Hi Anita,  My friends are in a similar situation to me…one was cheated on in maybe a worse way, both have kids. Meeting guys is near impossible, there are no guys around here you would want to date. Or, they are not interested because there are lots of younger women.

With my ex it is strange. It should be a closed door. But i feel in my bones its not. Ive said before there is some kind of connection, once before i suddenly had a strong urge to see him and was missing him…and then his car drove past me. Things like that have happened before. Yesterday feeling strongly i wanted my colleague to get rid of the house….and in the afternoon she informed me he had sold it.

I wanted to start saying that my sister didnt take from me but in fact she has. One reason i fell out with her (now more than 6 months i think) is because while she stayed with us…longer than expected due to Covid….she had borrowed some clothes and then returned them…one was torn, I dont think anything was washed, another she took with her and left me with 3x plastic bags full of clothes she had bought at a charity shop and told me to ” give them back to charity or choose what you want”. Alongside this she had hardly paid for anything during her 3 month stay, my parents paid most times but other times it was me…when she gets home she always says she and her partner are making good money and taking trips etc.

I am a single income, not well off individual. But she arrogantly thinks our parents will just take care of me and dismisses any criticism. I feel this is repressed anger from her childhood. She felt i got more than her, things and especially love.

Growing up my sister was remote, not involved and sullen. Into adulthood my parents complained they hadnt heard from her, i certainly never heard from her…then in the last few years…she has a partner and a child, they have a business and things are tough but getting successful. Since having her daughter she now wants more contact with our parents..but its the same again, it has to be on her terms. My parents tell me sometimes they dont get to see the grandchild but its withheld like a pawn. My sister is craving the love she feels is missing. I sometimes feel my mother is unfeeling but i also see, my sister feels its never fair, or enough. She has had the same feelings about friends of hers, when she falls out she can be vicious about them.

I noticed the last time she was visiting, that she was determined to have the last word..certainly authoritative about her child. It has to be about her. Ironically enough, its very similar to our mother. Who mostly gets her way at home and is angry if she doesnt. My sister is turning out to be the same. They are both able to be very charming but also have a terrible temper.

In a way my ex´s behaviour was similar. Self centered behaviour, entitlement and a temper if they don´t get their voice heard. One of the last things he said when we were splitting up was that he didn´t want to end up like my parents…but i always felt he was like my mother, which means he hates himself! Maybe growing up with all this made his behaviour normal to me.

I know and knew he wasn´t mine.

He didnt want that. When we discussed a commitment he just avoided it. and yet he was very jealous. In the early days he went away on holiday without me, it was a guys trip he had planned for a while. I know he missed me terribly and when he came back he had brought me a ring. It was like an engagement ring and i wore it but he refused to call it that.  He said no, “its a promise ring” and i would get angry with him. He even told his old neighbours and various other people he knew that we were getting married, but not to his close friends or family. It was teasing something that i really wanted at the time. The ring was burning a hole in my hand..i wanted to be proud to wear it but..i felt ashamed for my need to get married when it was clear he couldnt offer it. And i felt ashamed for being weak because i loved him.

Eventually we had an argument where i thrust it back at him and in an angry reaction he threw it away…god knows what he was thinking my reaction would be to all this teasing.

Maybe he was so afraid of commitment himself that he was going through the motions to see how it felt…i just dont know. His father had left his mother when he was 15 and i know it affected him very much because life changed, probably a lot. I think his father was a cheater and a charmer too. I think he struggled to get his attention.

I felt equally commitment-phobic about marriage. My previous relationship had gone downhill after a “romantic” proposal and i felt a dreaded sense of responsibility washing over me. I didnt expect to feel such revulsion to it and realised that i couldnt just get by on feeling “comfortable” when i didnt love him. I couldn´t even wear the ring, somehow it felt like a sentence and felt really uncomfortable. I felt owned. I was never the girl who would dream of her wedding, not at all.

But with this guy…i still was not into weddings but i wanted a commitment with him..he knew it but just couldn´t do it.

