Dear Anita:

you made my day- again. I cannot believe you saved it.  I will come back when things go down . I am taking a quick break from school and I’ll be back at it in half an hour. I’m hoping to have a shower a bit later. Thank you anita (I know it’s the second time this week but I needed to say it)
have a great evening.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Anita:

i’m not gonna blow this out of proportion or I’m gonna try not to. You know how I’m working at the summer camp with K not this weekend but next weekend? They want me to bring my dog. my Bernese mountain dog- I don’t know why but this triggered some anxiety in me. It’s been interesting to observe it- because it’s almost like an OCD response. As soon as I heard that my OCD kind of flared up and my anxiety at the same time. My first thought was what if my dog isn’t well trained enough? My second thought was well I need to finish my studies faster so I can work with my dog to make sure he’s perfect for the trip. i’ve also been working on a few gifts for some of the other staff there and I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to finish them in time. I also found out I’m gonna be working with three other people that week that I’ve never met before and my heart racing is thinking about that. I also didn’t plan to get enough gifts for these other people.

I don’t know why but having my dog there is causing anxiety – ‘Cause it’s almost like- I can’t control him he’s his own being which I respect and acknowledge I don’t ‘own him’ he’s my partner and we work as a team but it’s almost like he’s a direct reflection of me and my skills as a dog trainer. I’m quite a gentle person I like to say in my training and my dog is very comfortable with that.

My dog- he’s very well trained. But sometimes when I’m around other people I tend to be a little bit of a social Chamaeleon because I just want people to like me. I’m just so nervous that on this trip- i’m going to expect perfect behavior from him and he’s going to be stressed out and I’m not gonna be as kind and compassionate towards my dog as I usually am.

I used to work with dog trainers with him- he’s extremely intelligent and talented. He knows a lot of tricks. Some of these trainers were a little more aggressive than me and one time a dog trainer beat my dog down and I didn’t say anything- it’s something I have been able to forgive myself for- but I promised myself I’ll always be his friend and to be there for him. I was 13 then- my dog was just one years old. I also have in the past when working with other dog people- I used to do lots of public events with my berner- have adapted to their training style and completely left mine behind in order to impress them and I don’t wanna do that.

And a lot of the other people working there except for K- who is a year younger than me- Are going to be several several years older than me. I’ve never brought my dog to this camp/work before so what if I mess up on the rules or something? This information hasn’t ruined my day, it’s just something that’s on my mind and I don’t know why but I’m a little more nervous for it than I am excited to go now. In previous years when I work it’s taking a lot of emotional energy for me to be pleasing people all the time I guess and I’m not really sure how to do it any other way- does that make sense? I I just feel like if I’m not consciously trying to impress them or be overly nice, overly kind, overly helpful then they won’t like me- no one will.

(last I worked at this camp one of the campers dropped their phone on a walk. We took a bus to get to the walking trail the first time. I walked 30 km in steel toe rubber boots to get this person‘s phone. Even though there was an option to drive. I walked and got heat stroke- and I didn’t tell anyone so I was throwing up in the bathroom by myself because I figured if I was sick I wasn’t helpful if I wasn’t helpful no one liked me.)

right now I’m doing pretty well managing my triggers on a small basis- but I’m just scared I’m gonna do something completely not me and completely betray myself in order to impress these people. This wasn’t a problem before because if I did betray myself it only would affect me. but now if I do it can affect my dog to who I love and care about very very much.

I just ate some very late supper- i’m happy I’m full and I’m going to do some studying to get my mind off of this sudden surge of social anxiety. i’m looking forward to my studies actually. i’m taking some deep breath‘s, and I’m really hoping that I can get some advice on this- because I really wanna enjoy my trip- but now I’m just scared. I feel like a little kid again trying to impress all her peers at school. I don’t know, i’m thinking of not going this is causing me a lot of stress even if I didn’t bring him, now I’m  stressed just thinking about the fact that I have to work with new people. i’ll be OK I’m sure I’ll figure it out but this is just how I’m feeling right now.  I hope your evening is absolutely wonderful, sending smiles and happiness to you.

sincerely, Lea

hello Anita:

Yes! It’s close to midnight. I’m just working on some things. Never mind- they came back and actually fired me. So it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m pretty upset and disappointed. They’ve been planning to have me back since December. They invited me back to do a camp with K back in December- it was actually part of my Christmas present. I was actually really excited. But they fired me. It was a place I felt really belonged- besides trying really hard to fit in- I usually had fun.  I really loved my boss- who was really cool.  I was going to be there with K working with children who have mental health issues and it was going to be great. But I knew it was too good to be true. My mom is trying to plan me a ‘consolation trip’ for the same weekend with my dad to go somewhere with my dogs but I’m almost dreading this consolation trip now. Ugh. I got to sludge through some work now. Sleep well anita.

sincerely, Lea

Dear Lea:

You were fired,,? Well, I understand your disappointment, Lea. Don’t let this drag you down too low. Focus on your studies, good thing you’ll have an extra weekend to study! But sorry, Lea, I know you were really looking forward to spend time with K. I will be back with you in the morning.

anita

I feel ridiculous for being so excited.
that’s all for today.
sincerely, Lea

Hello Anita:

despite the fact my deadline is next Tuesday I’m almost done my school- yay! Just a few more 8 hour days and I’m finished. I’m writing my final exams early next week. So I’ll be done by the time the consolation trip is set to occur.

I still really don’t want to go. I feel ridiculous. going on a trip with my dad when I was supposed to go have fun with my ‘friends’ Part of the reason I was so excited to go was to see some people I hadn’t seen in a while and maybe build some social connections with them again. ie: ‘reconnect with K’ I was also hoping to go work there in the summer maybe make new friends too but I can’t anymore.

the consolation trip itself is to my dream national park (I’ve always wanted to go) with my dogs. But even then I still don’t want to go. Since I won’t be working at all this summer away from home I’m thinking of taking summer school or something. (My field biology job is fairly close just a few hours away- if I was to work at the camp they would let me take my time off to work there)

there were new COVID restrictions put in my area here. To the point where I can’t go anywhere except for work. Hurrah. I don’t care- I don’t know where I’d go anyway. But I’m definitely not looking forward to my summer as much as before.

one thing I forgot to mention was- I wasn’t being paid. When I worked with the camp full time, I was paid. Part time or short term workers are more like volunteers. So I was working for free and they replaced me with someone who they are now paying a salary to.

not to mention the fact that my replacement is someone who hurt me. (Ex best friend) That’s even worse. But what can you do? I have a lot of studying to do today so I’m gonna burry this all and try not to think about this dumb consolation trip.
i appreciate you listening Anita

sincerely, Lea

Dear Lea:

Congrats for getting so close to finishing your school work!

“Since I won’t be working at all this summer away from home, I’m thinking of taking summer school or something” – see, this is what I mean by you being resourceful and turning your mental health around: resourceful, mentally healthy people don’t focus on and wallow in failed plans; they move on and make new plans!

Mailing the gifts and cookies you made is such a nice idea, “Maybe they will make someone’s day. That would make me happy if I could make someone smile” – these are the words congruent with a resourceful, mentally healthy person!

anita

Dear Lea:

And your posts mean so much to me! Why not go on the consolation trip then.. it will be a good experience, I imagine, IF your parents behave themselves, not interrupting the national park serenity with yelling or any such misbehavior!

A campground in the mountains overlooking a big lake having plenty of gluten free snacks reads lovely to me, and pizza, I love pizza (but then, everyone loves pizza, right?)

anita