Hello anita
Yesterday i came clean to her about everything in my mind. My shutdown, my possible avoidant attachment, my depression and nothingness, i told her how much she meant/means to me and how she made me feel. She was kinda astounded and we both agreed on taking some time to see if we want to continue and how we are feeling.

Immediately after confessing everything to her i went even more numb and flat, felt like i cant care if she leaves or stays. I told her that i now gave you the power to “hurt” me and its something ive never done in my life, sharing the darkest parts of me.
My feelings of depression and apathy/anhedonia are still here ofc, i still dont wanna do anything.
I am really worried i pushed a great person away and i am gonna deeply regret it later.

.. Hey Confused (3 hours later):

This thread started on Aug 26, 2015 (three months after I started participating in the tiny buddha forums), the most active thread in the history of these forums, with dozens and dozens of participants for longer than a decade.

My first post on this thread was on that same day, I posted to the original poster (Jaz, whose screen name was different at the time): “Dear nospeaknewspeak: You fell out of love with this guy for no apparent reason but there is a reason, could very well be FEAR. The day before you daydreamed about getting engaged to him and the next day you got scared. Get in touch with your fear, get to know it, maybe share it with him, and you can move beyond it and back to that loving feeling- or even a stronger loving feeling..”

No response from No speak New Speak (Jaz), and no activity in the thread for more than 5 months.

On Feb 12, 2016, Durga posted and I replied to her on the same day: “Dear Durga: Maybe you dissociated. Maybe you got real scared and you froze as a result. The three responses to fear in nature is Flight (run away), Fight or Freeze. If an animal cannot run away and has no chance to win fighting, it freezes, stops feeling anything at all…”

No response from Durga and no activity in the thread for more than 6 months.

Guy posted on Sept 9, 2017. For some reason I did not respond, but Ben responded on Sept 27, 2017:

“Everyone in this thread is describing something called ‘avoidant attachment’. Here’s why it’s happening. When we are babies (and children) our relationship to our parents is a matter of survival. If our parents are well attuned to our needs, we grow up to have security and confidence with intimacy in our adult relationships. Once we attach to someone, we stay attached. This is called having a “secure attachment style”.

“However, if our parents don’t meet our needs, are distant, or abusive, or in some other way not attuned.. not getting our needs met literally TRAUMATIZES us. Our amygdala, which is the primitive fight or flight part of the brain, thinks we are going to die, and the memory of that feeling is stored there forever to prevent any future such catastrophes. This is called an ‘insecure attachment style’, of which there are two categories: Anxious (the fight response) and avoidant (the flight response).

“So how does insecure attachment play out in adulthood? Well, as grownups when we attach to a romantic partner things will, at first, seem good. This is because oxytocin in the brain (the trust and empathy hormone) is silencing our amygdala.

“However, once this honeymoon period wears off the amygdala comes back online… If you are anxiously attached this will cause you to assertively or even desperately pursue your partner to maintain the connection, for fear that they will abandon or hurt you.

“If, on the other hand, you are avoidantly attached, which all of you seem to be, the amygdala will attempt to sever your connection to your partner so as to make an escape. The sense of disconnect, loss of attraction, and maybe even strong irritation you are suddenly feeling for your partner is a survival mechanism. Your amygdala thinks attaching to a person is dangerous to your very life, and it is telling you to RUN…

“If you work hard at it, attachment styles can change, but you have to take action. If the relationship is good, and it almost certainly is from what you’re all saying, stay in it. Let your partner soothe your fears if they can. Be honest and brave and vulnerable with them about your problem and what is causing it… Get therapy with someone who’s an expert in attachment disorders… It’s a process. It takes time… See a therapist and talk about your childhood. Work on addressing the underlying trauma, and work on strategies that will help you become more secure. Don’t delay. Good luck.”-

WOW, an excellent post by Ben (the above was his one and only post in the tiny buddha forums).

No activity on the thread for more than 7 months.

Fast forward to July 18, 2022, Sage posted: “People with OCD often experience intrusive thoughts (which become ‘obsessions’) and cope with these thoughts through rituals (compulsions). Not all people with OCD have visible compulsions—some people have what’s known as ‘pure-o,’ where their compulsions are instead mental.

“One form of OCD (which I believe is known as rOCD) is characterized by an obsessive worry about whether one is with the wrong romantic partner… You can learn more about OCD, and specifically rOCD online (just look it up). Some people find talking to a therapist helpful (specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, can help), I think for others, just knowing ‘this is my brain spiraling, not my love failing’ can be enough. There’s also a workbook my therapist recommended called ‘Talking Back to OCD’ that allows the reader to go through CBT on their own. Hope this helps!”

