December 14, 2017 at 9:20 am #182145
Hi everyone. I just need someone to talk to.
I’m in a relationship for 12 years. Long distance for 9 years before moving in together. Things had been great until we stayed together.
I loved her very much. I gave everything to her. And all i hope in return in her attention, her willingness to sacrifice for me, to set me as her priority. Just to give me 100% as i do.
But she can’t. I understand that we both need time to adapt to one another, so i discussed with her, telling her about my needs, my expectations. But what i received in return is her anger, blaming me for being inconsiderate. It seems that we always can’t have a proper, two ways discussion on our problems. It always ended up with her crying, screaming or refusing to talk to me.
So in the end, i told her i want to break up. She refused, she cried and begged to be given a second chance. Since then, she’d changed. She did everything things i asked for. All the things that she claimed impossible, she did every single thing. (FYI, it’s not something weird, dangerous, sexual or against the law.)
And I’m not one bit happy. I know i should be happy, I’ve gotten what i asked for. But no. I can’t stop thinking, why. Why does she need to force me to break up with her, only then she’s willing to change. Why is it when i told her nicely, discussed with her nicely, she can’t take it. Why must she yell and cried then? Why?
I think damage has been done. My feelings towards her is no longer the same. But i just don’t have the guts to break up with her. I feel bad for her, for us. We went through together a lot. 12 years. Sometime i hate her for what we are today. Sometime i blame myself for being selfish. I’m confuse and depressed. Now I’m stuck, in both present and past. When i thought of the past, all the promises, I’m hurt deep inside. But i really don’t know how can i move on or start over with her. I really don’t know. I’m just so confused.December 14, 2017 at 9:35 am #182151AnonymousGuest
You wrote that she did, eventually, everything you asked for. What those things are, I don’t know. You wrote that those things are not “weird, dangerous, sexual, or against the law”- but what are they?
Knowing what those things are and what were her arguments against doing those things are important for me to understand your post. Perhaps share one or two of those things here?
anitaDecember 14, 2017 at 10:15 am #182153
Thank you Anita for replying….
Well, they are Just simple little things like:
1) replying my messages (she often gone MIA for more than 7 hours, which is impossible cuz you have toilet break, lunch break and etc) yeah, nw she texts me, hourly.
2) don’t start shouting and crying whenever we are having discussion on our problem.(she said she can’t control it, this is her way and I’m being selfish for asking her not to cry)
3) don’t get upset with me so easily (especially during her period). I have never seen her got angry with her friends. She got angry easily and told me that it’s uncontrollable. For example once my worktable was messy cuz i had to rush a project that night, and she complained to me about it. So i told her nicely that I’m busy, I’m in a rush, i got back home by 9pm and since you are home by 2pm,can’t you help me to tidy it. And tada, she’s upset and refused to talk to me the whole night.
4) setting me as her priority. Once i hurt my leg so bad and i couldn’t drive and i asked her to come and get me. But she was having lunch with her friends and she can’t come immediately because to her it was rude to leave. So i ended waiting for almost 2 hours.
I could go on and on but i hope you get the gist.December 14, 2017 at 10:31 am #182155AnonymousGuest
I read your recent post and re-read your original post. It is my understanding that the reason you are unhappy with her changed behavior is that you are concerned with her motivation, not her behavior.
Her original motivation was selfish, self centered, rude. Unloving. She changed her behavior when she was about to lose what she considers beneficial to her. What motivated her to change her behavior was her benefit, not yours. This is the same motivation she had before she changed her behavior.
Problem is, her motivation now is as it was before: her own benefit while your benefit does not concern her. If I was you, and if my understanding is correct, I wouldn’t be happy either.
This change of behavior is not reliable as it is likely to last until she feels safe with you. For example, if the two of you have a child, and that causes her to feel that you will not leave her, she is likely to return to her old behaviors, or come up with new behaviors just as selfish as the old ones.
She may return to her old behaviors when a new distress appears in her life and she… forgets about the previous distress (fearing to lose you).
What do you think/ feel?
anitaDecember 14, 2017 at 10:40 am #182159
You are absolutely right. That’s what i have in mind. I don’t feel appreciated.
The problem is I find it hard to let her go… It’s hurt to stay, but it hurt even more to leave. When I see her sad, I feel bad… What would you do Anita?December 14, 2017 at 10:58 am #182163AnonymousGuest
If this is who she is, this is what motivates her on an ongoing basis, then what I would do is terminate the relationship as soon as possible. Reasons:
* her likelihood to return to old selfish behaviors or start new (to you) selfish behaviors.
* I would hate to have a selfish woman be the mother of my children (if that was a plan, to have children), that wouldn’t make her a good mother.
* I wouldn’t be able to … forget or ignore what I know: that I don’t matter to her, that my benefit is not of her concern. This would make me miserable in the relationship regardless of her behaviors. I wouldn’t trust the loving-like behaviors to be indeed, loving.
Regarding you not wanting to hurt her- this is your empathy for her. Notice this: everyone hurts, good and bad people experience pain. It is understandable that you don’t want her to hurt even if she doesn’t mind it when you hurt… but does this mean that if she let’s say beat you up with a baseball bat every morning, that you wouldn’t end the relationship, not wanting to hurt her?
I assume your answer is that you would end the relationship if she beat you up daily with a baseball bat, even though it will hurt her feelings.
