Dear miyoid:

I am looking forward to read and reply to you when I am back to your thread, in about 18 hours from now.

anita

Miyoid

Reading your post I am impressed with quality of your writing, the depth of your feeling , your passion and the colourful interpretation you captured from one simple photo is truly amazing. The pain and pattern of your thought process is so profoundly expressive. I read a book recently by Emily Ruskovich called Idaho, your quality of anguished writing is similar . A terrible beauty fighting to be find meaning, to be understood and ultimately to be loved.

I am dyslexic, I write and cry later when I see my stupid spelling and grammar mistakes, I am always so impressed by people with your talent. Success is a fight to over come your weakness and fears, some say you spend your adult life trying to understand your childhood.  I succeeded in areas I though I was weak, I tried so hard not been seen as stupid I succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. In school teachers would rank us 1 to 48, yes we had 48 pupils in our class room, I was always in the mid 40’s, a few from the bottom. I hated it , this experience added rocket fuel to my drive, my relentless competitive drive … it’s only in recent years I have begun to realise that I have arrived.

You could write a book based on that simple photo posted by the sea side , I suggest you use you deep personal search for meaning to write.

Tony

Dear miyoid:

* The parentheses in the quotes that follow are my inserts where I correct pronouns from I/ myself to she/herself, and adjust verbs to the present tense.

What happens to a child who “wasn’t hated.. just neglected a lot”/ What happens to a child who was “emotionally and physically abandoned by both.. parents several times”, a child who “simply didn’t receive any love” from her father, and the love from her mother was “unpredictable, exists and then disappears”?

She craves affection but she is not “able to create that affection by (herself), and not need it from anyone else”- no child is able to do that, and all children need that affection from someone else.

She needs that affection from someone else, and she will take it from anyone who will offer it. She will take anything that feels like affection. She will “pick whomever that (she) can get affection from. (She) crave(s) the affection, not the person”.

She waits in her room, or in the apartment of her mother, or father, “alone and hopeless… depressed… hopeless.. sad… rarely happy”, anxiously waiting for any one of her parents to return and attend to her. When a parent appears, she is joyful and hopeful. When the parent shows her some affection, she experiences “the only moments (of) joy, peace and happiness.. with them”.

But too quickly, she “worr(ies) about losing that affection.. that person”. She was left before, she fears she will be left again, and indeed, she is left again, and again.

Waiting, she is hoping that “stuff change”, that soon she will “finally get the love (she) need(s)”.Waiting, no one is there to notice her “anxiety attacks, sometimes not so severe… suffering, mental breakdowns”. Not noticed for too long, she finally gives up on being seen and heard, and she keeps “(her) feelings to (herself)”,”distracting (herself) best she can, “a jack of all trades, master of none.. distracting”.

She sees her parents in pain, and her empathy is with her parents. She “feel(s) sorry for them, (she) feels compassion and mercy. (She) wish(es) (she) could’ve make their lives better”. She doesn’t want to add to their pain, so she hides her own pain from them, “never (shows) them the hurt version of (herself)… don’t want to give them another subject to be sorry about”. She (doesn’t) ever think (she’s) worthy of stuff like that”, like consistent, dependable affection.

She wants “to solve (her) problem on (her) own”, and she dreams of “solv(ing) it with a partner”, a love partner, a partner who will love her.

She dreams of when she will be loved, she imagines that one day, she’ll “get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like (her), she’ll find someone to be companions.. and (she’ll) be safe, eventually”. These imaginings, this hope motivates her “to hold on, study”…

Studying hard, trying hard, she accomplishes things but none of those things are the affection she desperately craves, and the safety she craves, within that affection, and so, she “always (feels) that something (is) missing, and “that mental abyss (keeps) growing”.

Waiting, distracting and achieving, she never gets the affection and safety she desperately needs, she is never able to relax long enough so to experience life as an adventure; she doesn’t get the opportunity to learn about herself, about what she needs. She has no “clue about what (she) wants in life and in a person/ relationship”, she has “no idea what would make (her) happy”, other than the affection and safety she has desperately needed all along.

Waiting, she is frozen in time, frozen in the craving for affection. She is “stuck… (never) satisfied with what (she does).. don’t know where (she’ll) go, don’t know where (she’s) standing”. She “cannot dream… cannot make plans… terrified of getting things to (herself).. or even just being there”. She is afraid to always be there waiting for that affection, her life on hold until that time comes.

anita

Dear miyoid:

“I saw a former friend of mine sharing a photo on the sea-side, getting sunbathed. The photo was so sincere, nothing like a pose or something”- photos capture people’s lives during a split of a second. Her sincere expression in the photo lasted more than the split second though, it probably lasted for a minute, or a few minutes. When we look at a photo, the image can stay in our brains for hours, days and even decades, but for the person photographed, the moment captured.. was only a moment, long gone.

“She can enjoy things… she can actually enjoy just being present… she was brought up to be this way, she was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family”- this reminds me of a person I communicated with at great lengths, for years. From her photos with her rich family and friends, doing their expensive outings and travels around the world, you’d think that she was able to enjoy herself. At times she did enjoy herself, but those times were short lived and rare. Most often and every day, she is a very anxious person, not able to live in the present- her mind rushing, tortured.

Looking at her photos, even seeing them all in real-life, you wouldn’t know her mental torture, discontent and misery. There is a difference between Appearances and Reality- what appears is far from being necessarily so.

“(she is)., able to work remotely.. while I’ve been looking for and being rejected for the companies I want and also her being able to do lots of stuff I cannot do just out of nepotism… I didn’t even plan a one-day holiday for myself.. I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to stand still. I did want to find something, accomplish more and more… That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy  of stuff like that… I am a jealous person when it comes to achievements”-

– I will not argue with nepotism, of course, it is Reality, as are inequalities and injustices of all kinds.