There were many times he asked me if i was seeing someone else….just like my sister it seems, the love i gave him just was never enough to satisfy his insecurities. Maybe i was too cool in showing it..and im more reserved publicly…i think he wanted to see adoration to show his friends, to show off…but ive no doubt at all they saw that.  He didnt, so he kept looking for others to show him what was lacking from me.

As i write this i know, im still right there. Nothing seems to budge this feeling of connection. I feel like i need to sleep with someone just for the sake of it. I don´t want to.

Hi Anita,

i wrote several times and it seems something does not want me to as it wont save!

Every day since this i have seen something to remind me of the situation.  i had a phone call from a client asking about his house which has now sold and is removed from our website…my number is not associated anywhere with this property so i don´t know how she was calling me. She said she was surprised it had sold quickly..i said it hadnt as we had it for sale for months, i asked if i could send her details or at least have her name, she refused and said goodbye. Its coincidental that i receive a call a day after it was removed and i got suspicious thinking what if this woman was trying to find out how i feel about it? Since then i have noticed that perhaps her agency IS checking what mine has and going after the same properties. Maybe all this was just about money as it often is in my area. Can it be a coincidence, i dont really believe in those anymore.

My workplace this week has been the worst. This bullying manipulating is so toxic and its coming from the top down, because of greed. My colleague is going into surgery this weekend, they have made her life hell this week and i cant stomach it. Me, they just don´t consider at all..im a nothing. They have absolutely no respect for anyone. This is clearly survival mode at its worst.

Betrayal seems to be the theme of April 2021.

Speaking of people stealing or taking from me:

In my work, i in fact sold one of the most expensive properties we have ever sold, about 3 years ago. It was a long process, involving immense patience and i was teased all the way ” id rather you work with them than me!” etc. In the end, i made a great sale, the clients wanted to work with me although they were surrounded by other agents but i had gone out of my way to help them because i genuinely liked them. When the day came for the money, my boss told me “unfortunately” she had to give a larger share to another person who was involved in a minor way..which meant i got less than i was owed. It stung, as its clearly unfair…but in this place there´s nothing i can do about it. However, this memory has sat with me ever since and its a problem. If i sell another big property, will they steal from me again with some excuse? That day i have to say i lost my trust in my boss and saw them for who they are.

I also have had a number of times when i felt my job security was threatened by a new colleague who seemed to think they could walk in and take over..teasing and bullying, manipulating. And now we have this family member, manipulating the boss to his will and reading all our correspondence so he can benefit from our hard work. I live with the knowledge that i could work hard on something and someone will say i can´t get paid, because they want to take from me.

Leave? well, id have to start again from scratch with no savings. No one has sympathy for my situation, its hard times at the moment and people are unemployed, there is always a reason not to pay me or to pay me less. Other companies are at least as bad from what i hear but it feels more and more like i have to leave because the family member wants me to and makes life difficult for me.

My relationship with my sister has always been tenuous. We got on fine but i knew it was only because i was amenable. Whenever she has come to stay she never pays for much..and leaves that to the parents or me. Now she also has a child but the ritual has continued and no one said anything, i brought it up with my parents and they know but have not confronted her. Last time she came, she borrowed clothes because it was a long time, i got them back with one torn, the other not washed and some things she just takes with her. She left me (hahaha like the nursery rhyme) 3x bags full of charity clothes dumped in my office that she had bought while she was here and said i could take them or bring them back to the charity shop. This is what i fell out with her over. This casual entitlement and selfishness. I was fed up with her behaviour and my parents say nothing. I told her i dont make much money and in fact, she is doing quite well with her partner.

I know my sister thinks because i live near our parents that, they will take care of things for me and to a certain extent if im in trouble that would be true. But i am responsible for myself and have worked hard. I have not had a holiday like she gets every time she comes over, in years and years. And she makes us pay.

This is her mental hangover from childhood. Feeling that she was loved less and telling everyone around her it is like that. When i would speak to her, she would never ask how i was but talk endlessly about what she was doing and what she wanted. If i said i was having a hard time, she would shut down and i wouldnt hear from her..I once stayed over with her, we were drinking a lot and i started crying about an ex, saying how i felt so terrible i didnt want to go on (yes, i always got depressed after a breakup). She took my to a psychologist she knew and that woman said basically that i should not drink and that i should feel bad that i had upset my sister. I knew after that, i could never count on her for comfort or to confide in..its not that she doesnt have sympathy i think, she just can´t be there for anyone else. I felt really lonely after that but had to find something within myself to comfort the lack of support.