Why would you not end the relationship if she only makes you miserable, if staying with her “only” makes you confused and depressed and stuck and so unhappy?
anitaDecember 14, 2017 at 11:13 am #182169AnonymousGuest
In case you reply to my latest post to you, I will be back at the computer in about sixteen hours or so and reply to you further.
anitaDecember 15, 2017 at 3:29 am #182283PoppyxoParticipant
I agree with Anita. If she cannot sit down & have a successful conversation with you then I feel like there is a very small chance of this relationship lasting. What happens when you have children & for example you disagree with the way she has disciplined them, so you mention this to her (in a positive way) & she gets angry, starts crying, disagrees with you heavily & nothing get resolved? You’ll end up feeling resentful, so will she, the children will pick up on it & possibly use this form of communication (or non-communication) when they grow up, transferring this negative way of communicating. Even if you don’t have children, you’ll both end up feeling resentful because she will feel attacked & you won’t feel heard.December 15, 2017 at 5:20 am #182331
You asked, “Why would you not end the relationship if she only makes you miserable, if staying with her “only” makes you confused and depressed and stuck and so unhappy?”
I really don’t know. I know i should just cut the ties. But the feelings are holding me back. 12 years of being together. Today i went to my new house, and i saw the furniture that we chose, the kitchen that we designed, every little thing make me sad. We were so close to marriage. I feel horrible for leaving her, for making her sad. But in my head I’m aware, she made me this way.
Thanks for taking time to read and reply. Yes i do agree with Anita too. You are right too. But it’s just hard to let go.December 15, 2017 at 6:30 am #182337PoppyxoParticipant
Of course, it would be. 12 years is a long time. It doesn’t necessarily mean this has to be the end, does it? Would you consider a life together if you could sort out your differences, or not?December 15, 2017 at 6:37 am #182339AnonymousGuest
We are rational and emotional beings. To be wise, consider both: logic and emotion. The thought of ending the relationship makes you feel sad. Continuing the relationship because of this sadness will be considering only the emotion. On the other hand, incorporating logic would mean thinking this way: continuing the relationship will make me more sad.
And so, your choice is between Sad-now or More sad later, more sad, more distressed, more troubled.
It is a shame that you had a … not so close relationship of twelve years with her. Not so close, I wrote, because you didn’t learn who she is until you moved in together. But now that you have learned, will you ignore what you learned?
anitaJanuary 22, 2018 at 2:06 pm #188177MarkParticipant
You will be living a dishonest life if you stayed with her. You are lying to her. You will be staying with her out of pity. What sort of relationship is that, for you and for her?January 22, 2018 at 2:23 pm #188181BuddiParticipant
I gave everything to her. And all i hope in return in her attention, her willingness to sacrifice for me, to set me as her priority. Just to give me 100% as i do.
OakPine – What exactly did you ask her to do? (her willingness to sacrifice for me) , you cant make someone do something and if the other person is not on board they are going to tell you the best way they can that they are not going to do what is asked of them.
I know people who have been married for 17 year and parted ways coz they stopped feeling for each other so what is stopping you? Sometimes its scary for a gal to accept changes have you thought of that and may be when she realized she was going to loose you she had to come on board.
Asking someone to make you a priority is a huge deal. This does not have to get ugly, if you are not happy let her go and tell her the truth.January 23, 2018 at 11:19 am #188313looking4hopeParticipant
Reading your post reminds me of my situation. Let me give you a perspective from the other end. Now each relationship and person is different, I can’t speak for yours and your partner’s.
I was that other person, taking my partner for granted. We spoke numerous times regarding these issues, I knew what I was doing was wrong and knew that it was hurting him but I couldn’t change my ways no matter how much I wanted to . I hated myself everyday for taking advantage of him and for being the source of unhappiness to him. Don’t get me wrong, we had good days but there could have been much more. I cared for him is the bottom line. I went to seek help, jumped through counselling and concluded after close to a year that I was depressed. I have been my whole life but didn’t think that my short fuse was related to depression. I got the help I needed finally and started to get better. I was able to be the better partner for him but I think it was too late. He, like you said, resented me for all the years we could have had. He didn’t see me the way he use to.
I wished it was just a simple break, to clear our heads. We both had issues, but we were never on the same page mentally when we had our discussions about them.
I couldn’t see clearly before, I knew what I was doing but I couldn’t make the changes I wanted to for him. Being on medication allowed me to think clearly in general and put to practice all the skills I learnt to be a better partner. I lost him, I never pictured a life without him and my changes are too late. I can only offer to be friends and in turn hope to make the changes for myself that initially were meant for him. Don’t think that her actions now are not genuine, I regretted a lot of the things I didn’t do or did do. If we had the time apart I think I would have seen it more clearly by having a break than a break up. Communication is the key, when both parties are listening. Talk it out, make sure both parties know what they want and what they expect out of the relationship and what’s at steak. I wished we had talked it out much more prior to his decision. That’s my experience…
Good luck and know that you aren’t alone.January 23, 2018 at 12:17 pm #188333ElianaParticipant
I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you know if she has been diagnosed with any type of mental health diagnosis? It sounds as if she might look into clinical anxiet depression and anxiety screening. Especially, if she started recently acting like this during your 12 years together. One minute she she is loving, the next she is not. I feel professional counseling, or stress management/coping skills might help..medication treatment program. Any thoughts? Please post again..