I think that the reason that you can’t or will not stand still, that you have “to find something, accomplish more and more” is because you have nothing to depend on (“I always felt the need to depend on someone but I couldn’t find anyone”. June 2019).

Without anyone to depend on, to hold on to, if you stand still- you will fall, or so it feels, doesn’t it? I think that the reason you chase accomplishments and relationships is so to depend on something/ to hold on to something/ to not fall into what you referred to previously as a “mental abyss”

“Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns“- the italicized is what I refer to as falling, falling into that mental abyss. Standing still while not in a relationship, and/ or not achieving… means to fall. Or so it feels.

“I have to be in a place where even when I have nothing to do, I can feel content by myself”- you will be able to feel content by yourself, standing still,  when you learn that you will not fall if you stand still, that.. you did not actually fall before- it only felt that way:  the mental abyss was not a physical abyss.

In your most recent post you wrote: “I guess I’ll try to see that friend I’ve mentioned. Even though all the things she’ll talk about would hurt me..  maybe I’ll come clean about my feelings… I don’t know if talking or even meeting with her is the right choice”-  seems to me that talking with her is the wrong choice because (a) it will hurt you to listen to her talk about her fortune, I imagine, honestly or not (b) you referred to her earlier as a former friend, and you didn’t mention the two of you had a meaningful friendship, so I imagine there is no meaningful friendship to resurrect (c) you don’t owe her or anyone to “come clean” about your feelings. Your feelings are not bad, need not be confessed, not a crime.. your feelings are your business, not hers.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by .

Dear miyoid:

My goodness, you are referring to the powerful 6.6 or 6.9 magnitude earthquake that hit Friday Oct 30, eight days ago. The death toll has been rising every day since. I read that the country where you live/ where the earthquake hit,  is “infamous for poor quality construction”. If it is true (?) I wish the government mandated and enforced construction regulations that will save lives when future earthquakes hit. I am guessing that in choosing an apartment to live, checking the safety of the building construction is, or should be first priority.

I read somewhere, on the experience: “a video showed a female rescuer trying to calm down the 16 year old girl under the rubble as she inserted a catheter. ‘I am so scared,’ the girl cried. ‘Can you hold my hand? ‘We are going to get out of here soon,’ the rescuer, Edanur Dogan, said. ‘Your mother is waiting outside for you'”-

– a mother, in a child’s mind and heart, is Safety/Security/Calm. But for too many of us, you and I included, the safety we felt with her was gone too soon, when we were still young children, not equipped to feel safe on our own/ without her.

You wrote: “I  cannot choose between what should I want… I cannot even say ‘pick something’ here, I’m saying ‘(pick) stuff’ which is plural. I’m very diffused.”- a child who lost her mother too soon as a source of safety becomes diffused, scattered, dispersed, unfocused, as a result. It takes a childhood feeling of safety, for the thoughts to slow down and for the brain to be able to focus.

“Maybe if I can choose a direction, then that direction will help me to stand still”- problem is that a person has to stand still before the person is able to choose a direction. First, stand still; second- choose a direction.

“I have to accept that my decisions are also renunciations and grow up a bit”- a child who did not receive that most needed feeling of safety at home, does not grow out of that experience simply because time passes and the body grows. After all, a child’s brain cells that hold that unsafe experience- do not shed and new brain cells replace the old. As adults we carry our childhood brain cells.

“if I choose one (career), then I’ll regret that I’m no master of the other ones”- there is fear involved in your thinking here, a fear of missing out on X if you choose Y, and missing out on X feels dangerous.

“I continuously focus on what people have and what I have not”- I think of this as the misery of the unlucky child that you were, wishing you were someplace else, some other people’s child.

“Recently, we’ve experienced an earthquake that killed at least 100 people… One feels guilty to be in a good situation by chance while some people waited for hours even days under the debris”- imagine what someone under the debris might think and feel about the lucky others who were not injured- that’s similar to the child that you were, emotionally injured and in pain, looking at others who were the lucky ones.

“I was scared for my life and actually shocked how I was able to make my life hell when I was actually luckier than lots of people… very greedy”- you were luckier in the context of this earthquake, but not in the context of your childhood. When a significant emotional injury happens in childhood, the adult keeps re-living his/ her childhood injury. It is not that you chose to make your life hell (or that you are greedy), an adult naturally and automatically re-lives a painful childhood.

You shared about your live-in boyfriend “(he) stopped using his antipsychotic drugs for just 2 days to feel more awake in case there would be more earthquakes. This made him worse and worse, resulting in him wanting to be hospitalized so that he won’t hurt anybody around him. He was attacking himself during the episodes and the ER gave him tranquilizers… that was the first time I actually got scared of losing him fully. Either to the ER or rehab or to suicide eventually”-

– your life at home, as a child, must have been, for you- very chaotic, very unsafe. Fast forward, living with a man whose behavior is chaotic and dangerous.. is not so different from what you experienced as a child, you are used to it, and so, you tolerate it. (Living with a man like your boyfriend, would be very scary for a woman who had a safe childhood experience, so scary that she will not tolerate it).

“So these two events on top of each other was really a reality check for me… I needed a reminder to realize how ignorant I was”- as powerful as your experience of the earthquake and your boyfriend’s most recent mental mental-quake, these experiences, for you, are less powerful, over time, than your painful childhood experience.

Like you, I was diffused too, unable to choose, so much so, that I felt paralyzed in front of an ice-cream shop, unable to choose a flavor. Bigger choices were even harder to make, so I didn’t choose, I let random circumstances choose for me. The solution to this diffusion is to heal from one’s personal childhood injury, there is no other way.

anita