Dear Kshitij:

I had some thoughts this morning about the relationship of Anger and Ruminating/ Intrusive Thinking; the role of anger that’s repressed (subconsciously pushed down, without awareness) and suppressed (consciously pushed down, with awareness). I thought of Anger being to Intrusive Thoughts like Fuel to a fire.

And so, I re-read much of what you shared since Feb 18 (almost 4 months ago). Following are quotes from what you shared since April 10, followed by my comments and a practical suggestion. Please read, if you will, this long post when you have the time and do so patiently. (All your words included in the quotes are important. What I boldface are some of the words that show me that your anger exists in the present time):

“I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am, apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. He would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did… My father would project his anger towards… my grandfather (to) me… At times it felt that he was not eve considering me as an individual person, and just as a copy of my grandfather… he did have a problem with me not being ‘like’ him, in my thoughts, actions, behavior and other things. One reason he acts differently towards my younger brother is because he probably sees himself in his personality, he finds a similarity…. Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment, and that happens even now when I think about a past situation, or hypothesize about a future confrontation. It leads me to rage fits at times, although I am usually a calm person. If I remember correctly, back when I was a kid/teenager, there used to be times when I would be filled with rage, despair and frustration and I would cry myself to sleep…

“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling. Even today before writing this post I had one such instance of rumination which led to me getting enraged over him again. I was at home for a few weeks in March-April and I had a few situations with him, so my thoughts have become more frequent since then…

“I am trying to process the childhood trauma, meditation and journaling are helping me in at least keeping my mental peace and not letting my past memories and rage subsume me completely. I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today… Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time…

“I feel emotionally exhausted by having either intrusive or enraged thoughts… I had to bear up with a lot of ‘sermons’ from him, criticisms and disapprovals from other members of my family; I began focusing too much on ‘achieving’ things, in pursuit of ‘showing everyone’ what I could do through my decisions and career. Now I see, this showed up in my workaholism and my desire for external achievements and approvals… I think that is one area where my father’s past behavior definitely impacted me because it had already damaged my self-esteem as a child. It felt comforting to type down all these things…

“Being enraged for a considerable time of the day is indeed exhausting, I was in a loop of enraging memories a few minutes ago as well. It becomes very difficult to not let the emotions take over, it is even interfering with my studies at time. On your reply dated 20th May- the officer certainly did that because they wanted to, it was completely intentional. I could see other applicants getting their files approved with ease, and even after submitting the required clarification multiple times, they just didn’t let my application proceed. The more I tried, the more personal it became for them. I don’t know why they did all that, but it was unjust, it felt cruelly unfair. I  agree that there was some unresolved anger because I took that anger on myself. I was frustrated, frustrated to the melting point, and I took that frustration on myself. It felt that I was taking some revenge by hurting myself. I can remember this because during that time, I simply refused self-care or any help, I began developing an apathy towards myself, believing inside that why should I put my efforts when all things have to happen this way. A part of my intrusive thoughts are about self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations and a desire for numbness… It was a point when I began feeling anger towards life itself, because all I could feel was despair, defeat and hopelessness, I felt so much for pity for myself for having to face all this.  I would like to know more about solving this unresolved anger... It’s been pointed out to me by some of my closest people that I do have a habit of self-loathing“.

My comments (all quotes in this section are taken from the above): your father’s criticism of you was severe, in objective terms. I can tell how severe he was in his criticisms by how severely his criticisms affected you for all the years of your life so far. What fueled his severe, very harsh criticisms has been his rage (intense anger) at his father, rage that he projected into you. You did nothing to deserve his rage. You were the victim. He victimized you.

As a child, you naturally felt hurt and angry about how terribly wrong his behavior was. You naturally ruminated about the severe criticisms and rumination prolonged your anger, back then, as a child, and since then: “Since childhood I would use to ruminate over incidents of his unkind treatment, and that happens even now.. It leads me to rage fits at times, although I am usually a calm person“- I suppose you are usually a cam person not because of absent anger, but because of repressed anger.

“At times these memories and thoughts lead me to rage fits, where my anger just seems to be like boiling“- at times, your repressed anger (hidden below your awareness), and suppressed anger (which you intentionally push down, when you do) rises up to the surface, flooding your awareness with overwhelming rage and other very difficult emotions.

At times, your anger is directed at your father but I don’t think you expressed it to him, overtly. So much valid/ understandable anger not expressed, what happens to it? It’s gets misdirected against the self: “I do have a habit of self-loathing“.

Anger is an energy in motion, it moves, and it has to have the body move with it (moving the body to say something or do something). When the anger is pushed down (not saying anything, not doing anything: no external expression), it keeps moving below the surface, creating internal distress: depression, despair and other very difficult emotional experiences.

A practical suggestion: express the rage safely, in small, controlled portions (so that you don’t get overwhelmed). Perhaps here, in your thread, by typing away angry letters to your father (such that at this point at least, you will not be sending him). Perhaps hitting a pillow at home. Express the anger: let it move from inside of you to the outside, move through your fingers typing a letter to him, and/ or through your hands hitting a pillow.

Through safe, adequate expression (perhaps in talk therapy as well), you will be free from repressed and suppressed anger, and your internal distress, including ruminating and intrusive thinking, will lessen and lessen until gone.

anita