only communicate with him through your lawyer.

    Mark

    #304069

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Angele,

    The question isn’t whether he is done with the marriage. The question is whether she is done with the marriage.

    My dad had bought a house in Texas that my mom didn’t know about. She served him divorce papers after she found out. He was stunned. Infuriated. Confused. In his mind, if she never brought it up, he would have had his wife and family in one part of the country and his mistress (in Texas, if it makes you feel any better) in another (“for business” if she never found out). The “problem” was that SHE brought it up and SHE made the decision!

    In your case, he only told her he was done AFTER she said something.

    I think she should get her power back and get him served.

    Best,

    Inky

    P.S. The 23 year old from Dallas will dump him for a wealthier guy.

    #304097

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Angele,

    Have you ever heard the saying “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence”.  The husband wanted “out” of his marriage even if it was just for the time it takes to spend on an affair.  It sounds as if there were already problems in this marriage that were not being worked on –  poor communication skills, financial pressures, family differences, trust issues and so on.

    It must be disappointing for the person who “got married forever”.  It sounds as if she needs to accept that it is over and begin to make small inroads into creating a new life for herself.  There is also no point in blaming herself for things she said in the heat of the moment.  This is not the deciding factor in the end of this marriage.  It’s everything that went before and that, Angele, takes two.

    How noble of him to be by her side whilst she gets help.  I wonder who is going to be by his side while he gets help, which he clearly needs?  It is just possible that “her” mental health issues will disappear when they are no longer together.

    Anyway, you know the situation better than me – reclaiming the power and getting divorce papers served is the best way forward, or so it seems, as both Mark and Inky have said.

    Peggy

    #304111

    Angele
    Participant

    No, the wife was aware, that he was going to a business show, but husband then took the new employee with, to the shiw

    #304113

    Angele
    Participant

    Thank you for your insight Peggy, I just need some other perspectives, to this issue, and you have given them to me, no, I am not the wife, I. Fact I am the mother, And I don’t want to give advise from an angry, disappointed or upset mom, I first want to get other perspectives of what she is dealing with. Thank you

    #304115

    Angele
    Participant

    Thank you for that Mark

    #304123

    Mark
    Participant

    Angele,

    You said you are the mother?  The mother of the wife?

    I would think that it is difficult to do much of anything since you are dealing with an adult daughter who has mental health issues, and self blaming.  I sincerely doubt you won’t be help her.  My guess is that she is unwilling to view this objectively and take action to help herself.

    Mark

    #304159

    Chloe Rose
    Participant

    I hope the wife knows that her husband’s behaviors are more about his issues then hers. If he wasn’t having his own issues he would have been able to address the issues in the relationship instead of trying to have a wife and a secret girlfriend. I can’t necessarily speak about his perspective but I can share mine. I am someone who has struggled with the temptation to look outside of my marriage for validation. I am also married to an absolutely amazing man who did nothing to deserve me looking elsewhere. Lots of therapy and reflection have shown that it has to do with my underlying belief that eventually my husband will leave me because I am horrible and I will be left incomplete without a man. Sounds silly when I say it out loud but unconscious beliefs aren’t always rational. Furthermore I hope that she is able to work with someone, such as a therapist, to process everything she is feeling, thinking, and going through. Give her my best.

    #304161

    Chloe Rose
    Participant

    And it’s probably a lot easier for the husband to blame the wife than it is for him to take an honest look at what’s going on for him…

    #304293

    T
    Participant

    I normally do not post or join forums, but this hits close to home.

    I found out my husband was cheating on me with proof.  He straight out lied and then blamed me for it all.  I let him stay while we found out if the “person’s” child was his.  It took 10 months of seeing him daily.  I thought we could work it out, but he chose at every turn to disrespect me.  We went to therapy and the therapist all but took his side.  Found another one and he lied to that one.  When all was said an done; I finally kicked him out.  My son has been a victim of this selfish act.  I had given my ex many outs over the years so it would not come to this and it did anyway.  I gave up my dream job to raise our son (yes, my choice) and then had to figure out a way to make a living.  My ex used his own mother as an excuse and put us close to financial ruin because of his choice.  Thankfully, a dear friend gave me money to pay for the divorce and he agreed to everything.  Five years later, I am still wondering why he chose his path.

    It is a hard emotional road for this wife.  It is hard to accept when you truly loved your spouse and then this happens.  Be there for her.  She will need to vent, cry, etc.  Therapy helps. When spouses do this instead of being open – they are cowards (IMHO).  Her sadness may turn to anger and that is okay.  I have friends who went through this as well and 15 and 20 years later the exes were still trying to draw blood.

    I hope it helps to know that she is not alone.  I am still working on getting through it and I was truly devastated when I found out.

    I wish her well.

    #304315

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Angele,

    I’m glad I was able to give you some kind of perspective on your daughter’s situation.  Unfortunately, it is an all too familiar story.  I hope your daughter will be able to proceed in a matter of fact way and deal with her divorce in the shortest time possible.  Aside from this, she will need to go through a grieving process for the ‘loss’ she has suffered and you may need to be the shoulder she cries on.  Stay as calm as you can – not easy when your children are upset – and give her the time she needs to mentally and emotionally adapt to the ending of her marriage before she moves on to the next chapter in her life.

    Wishing you both well.

    Peggy

    #304403

    Angele
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective Chloe, fortunately, my daughter has decided to see a couselor, who I believe has also suggested, to her that she consider moving on, as it seems, he is not willing to deal with the situation rationally. She spent two hours there, and then went home to sleep due to exhaustion. I am hovering in the background, simply because, I know the minute I get involved, she may feel she needs to prove me wrong?

    She feels the problem with the relationship, is that he has found her faults, and that her yelling and screaming is not acceptable, and that she has hurt him by doing this and she needs to own up to that? The reason he is hurting is because he sees how much she hates herself, and this is projecting her hate on him?

    When she booked her appointment he said he would go with her and support her. Mmmm… Saturday, he left to go visit his friend?

    She told me that she is going to make every effort to salvage her six year relationship, as they both love each other deeply? And that I should not worry as she has got it sorted out.

    today I received a text message “I am getting to breaking point don’t worry, I am going to stay at a friends tomorrow night, . Pack a few things tonight.

    i am just hoping she figures this out, before he takes her to the cleaners. I believe he has already started hiding all the assets.

    it always boils down to finance, very sad

    #304405

    Angele
    Participant

    Thank you Peggy

    it is very tough sitting on the side line watching it all unravel, of course I have seen the red flags for quite some time

    kindest

     

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