I didn’t mean that she is forcing it, it’s rather that she stays firm on her belief that all this comes mostly from childhood stuff. The other time she told me “well, is it a coincidence that you were longing for what you never saw in your parents (a love story/romance), and when u got it, u didnt know what to do with it?”

She said “well, could be that your feelings got locked there to be protected from something, what could it be?” And i couldnt think of anything other than “not losing them”, but she asked me to take time to answer it.

Talking about my childhood, my programming: I grew up with an explosive mother who showed affection in-between acts of aggression (beating me, shaming me, using words to hurt me)

Fast forward, if someone showed me consistent affection, I would have been, uncomfortable, like where’s the next aggression.. what’s wrong?

Because what we grow up becomes “normal”, and something very different- however positive- feels abnormal, like there’s something wrong.

Children normalize what they grow up with.

Hey Confused:

Hmm.. I suppose, yes, it can be very different for you. I tend to project my experience unto others, assuming others’ experiences are like mine just because we have things in common. Maybe your therapist is projecting her stuff unto you as well (it’s common to do that, something to be aware of and work on when communicating with people).

Maybe your shutdown was indeed “just emotional burnout”, like you said, and maybe just like it says in this 2015 thread, maybe you just “randomly and suddenly fell out of love”.

I mean, non- random, gradual falling out of love is not the only way.. to fall out of love 🙂

Maybe you just fell out of love and got scared, as if falling out of love is a sin or a crime.. while it’s quite natural and quite common..?

🌼Anita

Hey, Dear Confused:

I understand considering stopping the sessions with her, not finding the help you need.

I don’t know the answers to your questions. I wish I knew, and I tried.

Maybe what matters now, is that you give yourself a break, not having to figure out the why-s, and simply place yourself on your own side, be there 4 u.

Release yourself from having-2-understatand. Let her go. Say your goodbye to her..?

✨️🤍🌙 Anita

Hey anita

Yeah i dont feel like it’s helping me at all tbh..

I know and i appreciate it.

But i tried to say goodbye to her and it shatters my heart, not having her in my life and not talking to her again, it makes me sob and hurt. Feels like the wrong thing to do.

I think i woke up feeling “not well” and i realized it affected my relationship with her, then i started spiraling and obsessively checking for my feelings for her for the next 4 months (until now) because i didn’t want to lose her.So i think depression happened first.

* not “less than 3 hours ago”, but exactly 2 houre before I submitted my last message, to the minute, which the magical part of my 🧠 says is a sign that what I wrote was accurate.

But thing is, often when I write X oy Y to you (and feeling confident about it), you say it’s not so (“But… I didn’t mean it that way, etc.)

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

I meant that a lot of the times (if not every time) when I suggested possible explanations to the what-s, why-s and how-s, you rejected them. Like nothing clicked from what I said.

You say that you find it strange that no one (neither the psychiatrists you saw nor the therapist nor anyone else) suggested that you might be suffering from depression (since Nov)

I find it strange too.

Do you think you suffer from depression?

🤔😕👀😔 Anita

That’s okay, Confused. I like communicating with you anyway. I hope you find more solutions than problems as time goes by!

Wait, wait, wait.. I didn’t know you feel somewhat better in the last 1o days, I am so glad to read this. Not like your old self 🙁, but better is .. well, better 😊

(I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours).

👀 (my favorite emoji at the moment) Anita