Hey Confused:

“I genuinely have no clue what loving myself means”- When a child grows up without love, the child figures he’s not worthy of what he needs so desperately.

You shared earlier: “The relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat”- The affection in-between felt awkward.. meaning you didn’t trust it to last, did you?

If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a calm, peaceful, and stable environment; if instead of chaos, you knew predictability, instead of violence- safety, instead of constant arguing- healthy communication, then you would have mirrored the love you’d had receive and naturally (without necessarily thinking it) you would have loved yourself.

You shared earlier in regard to your romantic interest: “What I’m feeling when we talk is like I’m talking to a stranger, feeling cold and apathetic. Like my mind erased her in a way, or she has done something bad to me”- It may be that you projected the mental image of your mother into her (without realizing it) and re-experienced seeing your mother as a stranger.

“I can’t recall loving myself, ever.”- If you close your eyes, give yourself a hug and say to yourself “I love you”, how does it feel?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused: I’ll reply in a few hors.