You don’t feel lovable, deserving love.. so, when you read her poem, did you think it was just a matter of time before she realizes she doesn’t really love you (because you are not.. good-enough to be loved)?

When you realized “things were getting more serious”, you felt that .. ??

No, i just thought of that because she expressed how she felt. Even though i already knew she’s into me months ago, but maybe this hit different. Or it was just the timing that i was coming off the new relationship energy?

[quote quote=454816]That you might hurt her? That you had to be careful not to hurt her?[/quote]
I didnt see that one, yes that i have to be careful now, that i hold something “fragile” in my hands.

I was afraid of breaking her heart/feelings/trust. That i would be another “bad guy” in her book, someone that lead her on and “used” her to pass his time until he got bored or something. So maybe the fragile in me is my “image” ?

Did your mother complain to you that he (the man in her life who happened to be your father) used her? Led her on? Passed his time until he got bored with her?

And you’re afraid being that kind of guy?

(just checking, maybe yes, maybe not)

Good morning, Confused:

This morning, processing some of what you shared yesterday in your many posts, I feel like I understand you better than ever.

Your first reaction to her poem was genuine appreciation, but immediately afterward, your mind flipped into: “I SHOULD feel more.”, “I’m a bad person if I don’t.”, “Now I have to be careful not to hurt her.”, “She’s really into me — now I’m responsible.”-

This is not a reaction to love; it’s a reaction to expectation, pressure, and fear of disappointing her.

“I feel responsible for other people’s emotions”- This is the biggest theme in everything you shared. You interpret friends wanting you around → burden, girlfriend expressing love → pressure, people including you → obligation

Your therapist’s observation is spot‑on: you don’t receive love as love. You receive it as demand, expectation, or dependency.

Everything you described points to a deep belief: “Love is conditional. If I don’t meet expectations, I’ll hurt people or be abandoned.” So, when someone loves you, you don’t feel joy — you feel pressure to live up to it.

When someone expresses affection, you don’t feel warmth — you feel fear of failing them. When someone depends on you, you don’t feel valued — you feel trapped. It’s a protective emotional style built from years of learning that love = responsibility.

For people who grew up feeling they had to earn love, affection can feel like a demand (to live up to it, to justify it, to work hard to maintain it), not a gift. So, instead of joy, you feel obligation, fear of failing and emotional shutdown.

You wrote: “I don’t feel excitement when receiving love or gifts”- when you grow up with conditional affection, you internalize the idea that love = pressure, and you learn to perform emotions so to keep the peace.

People (like me and you) who grew up in homes where their genuine feelings weren’t safe, welcomed, or effective, adapt by showing the emotions that would maintain harmony (emotions that will be effective) rather than the ones they truly felt. So, instead of expressing disappointment, confusion, or discomfort, they learned to smile, act grateful, or appear excited because it prevented conflict or criticism. Over time, they internalized the belief that people only accept them when they react the “right” way.

This creates a lifelong habit of managing other people’s emotions, meaning taking responsibility for how other people feel and adjusting your own behavior, reactions, or emotional expression to keep them stable, happy, or un-upset.

It’s a pattern that develops early in life in environments where other people’s (often a parent’s) moods were unpredictable, demanding, dangerous, or easily triggered. So, instead of simply having your own emotional experience, you become hyper‑attuned to what others might feel and you shape your words, tone, and reactions to prevent conflict, disappointment, or tension.

Over time, this becomes automatic: you smile when you’re uncomfortable, act excited so no one feels let down, hide your needs to avoid burdening others, or soften your opinions to keep the peace. The result is that you stop expressing your authentic emotions and instead perform the emotions that will keep the situation smooth.

Managing other people’s emotions is the internal responsibility, feeling like it’s your job to keep others calm, happy, or stable, adjusting your reactions so they don’t get upset, monitoring their mood more than your own, and believing their emotional state depends on you. It is hard work and it’s exhausting. That’s why love feels like pressure, affection feels like obligation, gifts feel like expectations, and emotional closeness feels like a burden

Managing other people’s emotions is people‑pleasing, but on a deeper level. It’s a protective strategy that once helped you feel relatively safe, but now makes relationships feel heavy, pressured, and exhausting.

In my mind, it’s no wonder you shut down emotionally.

What do you think, Confused, does this resonate?

🤍🌿 Anita