Fast forward to February 5-14, 2024, I posted to a member, Ssleeping (whose boyfriend was depressed and lost feelings for her): “… It is very common for children who grew up abused and abandoned (this has been true in my case for many years) to associate love with hurt, and therefore we fear being trapped in this combo of love and hurt, and we want OUT…

“Once in his mind, the idea and fear of being trapped with you (by moving to a house together and cementing the relationship further) was cemented, it’s hard to dissolve this cement… This is so because fear is stronger and more urgent than any other emotion… Quality therapy will be great for him and for you (separately and/ or together…) …

“The way I understand depression is that when a person is too anxious for too long, the anxiety (a negative excitable emotional state), turns into depression (a negative but calmer emotional state) because the brain/ body can’t endure excitability for too long…”

Fast forward to April 16, 2024, from my post to Bell: “… Part of you (the anxious attachment part) is so afraid to be left alone in the future, anticipating how terrible it will be. Another part (the avoidant attachment part) is trying to put an end to the anxious anticipation of being left alone… by bringing the feared future to the present, making the breakup happen already, so you are not afraid anymore… I am guessing that growing up, you too (like me) were left terribly alone, maybe physically, maybe emotionally, being ignored, being no one’s priority?”

Fast forward to July 19, 2024, this is part of my post to Harry: “Most of your recent two posts are about your relationship with Au, and only two sentences are about your childhood. The solution to your current problems is in no longer brushing off your childhood…

“From explore psychology. com/ anxious avoidant attachment style: ‘Researchers suggest that… Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to developing this attachment style… For example, a child may have a caregiver who is sometimes loving and nurturing but at other times cold, distant, or critical. The child may develop a fear of rejection or abandonment, which can lead to a preoccupation with forming relationships and an avoidance of intimacy to protect themselves from emotional pain… Individuals with this attachment style… often sabotaging relationships when they begin to feel too close…

“’The first step in building healthier relationships is to identify your attachment style. Once you understand your attachment style, you can work on developing more secure attachment patterns. In therapy, individuals with anxious avoidant attachment style can work with a therapist to identify and understand their attachment patterns. This can involve exploring past relationships and childhood experiences to gain insight into how attachment styles develop…

“‘Healing from anxious avoidant attachment is a process that requires both self-reflection and a willingness to change… It’s important to recognize that change won’t happen overnight and that it’s a journey that requires patience and self-compassion.’”

Fast forward to Nov 4, 2024, from my post to Martyna: “It is natural, when a person gets too fearful, to emotionally detach oneself from one’s emotions… Maybe (a parent whom you loved) returned your love with rejection, anger, betrayal of some sort?… Please don’t blame yourself for how you feel. It is not your fault that you feel what you feel, or that you don’t feel what you don’t feel. What you feel is not a matter of choice…”

Confused, you first posted on Dec 19, 2025 (page 13). You wrote back then: “I have started therapy with someone that specializes in ocd/depression/relationships, but I can’t feel any difference. Maybe it’s too soon.”- did you attend more sessions? Any progress at all? And what happened during the session or sessions you attended?

“The relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat.”- I wonder if this was brought up in therapy and I wonder if sharing about it more, here in this thread, may be helpful to you.

* From the above quote from Explore Psychology, in regard to anxious avoidant attachment style: “Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving can lead to developing this attachment style… For example, a child may have a caregiver who is sometimes loving and nurturing but at other times cold, distant, or critical. The child may develop a fear of rejection or abandonment”- This sounds very fitting to you, doesn’t it, Confused?

“She asked me if I would be able to live in another country, leave my friends and family behind” (Dec 20)-

I am guessing this is what triggered your fear and resulting dissociation and depression: the idea of leaving the familiarity of your life?

And perhaps the idea that scared you more was the change from LD relationship with a woman you have never met in real-life ===> to a real-life relationship. Perhaps you felt safe was the context of long-distance?

In the whole relationship, you spent only parts of 3 days with her, and during those 3 days you doubted the connection with her: “I liked her in person and my body responded very well to us kissing and cuddling (even tho my mind was constantly doubting everything)”, Dec 21-

Which makes me think that safety had been in the in physical/ geographical distance from her, and the threat has been in real-life closeness with her (being afraid that she will turn out to be like your mother)?

Your thoughts, Confused?

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

Can you tell me about previous relationships?

Were they close proximity, distance-wise, did you meet with previous girlfriends on a regular basis, and would you say your attachment in past relationships was secure?

🤍 Anita

Hmm.. so, when you said in the post before last, “it has never affected me in previous relationships”, 🤔, what did you mean by “it”?

Infatuation on her part, you mean?

Oh, I get it, you never got “this response”, meaning the loss of feelings.

Well, I figure you were anxious in all previous relationships, like you said,

But this time, you got MORE 😟 than before, so your feelings shut down.

More anxious because of the prospect of leaving your country, what you called your “comfort zone” so to be with this one woman.

Am I making sense 🤔 to you, Confused?

🤍 🤔 Anita

In my very first post in this thread more than 10 years ago, I talked about fear 😨

And fear is really what it’s about, how we respond to fear.

It may help you to journal about it, even here, in this thread. I will journal about my related fear in a little while, hopefully to provide you with an example of what I mean

How about not trying to understand it consciously, but instead, let the unconvinced speak, which means to type out whatever comes to mind from the child’s perspective, the child that you were, that is.

I’ll do it right now, talk about the fear in early childhood (which is what this is about):

Whatever comes to the mind of the child within me;

Mommy is CRAZY, H.E.L.P !!!

Make her okay because SHE IS NOT OKAY!!!

– This is all I got for now.

Anything like that for you?

🤍 Anita