Hello anita!

I literally feel like i’ve never done that in the past so it’s foreign language to me.

Yes, i didn’t trust anything good to last, always expected things to go south at some point.

Well, how do we do that since we haven’t been taught when we were kids? I think that’s a big issue for me.

Yeah, i feel like that because my mind severed the connection, and her behaviour (colder-less affectionate, which is kinda justified) doesn’t help bridge the gap at all. I thought of that possibility, but how can we know if such thing happened? I can’t fathom this concept. It feels like i can’t feel any warmth towards any connection right now (not even friends-family).

If i do that, it feels strange/cringe and fake in a way. Like myself doesn’t believe me, it feels like something uknown to me.

Hello Confused:

“Well, how do we do that since we haven’t been taught when we were kids? I think that’s a big issue for me.”-

It’s difficult to love a person you don’t like, isn’t it? On the other hand, it may be easy to love someone you like.

My mother’s words and behaviors sent me the message that she didn’t like me, that she was far from approving of me. For as long as I gave her the authority to determine my (non) worth, I neither liked nor loved myself.

Does this resonate with you?

“If I do that (hugging yourself), it feels strange/cringe and fake in a way. Like myself doesn’t believe me, it feels like something unknown to me.”- Are you willing to make it KNOWN for yourself, to take that leap of faith yourself.. or are you waiting for someone else (such as a romantic interest) to make that leap for you?

🤍 Anita

Hello again and again.. Confused 😊:

“How do you make it known to yourself?”- By knowing I didn’t deserve my mother’s abuse/ non-love. That she didn’t even SEE me, let alone, evaluate me. Her judgment is peeled off of me, and what’s left is a good little girl dormant for half a century.

“I never thought to give my mother’s words importance”- that must have been after her words were already absorbed, taking hold.. Maybe later when you were a teenager, you rebelled, fought back. But the young boy you were, like any child, just absorbs, no defenses.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

Congratulations for developing some calmer, deep convos with her lately!

“But can u feel that consciously?”- if you don’t force yourself to feel anything you don’t feel, feelings will settle within you at their own timing.

Also, chronic shame and/ or guilt keep loving feelings out. Chronic shame and guilt need to be resolved so that you can feel ongoing affection, compassion or love for others.. as well as for yourself.

Feeling affection or compassion for myself is still new to me. I didn’t know it was possible to feel affection for myself until I did.

You asked about IFS (Internal Family Systems). According to IFS, chronic shame is almost always carried by an Exile (Exiles= the hurt or vulnerable parts carrying old pain) — a young, hurt part of you that once felt: ‘I’m bad.’, ‘I’m unlovable.’, ‘Something is wrong with me.’, ‘I’m not enough.’

IFS says: Shame is not who you are — it’s a young part of you carrying a burden that never belonged to it, and that healing happens when the Self (your calm, compassionate core) meets that part with understanding instead of fear or avoidance.

Chronic guilt is usually carried by a Protector part, (Protectors= the parts that try to keep you safe- perfectionist, controller, avoider, etc.)

This part believes: ‘If I keep you feeling guilty, you won’t hurt anyone.’, ‘If I punish you, you’ll stay good.’, ‘If I remind you of mistakes, you’ll never repeat them.’. It’s trying to keep you moral, safe, and connected, but it uses guilt as its tool.

IFS sees chronic guilt as: a protective strategy, a part trying to prevent harm, a protective strategy that formed when you needed it.

In IFS, emotional dissociation or ‘losing feelings’ is almost always a Protector part. Dissociation = a protector doing its job.
When a person feels overwhelmed, hurt, rejected, or unsafe, a part steps in and says: ‘This is too much. I’ll shut down the feelings so you don’t get hurt again.’ It’s trying to protect you from emotional pain.

IFS calls this kind of protector a ‘numbing protector’ or ‘disconnecting protector’.

It usually appears when: feelings are too intense, you aren’t supported emotionally, expressing emotions isn’t safe, or when you have to ‘function’ despite trauma or stress

So the protector says: ‘If I turn off the feelings, you can survive.’

Underneath dissociation, there is almost always an Exile carrying: shame, fear, grief, loneliness, rejection, and/ or emotional overwhelm.

IFS’s core message about dissociation: It’s not a flaw. It’s not who you are. It’s a part doing its best to keep you safe.

And when the Self approaches it with curiosity and compassion, it often softens — because it finally feels understood instead of judged.

Curiosity and Compassion, Confused (hmm… CCC)

🤍 Anita

Hello Confused!

Not feeling the need to run, not feeling suffocated.. that’s excellent. Be patient with the process. Don’t force yourself to feel anything.

“I think I’ve never felt like I’m not deserving of love, just generally lacking the idea behind it”- lacking the idea of deserving love? So.. not thinking you don’t deserve love, but never thinking you do deserve it?

I didn’t go through a strict IFS therapy, only elements of it.

Take your time, watch videos.. Let me know what it means to you..

🤍 Anita

Hey, Confused:

“I’ve only known how to be strong and be there for other”- if you let others be there for you, if you depend on another.. is it strength or weakness?

Anita

Hey Confused becoming Clearer:

“like I’m gonna owe them, or now they have ‘control’ over me in a way”- I think this is worth exploring.

This Power Struggle.. it’s origin, with your mother?

Anita