Dear Jamie & Jean Claire

I am sorry that you both have had a rough time.   Friendship is a gift, one which most of us forget to cherish & nurture.

The first thing is to become aware that you have fallen into the trap of negative rumination as soon as possible, then smile and congratulate yourself for spotting that you are in that train of thought, name it ie past, this breaks the chain of thought and gives you the chance to resync yourself in the present. There are many quick techniques to bring you back to the present, breathing, yoga, tai chi, name 5 things that you can see are just a few and they only take moments to do and cost nothing but are immensely valuable.

To uproot any deep seated long held beliefs about yourselves may need professional help.

Buddhism helps us let go of the past and walk courageously & compassionately with wisdom on lifes journey through all its ups & downs.

Hi Jamie,

I keep waking up in the morning with the same reel of thoughts and mental images of all the bad things that have happened to me in the past

I like that you used the word “reel” because I think of it as a movie reel that keeps playing in my head over and over again. I like Roberta’s advice that the first step to breaking free is to become aware of what’s happening: Your own personal horror movie just keeps playing in your mind. It’s not real; it’s only a story your mind keeps telling you. Make the decision to step outside the movie and become an objective observer to it, almost like you’re not the leading character in it anymore. In other words, stop identifying with the story. It’s over. Those things that happened are over. When you wake up tomorrow and you have a regret, don’t get pulled in. Just observe it and let it pass. Make a decision to keep doing this as many times as you need to throughout the day. At first it will be hard and you’ll be lucky to get a minute or two of freedom because these darn thoughts are persistent, but after some time it gets easier, becomes a healthy habit, and life becomes an adventure again.

All of us make a lot of mistakes throughout our lives because we’re human and humans make mistakes. I’ve made way too many, trust me. I forgave myself, and I’ll continue to do so because I’ll keep making mistakes, no doubt about that.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It’s time for you to forgive yourself too.

Our suffering is optional because we have the option to not get swept away by our thoughts. Just observe them…here comes those massive regrets again, no big deal, yawn, ho-hum, what am I gonna do for fun after work today?…and let them go.

B 😊

Dear Jamie and JeanClaire,

Jamie, it seems to me you very much wanted to be liked by others, and perhaps in that desire, you became somewhat a people pleaser? I am saying this because you say you dated selfish people, who only cared what you can do for them and didn’t care about you:

If only I was more careful in trusting other people back then. If only I dated people who actually has proven themselves to actually like me for who I am rather than what I can do for them

The people you thought were your friends were similar (“they could care less about you”). I assume they were people in the social group you were swept away by, and who later turned against you:

If only I surrounded myself with friends who really care for me rather than going after people who could care less about me.

One of my biggest regrets was being swept away by a social group and not having as much time to keep in close contact with two previous very dear friends of mine. When we inevitably drifted apart, I was in that friends group for maybe a couple of years before they decided to let me know what they really thought about me.

It seems to me you wanted to be liked, and you tried everything in your power to get their approval. You were open to self-improvement and wanted to know what you can do better next time:

I wish I was more charming and well received by others

I am the type of person who always appreciate people telling me what I can do better next time,

All I could remember was being there for other people as much as I can and trying to be kind to them.

All the above tells me that you might have fallen into the trap of people pleasing. You wanted to be liked by this social group, who might actually be quite superficial people:

I feel like a lot of my emotions seems deeply tied to things and people that might actually be superficial rather than anything of importance

I don’t know if I am guessing right here?

If so, there is a way out, Jamie. You can learn how to love and respect yourself, so you’re not longing for other people’s approval. You can forge new friendships, from a healthier place: from your true self, not from the people pleasing part of you.

What do you say? Does this ring true?

Dear Jamie,

So, I thank you for reminding this. To like myself is to then be able to learn how to be intimate with others in a way that is healthy, rather than trying to force something out of nothing, if that makes sense.

you’re welcome. It’s good that you’re aware of your people pleasing tendencies and are working on reducing them. Yes, we cannot really be intimate with others and have healthy friendships if we’re not authentic, if we try to mold ourselves into something we believe others want us to be.

The basis for healthy friendship is authenticity – showing up as you are, even if some people don’t like it. And the truth is that we can never be liked by everybody. Even the greatest people are hated by someone… and it’s not their fault, but the fault of those who are judging them unfairly.

