Hi Sarah,

I have been through several similar situations. What I have learned most recently (since basically the same thing happened that youre going through) is that this keeps reoccurring because I have not solved the root of the problem. When we place our worth on someone else- then we get ‘rejected’ – it hurts so badly because there is some type of void there already. I know you stated its still bothering you and you are ruminating on what you could have done differently. There is nothing you can do to fix the past. All you can do is learn how to be authentic and loving to yourself in the future. Consider him a lesson, and I am sending you positive vibes. I sure know the feeling and I know how hard it is!

Sarah, I believe that relationships are self-selecting, i.e. if it does not work out then there is a good reason for it.  It does suck when the other person does the breaking up though.

Each relationship and the breakup is a learning experience for me.  It not only tells a lot about the other person but it reveals my own reaction to it.  I notice which areas of pain gets touched on, what hot buttons were pushed, and why I chose such a person for their revealed and then-hidden characteristics and qualities.

Each time I get to be more mindful about those areas of myself that need to be healed, to be paid attention to.  Relationships give me opportunities to discern more, to pay attention more, to address how I can be more compassionate… with myself and with the other.

Take care,

Mark

How long was the long term relationship? How many dates since then? How long have you actually been single since then? Just trying to work out if you’ve actually connected with yourself enough. And with regards to a serious relationship; what exactly is it for you? Where you both make plans together. Not 1 m ore than the other. Where even when 1 of you doesn’t have experience with plans (thinking and organising), but is driven to get better with some aspects that stop it all being down to the other… To create something you can both share. Something that enhances life in general. Because after all; love is the most important aspect in this life. But if we haven’t attuned that concept within ourselves to begin with, then we’re going to fail. But failure is just a way of learning. As long as you do actually learn from it all. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional. As long as you can understand why you’re being emotional. What has caused it. And as long as you don’t react to or with it. I guess this is where meditation and mindfulness come in to help us. Try to calm your mind. Maybe imagine talking to him in person. Pouring out your thoughts and emotions. Maybe write it all down. So that you can take an outsider’s perspective  just so you can understand yourself a bit more. But i guess because you told him you do want a serious relationship and he reciprocated, doesn’t mean that is what he wanted. Maybe he didn’t truly know what he wanted. Maybe he still doesn’t. But until he thinks about it, maybe all your efforts aren’t going to help. Which is why talking to others and writing things down just helps release it. You women do mature mentally faster than us men as well. Took me having a brain injury and being in a relationship with a woman who is 11 years older to help me to mature and get to grips with some of these aspects. When life, us and our minds become more than just the words we translate some of these complicated areas .

But please don’t hate yourself or think negatively about the situation. Easier said than done i know only too well. But these are more than just words. Some of my own personal experience. But i’m still learning too. Just see it is a small chapter in your life. If you want my advice, maybe have some time to yourself. How much i don’t know exactly, as i don’t know you. But if you went straight from a long term relationship into dating, then it really is best to actually have some time to yourself. Regain love with yourself. But if you already have, then just try to understand the other person first. This does require time. And maybe this other person isn’t even at the right stage in his life for you. But maybe it will help him too. Just try to calm your emotions and if possible then get to know him better. He may not even know himself completely so that does make it more difficult too. Life is difficult as it is without having to help another who doesn’t even try to help you in the process. But if neither of you have completely connected with yourselves to begin with, then that causes even more to work with. Am i now making it more than what it is? Sorry if i am

Dear Sarah:

On page two of your thread you wrote: “I keep ruminating on all the things I should have done differently to ‘keep’ him. Any advice on that?”- same advice as I gave you earlier on your thread: be real from the very beginning of a relationship, not viewing your participation in it as a performance aimed at keeping a man interested, but view it as you being real and him being real, connecting gradually.

Find the middle way between playing it cool and acting overly emotional, act authentically, assertively.

I hope your relationship break is a time of rest and revival for you, that clarity of thinking will result.

anita

Dear Sarah:

You wrote on the previous page of your thread: “I tend to act cool at first, then kind of ‘blow up’ with emotion. I’m usually attracted to very laid back, outgoing and charismatic guys, I’m the opposite of that.”

Before he texted you “out of nowhere” the other night, maybe he remembered that cool person you were with him at first, missing that person, so he texted you. Later he remembered that angry person you were later on, the one that stressed him (his words as you reported earlier), so he lost interest.

anita

Dear Sarah:

You are welcome. The opportunity for a loving relationship is probably in the next relationship, with someone new, a relationship in which you will do your part in increasing the chances of it being the relationship you need it to be, from evaluating the man over time, getting to know him before getting too emotionally invested, to taking the  middle-way between acting cool and  blowing up with emotions, that is communicating honestly, gradually opening  up, bit  by bit as you get to  know him.

anita