Hey anita

i think my memories are scattered and some are buried, but most of them are definitely devoid of feelings.

Something weird happened today.We video-called for 5 hours, laughed a lot, enjoyed it very much. I was admiring her beauty and remembered how damn pretty she is. At some point i felt like i would throw up because of the strong feeling of affection i think?? (it wasn’t negative) I felt cuteness aggression over a screen, dunno how that’s possible. I wanted to kiss her through the phone badly.

She told me how she felt 2 weeks ago, she was trying to give me energy through texts even tho she wasn’t feeling it and this created pressure within her and it triggered her avoidant side. I told her that’s exactly how i felt in november-december-january. I felt pressure to give her the previous energy (which i lacked because of burnout probably), while simultaneously fearing i’ll lose her and that would make me feel pressured and also trigger my avoidance. I told her how i took it a day at a time while feeling “gut instinct” pressure and it worked..She told me that’s exactly what she does when her avoidance is triggered by closeness.
All in all it was very nice, but i still feel like something is bothering me inside and i can’t seem to find out what it is. Perhaps it’s the lack of trust in myself and my feelings and how wary i’ve become now.