She now uses her child to manipulate my parents. Since she became a mother she has wanted a lot of contact with them, frequent calls to talk about what she is doing, its normal to feel a craving to connect when you become a mother. However, my parents complained lately… they never see the grandchild or the partner, just her talking about herself. I dont think they understand her need for attention from them stems from long ago. Having children is kind of an extension of yourself..so every praise and every moment is reflected back on her, i think she has really enjoyed that.

She never had less than me as a child, she had as much attention as me, she chose to go out more with friends and always argued with our mom. She can be very angry when criticised and will not be told anything. I am not like her, i was the joker of the family and diffused situations with jokes and humor. I was easier to get one with and I got on with our parents, its just that. I feel sad that she is so resentful no matter how much she is given.  But she has had much more success in life; with partners and with work. On many occasions clothes disappear if i left them with her. When she stayed over with her child, her partner had to stay behind to work but planned to visit…in that instance of excitement i saw her true feelings ” we have to rent a place that is at least as good as my sister´s” she demanded of him and he seemed to sigh a bit, i said ” how about anywhere for a start!” but it was clear this was a competition of sorts.

If this is success in life then why am i so weak? I thought loving people was enough but its really not, you need to manipulate people to get your way it seems, you need to get rid of the competition.  i never learned how and because of that i have struggled all of my life.

When i met my ex he sort of became my world. I loved everything about his life. It was what i wanted too. He was however, much older..already experienced in many things and he had grown up in the place i was just getting to grips with. It was hard for me and here he was, apparently with everything. I wanted to be there and be the right one but once the physical attraction was over, he criticised the way i worked, how i cooked, my lack of sociability, my family, my friends and that i didnt care for him. I wanted so much to be right but i was just never enough.

I know he loved me…sadly the only thing i know. We broke up several times but our attractions stayed..our mental connection was still there. I just wasnt the mother, or the housewife or the mediator or any of those things he thought he wanted.

Hi Anita, I dont know what happened but the last 3 posts i made were repeating because it did not seem to save since your post of 11:54pm 22 April. Now i see them all apppearing so it sounds very repetitive.

Your thoughts that i was in fact the jealous one growing up don´t ring true to me at all. I can only tell you what i felt but of course, without the other people you would never get a full picture.

I told you my examples with my sister because you asked.  She is very self involved by example of her behaviour i think. Yes i think i would like her life. So perhaps i am jealous of her. But that makes it even more galling that she should feel resentment at me. I have nothing to be jealous of. Yes she said that she found my relationship with my parents was unhealthy, i think she meant at one time i spent a lot of time with them….but she lives in a different world. Its not the same where i am and its easy to judge looking in. A lot of my foreign friends left…because they couldnt find work they liked or meet guys..its that simple. Because of my family being here i had more support and now i can´t afford to move because income is low where i am.

The workplace issues seem to have come up in my writing because obviously they are a big part of my life…that is being torn to shreds by a manipulative person, this family member who is taking over the business. It hurts…i am processing the feelings that i have to just walk away, accept defeat and have nothing to show for the many hours of extra work i put in early on when the business was small, the ideas i had were not even considered, i am a nothing to them and colleagues have agreed this is the case. The family member joined us just as the business turned and became successful.

I know, this generation says ” you were stupid to offer extra from yourself…you are the loser” but i dont believe that. I believe that karma will come for those who hurt and deliberately betray others for their own gain. I have to believe this to not just give up altogether.

Am i jealous of other people now? SURE! i wish i had money, job security,  i wish i had someone who loved me, i wish i had autonomy and that people respected me, i wish that i could go out and not feel like people are constantly out to get me. I have no idea what its like to feel secure in my life…to build a family with someone is just way beyond me. I wouldnt trust them now…it just wont be as lovely and as innocent as some women´s experience of love.

