I LOST EVERYTHING.

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.

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May 16, 2014 at 9:29 am #56400

J.P.
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Ever since I can remember, I was the happiest and luckiest guy I knew. I was getting a good education, have a great family, great friends, so on and so forth. The only thing that I always felt like I was missing was a girl to stand by my side, and be my partner in life. in 2009 I met the greatest and most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was everything I envisioned and everything I could of ever hoped for. I was set and complete and officially the happiest man in the world. As time went on, she really was my everything, I can’t even explain the joy that I felt seeing her beautiful face smiling every time she saw me. She thought the world of me also and things just seemed perfect. A little too perfect. As years went by of things being so great, all of the sudden I felt like we were too attached that I couldn’t breathe. I let this affect me and eventually pushed her away and asked for a break. She was devastated, she knew that she was a little too clingy and never really gave me room and she used to tell me “I only am like that because I love you so much”. And it was so true. Her only crime was loving me and this is when things were on a steady decline. I met someone on our break. A girl I had personally always been attracted to, and we hit it off right off the bat. She was attracted to me as I was attracted to her and I knew right away that it was a dangerous situation. This is when I had first thought that the “grass might be greener on the other side” and I kept talking to this girl. I had officially been tempted and fell into deep temptation and that is difficult to overcome once you fall. All I had with this girl was lust, nothing more, and it was mistaken for love. My ex had been waiting around for me, and I kept her waiting. She eventually found out about everything and was devastated. She felt so betrayed. She was distraught. I kept talking to my ex through everything because she still had cared so much, but I came to my senses and I thought to myself that enough was enough and I need to go back to my ex because she truly loves me and I need to stop hurting her. She was about to leave for vacation for a month and i could not wait until she came back. As a matter of fact, I was going to go find her in Europe to propose to her. I was so happy and so excited. One day when she was away, I told her that I was going to go and find her, and she told me not to. This is when I knew things took a sudden turn. She told me that she had found other happiness and did not want me to go. At this point I had already bought the ring and her telling me not to go was a stabbing feeling to my heart. When she came back from vacation I saw her but I knew things changed. SHE had seen “greener grass” and the tables had finally turned. I finally pushed her away so much that she was forced to find other happiness. I did this all to myself. We were at a point of no return, she officially fell out of love with me from all of the pain that I have caused her and her family. From that moment on, a part of me died. I truly felt what it was like to make the biggest mistake of your life. When she left my life, I was no longer whole. I wish so badly that I can go back and realize that now, how unconditional my love was for her. I have officially lost her. I have had to cope with so much after losing her. High levels of anxiety, mood swings, and just going completely numb to everything. She was the love of my life and I lost her. I tried getting her back so many times but she won’t have it and I don’t blame her. I just wish she could remember what we had and the type of guy she fell in love with. Temptation is really evil, and it ruined my life. Thank you for letting me share my story. Please I would love some feed back. Coping mechanisms, etc. I have been seeing someone ever since so if there is any advice as to how to move on and open up to this new person, that would be great too. Thanks!

May 16, 2014 at 10:08 am #56403

Inky
Participant

Hi Joe,

You could make One Big Grand Last Gesture. Say, “I have a ring waiting for you. You ARE the love of my life! What is Eternal can never be destroyed by the mere temporary. I was young, drunk (add that maybe!!!) and stupid. If I don’t hear from you in (X) amount of days I will move on and wish you all the love, joy and success in the world. Thank you for the best years of my life. If you choose me I promise to give you 50 of the best years of yours.”

If she ignores or it’s a “No”? Then know that you have done everything you can after The Mistake. Then, five or ten years later, you can come back older, wiser, possibly richer, possibly even better looking, with tons of charisma and character, and blame it on Stupidity and Youth. Once again, she is the One that Matters, the One Soulmate.

Meanwhile, honor all the new women in your life as new Chapters. You haven’t left the Overarching Storyline of your Soul Mate, but you are allowed to have other Chapters, Scenes, and even Part 2 of the story.

May 16, 2014 at 10:16 am #56404

J.P.
Participant

Inky,

I have many friends, but most of them really are awful with giving advice. Your words were truly inspirational. I have never had better advice on the situation than what you just said. Thank you so much for your input. Unfortunately she knew I had a ring for her, and she decided to not allow me to see her anyway. I have tried many many times, and it failed over and over again. Time to add chapters you would say?

May 16, 2014 at 10:32 am #56406

Inky
Participant

Absolutely add Chapters. It sounds like going after her now might backfire. BUT Maybe leave the ring and a note with her family members/parents so everyone knows you are serious. Apologize to the family. They are the ones who might have a talk with her, get through to her. But when you give the fam. the ring, say, “This is all I can do; I am gracefully withdrawing.” 1 in 100 chance she comes back? You will have to dump whatever girlfriend you currently have.

OK, now date other girls. Good Luck!