It seems you ended up in this group of “friends” who were quite toxic. In the beginning you bonded over the common sentiment about the changes in the online community you belonged to. You shared that sentiment and joined the “rebel” group, so to speak. But as you say, this rebel group was all about gossiping and criticizing the people in the main group.

You said they didn’t have any interest in creating another online community that would meet their needs. And so all their energy went into criticism and crying about the “good old days” instead of creating something productive:

If losing the community was really that important to them, they would have figured out a way to create a new space for the old community to migrate to.

They’re not stupid people, they could have figured out a way to return to the good old days… They simply chose not to.

They were more attached to the identity of being helpless victims to circumstances, rather than doing something productive and positive.

There are people who are very good at criticizing and blaming others, but are not willing to take responsibility for their own happiness. As you say, this group behaved like helpless victims and focused all their energy on criticism and blame. Eventually, you became their target too… it reminds me of sorority groups or high-school groups, where they like to gossip the people outside of their clique. But as soon as a clique member leaves the room, they start gossiping them too. No one is spared (apart of maybe the group leader), because that’s the kind of vibe there…

I don’t know if that was the atmosphere in your group, but it does seem very toxic.

So, perhaps it’s a good thing that I no longer communicate with them. I don’t want to be like them.

Yes, definitely! You don’t need to be liked by that kind of people. You can never please bitter, criticizing people. You don’t need them in your life.

My issue, then, is split into two new issues now: How do I learn to like myself?

Maybe your lack of self-love stems from your childhood, so you’d need to heal those wounds. Healing the inner child who feels unlovable or unworthy might be necessary. If you want more pointers on this, or you’d like to share a little bit about your childhood, I’ll be happy to talk about it.

And secondly, how do I reconcile with squishing the part of me that wants to people please, in a world that has become increasingly individualist and only caring about people who can be of use to others?

Our true self is loving and kind. And naturally, we want to be loving and kind to people. But not at the expense of our true, authentic self. We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves.

You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries. Because there are people out there who will appreciate your kindness, and so, you can open up to them. But at the same time, you need to protect yourself from those who want to take advantage of you.

Happy to talk to you more about all this… and Namaste to you too!

Hi Jamie

Your posts are well written and articulate. It seems to me that within your writing are also your answers? “I enjoy writing” that could be a great place to explore?

Happiness, one of those words with so many associations, something we so badly want to grasp and cling to, where the grasping and clink transforms it into something else… usually not happiness.   The word certainly comes with a lot of baggage let alone when we add the word ‘BUT’.  I want to be happy, but….

I’ve often used that phrase in the past. I want to be happy… but… but I’m afraid to be… but I don’t think I deserve to… but life isn’t how it should be, could be, if only (ego, control)… but I don’t want to be disappointed when the moment of happiness passes….. Have you ever wondered about this one?  I want to be happy… but what if I’m happiest when I’m unhappy?

We are complex simple creatures.  Of course all these notions are stories, perhaps at some level illusions of our own creation. Stories we tell because at some time they are/were useful to us but perhaps now are habit. (A practice of meditation and contemplation can help detach from our habit of thought.)

The task, as you are engaged in, is to look past the stories and words to get to a place where you are (you are never not thier), and from that place find a way to say YES. Yes to yourself, your situation, your emotions, your thoughts, non of which are you. Those are just things you get to experience. The good and the bad, experiences with labels that don’t exist in a world that is non-dual and everything is connected.

If I may a comment on your statement: ” We don’t need to be kind and loving to toxic people, to people who abuse us and put us down. Instead, we need to set boundaries with them. Likewise, we don’t need to be kind to selfish, self-centered people, who only care about themselves. You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries.”

Just something I noticed  with your conclusion “You can be kind and loving, but wisely, with boundaries”.  Implies that creating healthy (wise) boundaries is a act of love and kindness for oneself and the other even those that have hurt us (the other is also ourselves) to which I agree and suggest a path  to become unstuck from your question? To set healthy boundaries with your thoughts, your past, your hopes… is a loving act you can gift yourself? ( Boundaries that don’t require labeling, if only’s , should of, could of… toxic, selfish…. One can set healthy boundaries without labeling)

Happiness I think, like Joy, isn’t something we create but a  something in a moment we get to sometimes experience and if we are wise express our gratitude for, breath in, breath out…

Happiness not something we want (desire) but create space for, no but’s… a extra place setting at the table if you will.

I hope you keep writing