I didnt feel that way when i was a kid and when i was young. But what lasts is that i mostly got burned by people i trusted or loved. Even walking on the street sometimes people will start laughing as i approach them so that i go to look in the mirror what is wrong…there is never anything there. I must have a funny looking expression or something. But i was always told by my mother and by other women i knew, friends and strangers, that people were jealous of the way i looked…guys have always said i looked good in the past…its all i can go on.Maybe they were lying?

Im not bragging because if anything, id say beautiful women are the most unhappy because so much is put on them. You are expected to be MORE humble, MORE kind etc. You get kicked harder if you do anything people dont like. And certainly, in a foreign country i feel that i am targeted a lot because women here are very jealous and possessive. They don´t like foreign women at all. men think you are good for one thing. And that has certainly been the case for me. Ive been treated as an object by at least one boyfriend. And no guy has ever approached me here to ask me out….only my ex.. the only one.

I feel its a taboo. To say that. People think you are lucky. They don´t know that you are walking around with pills in your pocket to make you feel you have a way out if it gets too bad…i did that years ago, when i first arrived here. I thought, if anything hurt too much, id have a way out and it made me feel better. I know i looked much prettier then but i was really starving thin too because i was suffering…guys like that model look, my ex did, they have no idea and dont care if you are ill.

Trying to turn my way of thinking around seems like an impossible task. Im here in my misery and thats it. I can´t change that people dont want to talk to me offhand. I cant change that i am still shy and dont go out enough. I cant change what happened to me. I thought i could start by not thinking constantly about my ex but as i said….he was the only guy to notice me and make the effort to know me and i really mean that. How can i believe that other guys may have noticed me but been too scared to approach me? What if they just didnt notice me? What if i am just too messed up for anyone to like me and stay?

Q1: Strangers do make fun of me sometimes. It feels like it is fairly often to me but i am perhaps more sensitive than others to even think about it. My mom used to say its because i was good looking, other people have seconded this later and guys definitely told me that. So i started to feel (because it is usually women) that they were jealous of the way i looked. But the comments of course are varied…yesterday a woman stepped out of her apartment building on the phone and started laughing loudly saying “oh! you should see the scene out here today!” i mean, i was the only person there and what am i supposed to think. Its rude and clearly meant to make me feel bad although she doesnt know i understand her language.  Sometimes my neighbours talk about me when im out on my balcony. But when i was younger and prettier i used to get a LOT of negativity from other women i didnt know. As i said, the women here are very jealous, there is a distinct difference to how im treated as a woman to for instance a man because ive observed it. This partly creates my isolation. You feel unliked and unwelcome.

Q2: I dont really know if men notice me here because no one approaches me. at my work ive worked with a few different guys and they may have found me pretty initially but after that usually there is some tension. Something about men finding you attractive brings out major sexism in the workplace. Men stare from a distance and may comment with each other and laugh but thats about it. As i said, you feel very isolated when it seems people talk about you but never say hi. I dont look like the women here, they are latin and i am more germanic looking, so i will always look like a tourist to them. The tourists of course are not here to see more people like them, the guys are interested in those other women, not me.

Q3: I think im messed up by my negative experiences that have made me insecure and worried no one can love me. If someone is attracted to my outside they don´t seem to like who i actually am. The arguments start when i won´t go out more because i am quieter and introverted. I often dread meeting the family because with two previous boyfriends they were a whole lot of work. Not with my ex. If i look for a pattern with boyfriends im not sure what it is they dont like.  Maybe i lack the mothering nature. I look at other people and see that often it is the children born within 2-3 years that are part of that bond. I realised i didnt want any and felt nothing for the idea of being a mother.. but i also had an abortion. Another taboo subject. I didnt think it would affect me but it does now. At the time i was with my ex and unemployed, i really panicked. I didnt like the physical feeling, i felt very uncomfortable and i was terrified of that loss of control, the weight of the responsibility. And then his reaction: he was elated, celebrating it but i remembered he had previously told me he left the mother of his one child because he was jealous of the attention she gave the baby

…i panicked and thought, “i dont want to be a single mother, broke and struggling” i could hardly take care of myself and knew the years ahead would be tough. The whole process was awful..long and drawn out, i suffered physically a lot. He was quiet and i think we should have talked more but life got in the way.

