Hi Anita,

It’s nice to talk to you again. I hope you’ve been well.

So I’ve been with a guy for 11 months now. Things started great, but I think we did move too fast. We went on a weekend trip after a month of dating and that was great. I brought up about what we are looking or and want in a relationship, and we both want to get married and have kids. He would ask what kind of wedding I want, living together, etc. I started sleeping over at his house for almost every weekend after that. We had a routine – every Friday, we would get dinner together; sometimes, he would come over to eat, or I would cook for us based on what recipe he sends me, or we go out to eat. Then we would stay at my house for some time, and I would shower and get ready to go back to his place with him. He would just wait for me patiently, but would always be on his phone while waiting for me. It did eventually bother me and I brought up to him that he’s too focused on his phone more than on me. He just says that his phone is a big part of his life (because of his work), but also said that he has nothing to do at my house other than be on his phone.

He would be the one to usually initiate and ask me what are we doing or the plans for the weekend. He seemed infatuated and was affectionate. When I would cry, he would hold me.

It wasn’t until around June, during one of his close friend’s wedding, that he blurted out to one of the best man (also his friend), that if things do work out between me and him, he would be his best man too because they discussed this years before.

After that, it bothered me a lot because it seemed like he was unsure now. So after a few weeks, I brought it up to him and asked him. His response was because anything can happen in the future; we may end up getting married, or we may break up due to cheating, or some problems we can’t fix. That based on his observations of his friends in the past, he’s seen some of them break up and some would cheat, etc. Also, he did not have a good childhood growing up. His parents were divorced when he was really young, and it was not a great experience and he remembered that based on his parents’ argument, it was that his dad was seeing another woman (?). They argued and both did not want to keep him, because they both wanted to keep his brother. So he ended up living with his dad growing up.

I felt resentment towards him after that, and maybe was a little cold sometimes.

But what really made the relationship shift was what happened after our trip with my friends. It was originally supposed to be with just my friends and I, but out of excitement and because he was present in the hang out when we planned it, I wanted him to go too and didn’t want to leave him out. He end up coming along. I think a big mistake we made was that we didn’t discuss in detail what we all wanted to do and our expectations for the trip. We went to Hawaii, and they all wanted to explore beaches there, which I didn’t mind because I like the beach – but I only wanted to stay there for a little bit, not for hours. My friends and boyfriend all got in the water when we got to the beach, and even though I got swimsuits, I didn’t get in the water on the first day, because at the time I got a skin infection due to a mosquito bite and didn’t want to infect it so I was worried. I just sat and waited for them on the sand. Then after the beach, my friends just wanted to go back and stay in the hotel pool, and I had thought we were going to go get dinner together. But after the pool, they both said that they weren’t feeling well so they will skip and just order room service. I got triggered at that moment (due to my own triggers and core wounds activated of feeling left out). I guess I lashed out on my boyfriend. He offered to go to the mall with me because I really wanted to go. My friend texted us on the group chat about the plan for the next day. I agreed. We went to the plantation, and then we went to get lunch together. Then we went to a different beach, and this time, I tried getting in the water as I promised. But because I’m super light weight and not as tall as them, and they were deeper into the water, I started to panick. The more I walked into the water, the more I felt like I couldn’t control my movement and the waves were stronger than I expected. Then I lost balance, and felt in the water. I felt embarrassed because there were people around, and none of my friends came towards me, they just kept encouraging me to go to them. I shouted to them that I can’t (not sure they heard), but my boyfriend eventually came to me and tried to help me to the deeper end. I snapped and said that I can’t, I will drown and he tried to reassure me. I just went back to where we left all our stuff and sat down. Then I called my mom to rant to her, and he didn’t understand so he used the translator and then said I was shit-talking about them. I was just feeling triggered and cried. Then out of anger, I said that next time I will just travel with my sister instead. Looking back, I know I could have done things differently or handled it differently.

After the trip, he just acted so indifferent. We don’t see each other every weekend like we did before. In the past, even when he had to work on weekends before, he would still work it around and make time to spend with me. Since we came back, for the whole month, he was also super busy with work and sometimes he would have to work weekends. But he stopped asking me about plans for the weekend, except occasionally. But we stopped doing to sleep over. I felt things were off, but tried to brush it off. Last month, I finally brought it up to him via text because it was starting to bother me a lot that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I asked him if something was wrong because things feel off since the trip. I said that we don’t do the routine we did before, and that I don’t sleep over anymore and feel like he is really distant. He just asked me why I would say that, and that he already told me that he’s just been really busy with work and having ant issues in his room. His response felt really cold with no affection.

He asked me if I want to go to the zoo, so I said okay. I thought things were okay, until he made a passive aggressive comment out of no where calling me selfish. It was uncalled for, and after that I kept pressing him to tell me what he means by that. He just kept ignoring my question, until he drove me back home and made him tell me when I said I won’t get off until he tells me. He asked me why I want to know, and I said because you said it, and it bothers me that he doesn’t explain. He just said because of what happened at the trip with my friends – my friends kept asking him why do I keep wanting to go to the mall, and he said he didn’t know how to answer that. He said he finds it weird that they don’t even know even though I claim that they were my high school best friends, and we’ve known each other longer than I have known him. Another thing was that I tend to get upset when he said he wants to hang out with his friends, that I don’t want him to see his friends. For that, I told him it’s because I felt left out sometimes (when his friends also include their wives or partners, not that it’s a boys night thing). He didn’t get it. But I’m sure there are other things too…

I’ve been the one initiating hand holding for the most part, and I just asked him casually, can you initiate hand holding? I’ve been doing it, and he quickly said no (jokingly?), but didn’t haven’t initiated. It really hurt.

