Hi Ann

Honestly, I understand your anxiety around water. ❤️ I drowned in a river and had to be given mouth to mouth as a teenager. I was slight too and I knew how to swim, albeit I was not a good swimmer. Your fear is realistic and you can’t be too careful when swimming in open water. A pool is much safer. Did you communicate your concerns about the sea to the group?

I totally get it! That is modern dating for you. 🤷‍♀️ Most people have a bit of an addiction if they use their phones regularly, it seems. It’s natural to want a bit of attention from your partner. Do perhaps hold back from attending to these feelings until it frustrates you? What do you think?

Ahh, I understand. Uncertainty makes me feel anxious sometimes too. A lot of life is uncertain though. It can be hard.

I don’t think he meant anything bad by it though. Since you know that uncertainty is a trigger for you, when you feel anxious it might be helpful to check is this because of my uncertainty trigger? Triggers can make things seem bigger than they are. It can be helpful sometimes to practice self-soothing when you notice these kinds of triggers too make it regular sized. What kinds of things help your anxiety and make you feel calmer? ❤️

Only if you feel comfortable. Are there any significant times in your life where you have felt this deep anxiety over uncertainty? Where do you think it might come from? ❤️

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and feelings. Please feel free to share anything at all. ❤️

Dear Ann:

“I tried talking to him about it again by asking him why it bothered him that my friends kept asking him why I keep wanting to go to the mall during our trip. He said it didn’t bother him but that was just an example and they are my friends so he’s confused why they would ask him and expected that they should know the answer… I just don’t understand why it bothered him so much..”-

Seems to me, that what confused or puzzled him was that your friends had no idea why you wanted to go to the mall and they didn’t ask you why, they asked him.. which suggests a lack of CONNECTION between you and your friends (or.. not really friends..?).

I spent a few hours on Nov 7 studying your previous threads. Maybe it’d be worth it to look into your own words in regard to connecting with people (I am upper casing the word connecting or connection):

“I’ve always struggled with making friends and building strong CONNECTIONS with people (9/24/2019)… growing up I didn’t get much of the emotional connection and bond with my parents… Which makes sense I would then crave/depend a lot on my ex partner for the emotional support and CONNECTION but even then, it was not enough. (9/25/2019)… I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself, but still can’t help feeling depressed from lack of emotional intimacy or closeness with anyone, even with my family… I just don’t feel any emotional CONNECTION (July 11-12, 2020.

Another related theme is you feeling MISUNDERSTOOD. You wrote yesterday (again, uppercasing): “He didn’t UNDERSTAND and kept saying that we were going to the same mall, and was defending my friends. I felt so triggered like he and my friends don’t even try to see things from my perspective, only theirs. I get called selfish by him and it feels like he is refusing to try to UNDERSTAND me… I did tell them briefly, but I felt they didn’t UNDERSTAND my concerns.”

I did a little study just now on the above two themes in general (not at all in regard to anything you shared): “Disconnection breeds misunderstanding: When you feel cut off from others, you’re less likely to share openly. That lack of communication makes it harder for people to truly understand you.

“Misunderstanding reinforces disconnection: If people misinterpret your words, emotions, or intentions, it can feel like they don’t “get” you. That experience often pushes you further away, deepening the sense of isolation.

“Cycle of distance: Disconnection → less communication → more misunderstanding → stronger disconnection. It becomes a loop unless broken by empathy or clearer dialogue.

“Psychological perspective- Belonging needs: Humans have a core need to belong. When misunderstood, that need feels unmet, which shows up as disconnection.

“Identity and validation: Feeling understood validates your identity. Without it, you may feel invisible or alienated.

“Emotional safety: Understanding creates safety. Misunderstanding can feel unsafe, leading to withdrawal and loneliness.

“Feeling disconnected and feeling misunderstood are not separate — they feed into each other. Disconnection makes understanding harder, and misunderstanding makes disconnection deeper. Breaking the cycle usually requires open communication, empathy, and patience from both sides.

“There are practical strategies to break the cycle between feeling disconnected and misunderstood, and to move toward deeper connection”.

End of study.

What do you think about the above, Ann? If it resonates, would you like to discuss practical strategies to move toward deeper connections with your friends and boyfriend?

🤍 Anita

I know I am going to say something stupid so just take this with a huge rock of salt.
There is a joke I heard where a woman is complaining to her therapist about her husband getting angry.
She is afraid that her husband might explode. So, the therapist says that anytime he begins to get angry
to put some water in her mouth and swish it around. Keep doing that until he calms down.
After a week of doing this, she returns to the therapist and says that little trick is working.
And ask how does swishing water in her mouth calms her husband down. The therapist says that if
she doesn’t say anything then there isn’t anything for him to get upset about.

Well, that might have nothing to do with your situation.
But, if each person is making notes about what the other did wrong.
This is no way to have a relationship. Making your feelings depend upon how the other reacts.
It is a recipe for manipulations and calculations and just plain turmoil.
And it won’t get better as each thinks about what the other has done.
And then it begins to fester.

I am sorry. I am not giving advice. I wouldn’t know what is the best way to go.
Lately, I just ask myself what is important to me
And then I live for that.

Relationships aren’t about a perfect match. Relationships are hard work.
But, the reward is having someone you love and loving you.
Of course, there are those who should not stay a couple and there are those who will stay together forever.
What is the deciding factors? I don’t know.
That is dependent upon the couple.

To give outright advice that a couple should break up??
Makes me wonder whose shoulders one stand upon??

Dear James,

So, love is whatever happens still being with that person and support no matter what?
If that person is abusive then love is still being with that person? No matter what?
Ridiculous. It matters … what.

Love is when two people are caring and work together to maintain a relationship.

Your advice is to split/break up.
You know exactly what her situation is?
Rather than having compassion and lending a ear.
To listen and give an encouraging word.
You give advice of which you have no idea what that would do??

Where is your compassion? What wisdom do you hold?
No matter if you speak the truth.
It doesn’t give you the right to hurt others with blunt words.

Hey Guys
Ann’s last post was nearly a month ago. For whatever reason she is not engaging with us (Tiny Buddha Forum) so why, oh why do you two butt heads like rutting stags no matter what the thread?

Wisdom is not about just saying the truth. Wisdom is about handling a situation with compassion.
So a kind word here or there isn’t about compounding a person’s suffering.
It is about reaching the spirit of the person and bringing them love.
To let them know that they are not alone. That there is someone who wants to help.
Strength is not what you do when you have the power to hurt someone.
It is about choosing to use that strength to help them instead.

But what do I know, after all, according to James, I am just a person who can’t handle the truth, life wise and spiritual wise.
Wow, how is that for wisdom and compassion??