I think my insecurities about interactions with other people are also to blame as boyfriends cant help me or cant relate to my problems. And they turn into issues for them as well. My way of coping with problems is to retreat into myself because of this..ive always felt i had to be self reliant and i gain strength when i am alone as opposed to being surrounded by friends. I know that is not the case for others. Maybe i feel like i am fighting a war and i have to be stronger, so i am more tense…prepared for a fight all the time.

Hi Anita.

I dont dress provocatively or sloppily or anything crazy. Today i was actually wearing something similar to the woman who was reacting…leggings, a t shirt. It just happens a lot to me. There is no mistaking people´s actions and all you can do is ignore it but its hard to ignore when it happens so often. When you are alone and live alone, i think you are vunerable to this..if i was preoccupied with my partner, children etc, i wouldnt care if someone pointed and laughed at my hair, nose or whatever….but it is emphasised because when i step out the house i am always alone and humans are predators.

I know you are probably thinking, this person is suffering from schizophrenia. But i am always questioning what has happened to me, only for it to be confirmed later.

When i was out with my ex i noticed people would really stare at us. Strange women would come sidling up to him trying to get his attention…i always thought it was insane how outrageous some people were. I think i was so happy around him that they wanted some of it to rub off on them…literally. He emitted a warm friendly energy and people gravitated towards him. Ive never met someone so magnetic like that. But the downside was…there were always older women hanging around like lost schoolgirls. They would come looking for him at his work, stop him in the street…and their eyes would not leave his face as he held my hand. He would introduce me and they would coldly smile and then return to stare at him…it was insane. So i was always aware that people were after him.

For some reason today i have been struggling a lot today. I am exhausted. I feel like im on the edge of collapse, like my mind will burn out. im fighting to not obsess about all this but it wont go away. I cant focus properly on anything..i feel its defeating me. I had one moment today when my heart was beating really hard and i had to sit down and take deep breaths. I´m worse during the day, the evening i seem better, but i wake up in the morning and it starts again.

When my ex first cheated on me i  at least got something positive from the woman he was with then.. at the time i became obsessed to know what she was like, i wanted to know what he was attracted to and of course, she was living my old life. I thought perhaps she was more, better somehow..it was irrational.  I looked her up online, trying to find clues of what he liked. She did tarot readings and i started watching my sign. Now years later im hooked on it.

Now, when im fighting the negative feelings, suffering by what my mind picks up on, i watch tarot readings and usually something delivers a message that finally makes me more peaceful. This works better for me than listening to music, which i find makes me feel too much and i get depressed. I have a need to rationalize everything until its no longer there. I need to hear what people think.

Today i watched a reading (i dont pay for them, they are just what appear online) that was exactly the things i have said to you, it really was accurate. And her overall message was, “this is hurting you but he´s not thinking of you, move on”

..i felt briefly, yes, i can let go …but i know the next day i can flip back the other way strongly and be under the impression that he misses me secretly, that he will realise he got the wrong woman..that he is in denial or any other combination…its sad and stupid i know. This is why i can´t figure out how to get rid of this.

One more positive thing after listening to that reading was (although its also negative) that i was starting to feel like actually, i could feel sorry for the woman who has him now. After my early feelings of rage and anger that were frightening me, its welcome to not care so much. There is no doubt in my mind, he is flirting with other women still and maybe even sleeping with someone…he already said she was jealous, so she will have terrible fights with him and doubt herself. He will refuse things she wants to do. Maybe he will pick on some insecurity. I saw her photo and i can imagine that she may be vunerable, no matter what she projects. He has that talent. That is how it was with me and i dont believe that will change.

The tarot reader also said ” this person doesn’t pick strong women, he is looking for weakness in people to exploit”. that’s possibly true. But if you met him you would be fooled too. Im a contradiction because while i write this i know, if he said it was a terrible mistake and was convincing…i´d probably go back. Its an addictive attraction.

Ive had moments before where i just believe. This is it. This is all you are getting in life.