Good morning, Confused:

I reread what you shared in your 2 posts before I left to the taproom yesterday, and I figure, again, that what you’re going through makes complete sense — not because something is wrong with you, but because of what you lived through growing up.

You said something very important: “I’ve never spoken to any of my parents about my feelings, they haven’t either.”- that means that as a child, you learned that emotions weren’t safe. You learned that closeness wasn’t safe. You learned that opening up wasn’t safe.

So now, when you’re in a relationship that is actually healthy and emotionally close, your system doesn’t know what to do. It’s like you’re walking into a room you were never allowed to enter as a kid.

Your mind might understand what’s happening, but your body reacts in a much older way — the way it learned when you were little.

That’s why everything feels so sudden and intense, why you feel numb, blocked, or like you can’t feel love, and why your thoughts are spinning in every direction.

This isn’t you rejecting her, or you refusing to accept the truth, or you using her.
This isn’t you being broken. This is your nervous system going into shutdown because closeness feels unfamiliar and overwhelming.

And the fact that it happened with her — someone you actually cared about — makes perfect sense. We shut down the most with the people who matter the most, because the stakes feel higher.

Nothing about what you’re experiencing is strange or shameful. Nothing about it means you’re incapable of love.

It means you’re reacting exactly the way someone would react if they grew up without emotional safety.

Your system is trying to protect you in the only way it learned how. And that can feel awful — but it’s understandable.

In your new post today, you asked: “Hmm, I think I need alone time and a break? I am not sure..”-

Confused, it makes total sense that you’re thinking about needing alone time or a break. When your system is overwhelmed or shut down, everything inside you is saying: ‘I need space to breathe.’

That’s not a sign that something is wrong with you or wrong with the relationship — it’s a sign that your nervous system is overloaded.

When someone grows up in a home where feelings weren’t talked about and emotional closeness wasn’t safe, being in a relationship that is close can feel like too much, even if you care about the person.
Your body reacts before your mind can make sense of it.

So, the feeling of needing space is understandable. It’s your system trying to calm itself, not you rejecting her or running away from the truth.

You don’t have to make any big decisions right now. You’re in a state where everything feels confusing and heavy, and that’s not the moment to decide anything.

For now, it’s okay to slow down, breathe, and give yourself a little room without turning it into a verdict about the relationship or about you.

You’re not stuck this way forever. This is a state, not your identity 🙂

🤍🌿Anita

Hey Dear Confused who is not at all a bad person:

I had to open with the above because it’s true!

As I read your recent post, a connection`was made in my mind: your mother didn’t trust you to love her (to hug her because you loved her). Fast forward, you don’t trust.. you to love this young woman (I’ll refer to her as Y, so to keep it simple)

And you don’t trust her to love you.

A mistrust in love carried from one generation to the next..?

But thing is, you do love Y, it’s clear to me. This love is like buried underground right now, so it’s still there and it comes up occasionally like laughing with her for hours and that cute-aggression which you described feeling not long ago.

Do you remember what you felt when your mother met your love with suspicion and accusation?

🤔 Anita

Do you trust your idea of love being Amazing Always?

Before Nov, you felt love for Y all the time, every day, month after month, not a single moment of doubt?

So, it was a relatively good time, May- Nov. Not perfect but pretty good, just some moments imagining breakup, and then a short time before you were to meet her for the first time ( and move closer toward moving to Cyprus so to live with her), that was when those moments of doubt became a lot?

Anita, i read this and it looked interesting to me..

Why “Too Much Love” Leads to Shutdown:
Emotional Burnout: Excessive giving without equal reciprocation leads to a total depletion of emotional resources, forcing a shutdown.
Loss of Identity: Focusing solely on a partner, sacrificing your own needs, priorities, and self-care leads to a, “toxic relationship,” and eventual emotional breakdown.
Fear and Insecurity: Intense insecurity or fear of abandonment can cause individuals to act in controlling or desperate ways, creating a stressful environment where they may eventually shut down as a defense mechanism.
Past Conditioning: Sometimes, people with a history of heartbreak “shut down” their emotions as a way to avoid getting hurt again, resulting in feeling numb or distant.
Smothering vs. Loving: True love focuses on growth, while “too much love” (often a form of, “smothering”) is frequently rooted in selfish desire for validation rather than pure care for the other person.

Signs of Shutting Down:
Emotional Numbness: Feeling disconnected or emotionally flat.
Increased Distance: Becoming distant or avoidant in relationships.
Resentment: Developing resentment towards the partner due to exhaustion.

I wonder if i did some or all of the above

And about black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking, aka binary thinking- that was MY thinking for ages, so I am no stranger to it.

How to soften the extremes..?

Well, do you see extremes in your thinking, like expecting to feel in- love every minute forever more, is that extreme thinking in your mind?