For the past month, I’ve been the one initiating and asking him what doing something together. Two weeks ago, he did say if I want to sleep over, I can. Then when I asked if he wants me to, (usually he says yes), he just said i don’t know, if you want. I thought things were starting to feel a bit normal(?).

Until last week, we didn’t see each other at all. On Sunday, I finally sent him a text that we need to talk about the relationship when he can. He said ok. Then I asked if he wants to talk in person or on the phone, and he said we can talk on the phone. I felt really hurt that he didn’t even want to see me to talk about the issues in person even though he’s home. But I called him.

Again, I brought up about the emotional distance thing I felt and that we are disconnected, and what we both want, need, or is important in the relationship. He just said the logical stuff like he would like to move forward and marriage, and when I say I mean emotionally, he didn’t know how to answer. I asked how he felt about me and what he is thinking about the relationship, and he said that he is thinking unsure about the relationship because of all the small issues from the trip with my friends. He said he’s not sure how he feels about me. He asked me if that would happen again. I tried to tell him that I admit I could’ve reacted differently and he said that I should really talk to my friends because it really bothered him, and kept mentioning about how my friends kept asking him about why i keep wanting to go to the mall, and that we have malls at home and we go often. He brought up about how I would say I’ll go with my sister from now on. I’m not sure if he is hurt by it. He’s not good at talking about emotions and I don’t think he is emotionally self aware.

Through text, sometimes I have a bad day and just want to rant. So I texted him last week about how I had a panic attack with my dad’s driving to him. He just responded, “from driving?” to which I responded yeah and explained. I waited and he never responded after that. I reasoned it’s because he’s busy. I go on Instagram a few hours later, and saw he shared a story. I calculated the time and felt hurt and unseen, triggered that he didn’t respond to my vulnerability. After work, I text that I’m home and he said he is home too. Then I asked if he got my text, and he responded, yes. During our phone call on Sunday, he brought that up too about how I asked if he got my text. I don’t know how it triggered him, and said that because I wasn’t sure if he got the text or not since he didn’t acknowledge it. To him, he just responded, well what else is there to say? then he proceeded to say if he was supposed to respond with solutions. I just told him that I just wanted to share/rant, that I just needed him to listen and not give solutions. He just said okay. But after that conversation, he just seem even more drawn back… I just don’t know what to do at this point.

Hi Alessa, thank you for your reply!

“I’m sorry your holiday didn’t go very well. It sounds like you have some anxiety with water and you really did try. It is a shame that you weren’t able to handle the situation in the way that you wanted to. I think lots of people have difficulties when they are very stressed.”

Yes, because I don’t know how to swim – and I also had a skin infection on my leg, I wasn’t comfortable going into the water in case of making the infection worse or just worrying about drowning. I am really light weight, so I feel even just a slightly stronger wave could take me.

“Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really understand the level of anxiety you feel sometimes? What do you think?”

Yeah I feel he doesn’t understand my anxiety at all, even when I share with him.

“I understand the phone thing, I’m guessing he’s on it a fair bit? I tend to have a hard rule on dates no phone use unless it’s for work. People are really addicted these days and it draws focus when you are trying to connect. It’s honestly a bit of an uphill struggle and not worth the effort to try and encourage people to get of their phones otherwise. I just say hey I’m trying to talk to you when people get sucked in. Wait until they answer and if they don’t look at you say hey look at me, I’m trying to talk to you. I’m a savage.”

He’s almost always on his phone. He always carry two phones with him (one personal and one for work). Due to his job, sometimes he needs to constantly check and be on call. I don’t mind that, but more like when we would sleep together and wake up, the first thing he does would be going on his phone for at least an hour because that is his routine. Sometimes I just want a little attention and love in the morning I guess? But if I do need to talk, he would put his phone down so I try not to let the phone thing bother me. I think I am a bit used to it now because it’s a habit I don’t think would change.

I can understand the stress you felt when you were overthinking his words about marriage. Do you think it’s fair to say overthinking? Perhaps you are used to trying to read into people’s words and work hard to notice their moods?”

I get anxious and need stability and certainty so I think that’s why I was like that and why it triggered my anxiety around it.

[quote quote=451662]Dear Ann
Question what did you expect your boyfriend to do whilst you were in shower…do the dishes….snoop thru your personal belongings….join you in the shower? Are you a quick 5min in out dressed & ready to go or the whole works shampoo conditioner blow dry make up etc I had a friend that would take a minimum of an hour to get ready, so I found carrying a book would help pass the time, what do you do to pass the time when you are waiting for someone?
Anita is so good at her research on previous posts etc she is probably much better at seeing psychologically how things are for you.
I hope that you feel that you are heard & supported on this forum.
regards
Roberta[/quote]

Hi Roberta! Thank you for your response.

Usually I try to be as quick as I can to get ready when he is waiting. Now I try to shower before when he is on his way to my house so it will take less time. But I try to get ready before an hour. I don’t do makeup, so it’s just a simple skincare routine.