Hi Anita,

Thank you. I will never understand.  I will continue with my therapy; he with his.  Who knows where it will lead us.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I hope he does realize what will be lost.  It’s so sad for me to think of us going our separate ways.  It would not be my choice to do so, but he has changed.  I believe it’s mourning the dream of the future.  The talks we had of living in a little beach house, having our coffee on our front porch, in a double swing rocker of course so we could be next to each other.  Helping each other as we age with simple things like putting on socks.  And as I  write this I cry for the sweet dream of a future that now can be lost.

Hoping for better days.

Katie

Hi Anita,

He texted me last night.  He told me he thinks about me all day.  We chatted back and forth. He didn’t mention anything about the past.  He mentioned things he thinks about, loving things we did for each other…creaming each others hands, me putting lip balm on his lips.  It was a welcome change from the badgering I would get in the past.  It’s nice to hear him thinking about me and him, and not me and the other guy.

Perhaps this is because he misses me.  Perhaps it’s because his therapy is getting him to a new way of thinking.  Whatever the reason, I felt like I was chatting with the person I knew a year ago.   I know the therapy isn’t a quick fix and it will take some time.

I’m still cautious and, as always hopeful.  I know he has to continue on with his therapy.  I don’t expect perfection, just respect and kindness, as I have always given him.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I mean I don’t expect anyone to be perfect.  I’m not and he certainly is not.  His behavior toward me, I expect respect and kindness.  I understand in relationships there are disagreements, but conflict does not have to be unhealthy, or abusive.

I don’t want the relationship of this past year.  I am hopeful that his therapy is working, and I’m being cautious.  I guess in my  mind I am thinking of two paths…perhaps a future with him; perhaps a future without him.

Katie

Hi Anita

It will not be okay for him to ask about my past.  It will not be okay for him to call me names.  No questions about high school guys, no questions about past relationships, unless they’re about my family (no romance).  No boyfriend related questions, and certainly not about my trauma.  No abusiveness.

I’ve never called him names, and I expect the same.  I do not believe in unconditional love unless it’s for your child.  I believe there are conditions to my love…respect, kindness, empathy, compassion.

I can recall in the past he would ask me, “Will you love me no matter what?”  My response would be, “No, not no matter what.  There are expectations that I have of you, and you should have of me.  There are deal breakers.”

If we did get back together, if he starts tormenting me again and getting angry with me because of the past, I know that then the relationship would end.

Katie

Hi Anita,

It would be clear.  I am thinking at some point he and I will have to communicate in a face to face manner.  Hopefully this will be with his therapist.  I’m not a big believer in text messaging; there is no visual or tone of voice.  A conversation about the expectations of the relationship should be talking with each other with eye contact.

I expect going forward I will still have good days and not such good days.   Weekends are hard, but I do get housework done and manage to get outdoors for a walk.  But still I do miss him.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I was kind of waiting for his therapist to suggest the meeting.  She was the one who said that he should not meet with me for awhile due to his anger.  I would like him to work out any issues therapeutically.  But I will definitely think about the meeting. I would like it in a therapeutic setting though.

He is actually texting me right now. Showing me pictures of his house; he painted the outside.  Telling me his cat threw up from the new food he bought him.  I think he is missing our communication.  I know I do miss the communication with him.  But I do wait for him to text.  I’m more taking the approach that he needs tools in his toolbox that he can pull out and use to keep his OCD under control.   I’m not sure if he’s at that point yet and would rather hold off a bit.  Even though I miss him, I don’t want to have him not using a mouth filter; thinking before he speaks.  That’s why I was waiting for his therapist to make the meeting suggestion.  Thinking she would know when he’s ready.  And I’m not quite ready, if he’s still working through all the OCD issues, to hear his unkind words.  I’m not sure where he is in his therapy, but can see that, at least for now, he doesn’t talk about the past.

As you can tell, I’m being protective of myself.  I’m not sure that I’m ready to meet with him.

Katie

Hi Anita,

True, at this point I am making assumptions and am only going by what he told me when he started his therapy.  If he is being honest with his therapist, I cannot believe that she would think that it would not be good for him to have me in his life.  Because that to me would mean she’s telling him to just continue to live with his OCD and not try to break his cycle.  Of course, I don’t know her qualifications either.

I know I can only wait for so long.  At some point it’s a relationship or not.

Katie