Good morning (7:46 am here, when I submit this), Good evening (5:46 pm, Greece):

Right above you described something very significant which leads me to new thinking about what’s possibly been happening:

“Gap/disconnect during (your) teens”=> “gap 🚧/ disconnect with previous girlfriends”=> Bridge 🌉/ connection with current girlfriend.

So, I am thinking that it’s the bridging/ connecting with her (much greater than with the previous) that overwhelmed you.

🚧 🌉 Anita

Hey anita, its 5:30 AM now here 🙂

I dont know its so many scenarios in my case haha
My head and thoughts keep spinning, today we’ve been texting whole day and i could confidently feel like i am choosing her despite anything and she’s great and stuff. But as soon as i arrived home, its like something flipped and my mind says “leave her, u dont want her” haha its so surreal. Therapist started giving me info on CBT and acceptance, told me to write down triggers/thoughts/feelings/actions. (compulsions)
She said my symptoms show OCD definitely.

Yeah i would never feel excitement on receiving gifts/love after 10-12 y.o.. i feel obligation, i even told my sisters not to buy me anything for my birthday.

Now i see the chocolates she gifted me and i can’t bring myself to eat them, i just look at them and have a small, fading smile 🙂

I am constantly checking my feelings to see if i like/want her or if i’d cry in the thought of losing her..

Well, before i left our last session i asked her “do u think i was right to come to you for ocd symptoms? or should i seek another therapist? I told her to be honest, she said “yes, u were not wrong for suspecting OCD”. I also remembered in the beginning of our relationship when things were the best, i would still check the situation and our convos, seek reassurance on chatgpt and google for things she would say to me.
I also read that CBT is the best for OCD themes.

It’s not weird that u too have OCD, i read on a post on reddit from a guy named antheri0n that healed his FA/rocd by himself that almost all disorganized attached individuals have OCD/ROCD because it’s a deactivation strategy. He says that when the FA deactivates, if they decide to stay in the relationship, they develop ROCD instantly most of the times. Which makes sense i think..

Its so annoying/confusing/scary at the same time, because it’s like i have two selves inside of me.

Haha u don’t like gifts either? I feel obliged or something like that, idk. I like giving but not receiving

I want to believe that but my lack of feelings is annoying 🙁

Did u manage things with CBT?

Alright anita, please inform me about this when u can 🙂

Good morning- evening, Confused 🙂

I understand it being confusing, annoying and scary- all at the same time, like having 2 selves, or being split into two parts: the one that feels love and wants to be with her, and the other part that doesn’t.

And then trying to bridge the gap between the 2 parts by relentless questioning, checking, googling, etc, that doesn’t work.

CBT works for a lot of people because there’s a strong connection between what you feel (or don’t feel) and what you think. Often people think what is not true to reality (aka distorted thinking), and CBT (the Cognitive Therapy part) is about correcting distorted thinking.

When that happens, feeling respond and the two (thinking and feelings) are no longer conflicted/ confusing.

CBT is different from psychoanalysis: Yyou don’t have to talk about your childhood (unless you want to, I guess).

Yes, I don’t like gifts.. nor do I like holidays and celebrations.

Back to CBT- it works for me because, like I said, when distorted/ untrue/ false thinking and core beliefs (example of one: ‘if I don’t feel love for her all the time, or every time I think of her, then I don’t love her/ I will hurt- disappoint her’) are corrected within your own mind, good things happen (mental health, clarity, stability).

😱=>🙂, 🥶=>😉, 👎=>👍 Anita