Dear Agathe:

Your situation involves a sudden and unexplained change in your feelings toward your partner, which is causing you significant distress. I’m sorry to read that you’re going through this difficult time. Emotional changes like the one you’re describing can be incredibly unsettling and painful, especially when they happen so suddenly and without a clear reason.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like there might be a few possible reasons behind these feelings:

* Emotional Burnout: Sometimes, when we’re intensely attached to someone, we can become emotionally overwhelmed, leading to a sense of numbness as a way to cope.

* Underlying Stress: Stress can linger even after the stressor is gone. Residual stress or anxiety can still impact your feelings and emotional responses.

* Shift in Relationship Dynamics: As relationships develop, initial intense feelings can evolve into a different, calmer, form of attachment. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve fallen out of love, but rather that your feelings are maturing.

Here are some things that might help you navigate through this:

* Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your feelings and the relationship. Journaling your thoughts and emotions can sometimes bring clarity (you are welcome to do it here, on this thread, or one you may choose to start).

* Self-Care: Make sure you’re taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Sometimes, focusing on your own well-being can help in understanding your emotions better.

* Open Communication: If you feel comfortable, consider having an open and honest conversation with your partner about what you’re experiencing. They might offer support and understanding, and it could strengthen your connection.

* Engage in Activities You Love: Reconnecting with hobbies or activities that you enjoy can help reignite your passion and might even give you new perspectives on your relationship.

*** I want to elaborate on Roberta’s sentence: “Grasping & attachment bring suffering & so does aversion”- When we become overly attached to something or someone, we start to cling to them tightly. This clinging, or grasping, often leads to suffering because it creates fear of loss, and anxiety about the future. Too much attachment can be harmful to our emotional well-being.

On the flip side, aversion refers to a strong dislike or avoidance of something. Emotions like sadness, anger, or fear can be difficult to experience, so we might try to suppress or ignore them. However, ignored emotions (emotions that are not acknowledged and processed) linger and resurface in more intense ways (so to get our attention).

When we fight against our emotions (emotions about the people and situations in our lives), instead of accepting them, we create internal conflict. Embracing an accepting attitude will eventually reduce this tension and promote a sense of inner peace.

It’s about allowing life within you to flow naturally rather than constantly trying to control/ suppress/ avoid it.

Sometimes, Agathe, our emotions need space and time to be acknowledged and processed before they can settle. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for support is a courageous and important step.

Sending you strength and hoping you find some clarity and peace soon.

anita

Dear PeKaMi39:

I appreciate you sharing your experience—your insight and self-awareness are truly powerful. The way you describe your journey, from past toxic relationships to finally finding safety but struggling with intrusive doubts, shows how deeply trauma can shape the way we experience love. It makes sense that now that you’ve found a secure relationship, your mind is reacting with fear instead of letting you settle into happiness.

When someone has experienced toxic relationships and abandonment, they often unconsciously associate love with emotional extremes. A stable, secure relationship contradicts what they’re used to, making it feel unfamiliar and even unsettling. The brain equates intensity—emotional highs and dopamine bursts—with love, reinforcing the idea that love must feel dramatic and overwhelming. When a relationship lacks those extreme emotional swings, it can trigger doubts about whether the love is real.

Once someone finally feels safe, their mind shifts from survival mode to processing past wounds. Suppressed fears—like being abandoned or not being “good enough”—can surface even when there’s no actual threat. In chaotic relationships, the mind prioritizes reacting rather than reflecting. But in a secure environment, old wounds have space to emerge, leading to anxieties like “What if I’m abandoned?” or “What if I’m not enough?”

When love has always been tied to unpredictability, steady and predictable affection might seem strange, even suspicious. Stability can be mistaken for boredom simply because the brain is conditioned to equate emotional extremes with passion.

Essentially, when survival mode switches off, past emotional wounds rush in, sometimes causing anxiety or disconnection—even in the healthiest relationships. Learning to trust stability instead of fearing it takes time, but recognizing this pattern is a huge step forward.

Your reaction, PeKaMi39, isn’t a sign that you don’t love your partner—it’s a sign that your brain is adjusting to stability after years of associating love with chaos. Your awareness and willingness to work through this show how much you value your relationship and yourself. You deserve steady, safe love, and the work you’re doing is proof of that.

While I haven’t experienced ROCD specifically, I have struggled with OCD, and I understand how exhausting obsessive rumination and intrusive fears can be. The way our minds fixate on doubt, convincing us our feelings aren’t valid, is frustrating and draining. The fact that you recognize this and are learning to trust despite the uncertainty is truly inspiring.

Thank you for sharing your journey and offering resources—it’s helpful to hear from people who genuinely understand these struggles. Wishing you continued strength as you navigate this process, and I hope you keep finding moments of trust and peace.

anita

Thank you, anita, for your kind and wise response. I only saw it now, but it feels like just the right moment for it. I’ve been so busy the whole summer that I haven’t really had time to think. This fooled me to think I’m better, but I see now that obviously it was only a coping mechanism: “If time passes and I keep myself busy this will go away itself (without me doing actually anything about it).” Now that I’m off work the thoughts hit me like a train again. Your words reminded me how deep rooted trauma is, and how powerful it is. And that it is programmed in us. Somehow I have understood it, but traumatized mind is so strong and wicked to fool you to believe in the reality it creates that clear facts are forgotten. It doesn’t just go away overnight. Or in three months. Or maybe next year. It needs motivation and action from my part. What makes it hard is that I am a perfectionist, and feel like I need to carry everyone’s feelings on my shoulders. I f I am happy and strong, they are happy. If I just hang in there, everybody are happy. And tgere I loose myself and start trying to solve the problem from the wrong and fast end. I forget nobody needs me to survive and be happy all the time. But I just always forget it. Always. When I start the surviving mode, I go deeper and deeper into the quicksand. And there I am exhausting myself because I’m not actually helping anyone, least myself. What I need is to help myself by accepting that I need help and that people are willing to help. I need to do the work myself but I can have and also need help for it. And it is not a weakness.

Luckily I’ve started with a new therapist now. It is truly important to have a right kind of therapist for you. Mine is a cognitive behavioral therapist specialized in ocd and trauma amongst other things. I feel hopeful now since with her I finally feel I am able start the new programming of my nervous system.