May 16, 2014 at 11:12 am #56408

Tara
Participant

I feel really sorry for the girl you are currently seeing, hanging on to her waiting to dump her if your ex takes you back! Is it fair to move on to a new relationship before you’re ready and when your hearts not in it?

I think you need to write a letter to your ex, even use what you wrote here, explaining exactly what happened and how you feel, and how much you love her. And then leave it at that, knowing you have done everything you can do. If she needs to move on and is happier, then let her go. If it’s meant to be then it will be. You might come together again in the future. Or you both might move on from this relationship, taking it’s lessons with you to your next love. But now you know the difference between lust and love, and that’s a very important lesson. This will all only make you stronger. Good luck

May 16, 2014 at 1:31 pm #56419

J.P.
Participant

Thank you Tara,

The girl that I am currently seeing is the girl that I started talking to immediately going on the break with my ex. Even though she is a great girl and does everything for me, she reminds me a lot of the past situation that happened between her, my ex, and I. A lot of it right now is just wrong place, wrong time. Even though I care about this current girl, she still is the girl that came immediately after my ex, so things will not feel right in the beginning, but eventually something good could come from it, who knows.

I really thank you for reading my post however and for your feedback.

May 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm #56430

sojourner
Participant

Joe, I can’t think of a gentle way to say this…you blew it dude. Please let this poor girl move on and leave her in peace. You are getting a little taste of how devastating and difficult and awful it can be to try and move on. She got through it and has told you no, bless her heart, because I’m sure part of her was tempted. Please leave her alone. Study and internalize the lessons you have learned and never let it happen again. And for God’s sake, please be fair & honest with the one you are seeing now, she’d be pretty upset to know she was playing second fiddle. PS Soul mates aren’t born, they are made in the fires of unconditional love. Good luck.

May 16, 2014 at 11:18 pm #56431

Big blue
Participant

Hi Joe,

You already know this is tragic. The problems are: you were/are mixed up about a committed relationship, she was really really hurt and she can’t trust you anymore, and the other girl could get hurt. The positive side is your ex is taking care of herself and you are trying to learn from this. I have to say I feel unsettled thinking about it. For you and especially for her it must have been horrible.

Joe besides ‘listening’ I’m not sure if I have any advice. Sometimes we need to face discomfort and just be in it. Joe something in you told you to break it off. But how you did that with the other girl while keeping your sweetheart waiting … Ugh. You need to forgive yourself and realize you’re not perfect and you are learning. Honestly this is something you need to work through and the others have given great advice.

Big blue

May 16, 2014 at 11:46 pm #56432

The Ruminant
Participant

Hello Joe,

There is a problem in the notion that another person would complete you and that they would fill a void within: they can never continuously fill it exactly the way you need it to be filled. There is no perfect fit like that, that could be sustained. So, eventually you would run into a situation where you’re no longer content for what ever reason, and need to look for the fix again from elsewhere.

Also, if you are looking for a woman to make you whole, does that mean that what you are offering to her is half a man? Wouldn’t it be nicer to be able to offer her a complete man to begin with? 😉

There’s a little bit of idealization of love in your story. The idea of the perfect partner, the idealization of what it was like now that you don’t have it anymore, buying a ring and planning to travel far to make her yours… This kind of mindset will always leave things just outside of your reach. In your mind the perfect something exist, so the actual reality that is in front of you isn’t as appealing. But perfect the way you imagine it does not exist, so you’ll forever be seeking it.

Fortunately, it is possible to reverse this mindset, and realize that you already have everything that you could possibly need within you. Then it’s just about sharing that with someone else. You can look at meditation practices as a spiritual thing, or you can look at them as practical actions taken to allow your brain to grow so that you could have these realizations. To be able to be emotionally mature and to love like a grown man.

You should also love yourself in a humble way. To accept yourself as you are and accept that you are loved. To let love into your heart and let it grow. You said that you have unconditional love towards the girl who is now gone. I understand that we can have different kinds of descriptions for different things. My idea of unconditional love is that you are so full of love and compassion yourself that it will flow towards other beings, without care of who is in the receiving end. It’s not specific to one particular person, because if it was, it wouldn’t be unconditional anymore. It would have the condition that the person you love is the person you think that they are. If they would be someone else, the love would stop.

It would be great if you could cultivate your mind-heart connection in a way that you could have that love in your heart regardless of who you are with, and to understand rationally how to use it. Instead of great drama and soul mates and love greater than life, you could find such joy and perfection(!) in the most mundane things in your own life and in the life that you are sharing with another person. I’m not the right person to discuss about how to cultivate interpersonal relationships, as I’m still personally struggling with that one, but you should start with yourself anyway.

There are couple of books I’d recommend to you.

One is Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson: http://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952

The other is How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo: http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful-ebook/dp/B00HZ374KY

Other than that, I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do. I hope that you can start a journey of personal growth. When you learn how to be yourself, your whole self, you’ll know in your heart and in your mind what you should do.
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