I don’t normally sign up to forums to discuss my problems but I guess maybe this is an easier way to talk about my problems and frustrations. I just find it difficult to talk about things that aren’t so good in my life. Here goes nothing.

Life has been pretty uneventful for me ever since I graduated from university last September. The big wide scary world awaits. I have been unemployed for most of that time and it has been rather frustrating to say the least. Applying for loads of jobs when more often than not, recruiters don’t even get back to me or when they do it’s only to email me that my application has been unsuccessful. I have had job interviews, but I’ve been unsuccessful either because I don’t have the relevant experience, some recruiters have just straight-up told me I was overqualified (their words, not mine), the shifts clashed with other commitments or they simply hired somebody else instead. I have to tell myself sometimes that I shouldn’t take this personally because recruiters and companies are under no obligation whatsoever to hire me. But I keep asking myself, why do I still feel bad when this happens? Why do I still hold these unreasonable expectations that I deserve and expect to have whatever job I have applied for? Why do I keep beating myself up (figuratively speaking) for failing job interviews and making an absolute prat of myself? (A lot of nervous erm….errrrs…and hmmmmms at job interviews) Why do I feel like I’m worthless and not good enough?

Then, of course is the obligatory having to tell the parents, grandmother and friends that I didn’t get whatever job I had applied for. Cue the expressions of sympathy and “Oh well, better luck next time.” I hate that. Having to eat humble pie to soothe my wounded pride. I don’t want sympathy. I begin to feel even more like I’m not good enough. Sometimes I don’t like going out to socialize with one particular group of friends because they talk about how well they are doing with their new jobs and I feel really inferior to them. I also sometimes feel like I’m a huge burden to my parents and immediate family and that they resent me. Sometimes my younger sibling makes passive-aggressive comments about this which I just feel irritated by, and feeling even more worthless. People just say “Oh you should apply to such-and-such” or “you should do this” or “you should be more confident” (like I haven’t already thought about that…) I don’t want people to think I’m some kind of deadbeat but there are times when I feel like I am one…

I have been trying to keep busy and do things that could potentially benefit my future career – I’ve been taking night classes to gain a qualification in teaching. After graduation, I was skeptical about finding work in the illustration/art industry because it is very hard to break into, so I thought adult education and becoming an art teacher would be a better choice. Those that can’t do, teach. I’ve also been doing volunteer work at a public library – it’s great to get out of the house but I still can’t help but still feel unfulfilled. Volunteer work is great, I’ve been volunteering for a few different causes since I left secondary school and I definitely recommend it but I feel that I need to be doing paid employment.

I thought my luck was about to change a few months ago when I applied for a teaching job in another country – teaching English at a school. I got the job and I was so happy about it. I had to stay with a host-family and I thought things went really well to start off with. They had promised to do lots of fun things together and to take me to some Easter festival but when that happened, the whole family just left without me and just left me in the house all day while they went out and did whatever it was they were doing which I felt a bit miffed about. It got to the point where I wasn’t really enjoying staying with them and I was constantly on edge that they didn’t like me and they were beginning to resent me. There was also the fact that this was the first time being on my own in a foreign country with no other native English speakers around and I just felt isolated most of the time. I also happen to be an introvert – when the need arises, I have no problem speaking out in front of other people to do presentations – I had to teach loud schoolkids and nosy noisy teenagers. This drained a lot of my energy and after a day of trying to teach, the last thing I want to be doing is making meaningless small talk or watching things which have absolutely no interest to me on the television with the rest of the family. It got to the point where they were constantly complaining to my manager and the program co-ordinator that I wasn’t talking to them enough or involving myself – to put it simply, they wanted out of the program, there were no other accommodation arrangements so my time there was finished. Okay, maybe there was a lack of communication – I felt lonely, burned-out and there was of course the language barrier. But I felt like I had been personally attacked, stabbed in the back. On the last day, the family didn’t even make any effort to try and explain why they felt what they felt, all they said was “It’s nothing personal.”

They had their moments – I thought they were nice people when I first met them. They had put a roof over my head, drove me to the school and back every day and cooked really nice food for me. Maybe I could have made more of an effort to express gratitude. Maybe there were times when I took them for granted. Maybe this whole thing was my fault. Maybe me and the family just didn’t match. But why do I still feel angry and bitter about this whole thing? It’s been two months since and in my mind sometimes it’s like I’m internally replaying everything that happened on a repeat loop. I start with this whole “everything should have gone my way” mentality – I had built up expectations about this placement, that I was going to have a blast, finish the placement and that it would open doors for me. By being dismissed from the program due to irreconcilable differences with the family, I sometimes feel that they had completely destroyed this and it’s all their fault. I feel angry that all they could say was “It’s nothing personal” when it felt nothing but too personal, and that they left it to somebody else to drop the bombshell. I was out of a job and I needed that money to repay my dad back for the flight.

I wanted to travel. Over the past year I built up this fantasy about travelling and working in as many different countries as I can and seeing all of these great things. I’m not sure if this is what I want anymore. Maybe I only felt these things because life at home without a job and without purpose is boring, and travelling would be a great escape from all of these feelings of insecurity and emptiness that I have. It would almost be like escaping from myself which sounds contradictory, I know.

I returned home – cue an entire extra-large portion of humble pie, having to tell people why I have returned so soon and that it didn’t work out, like most other things in my life. It felt great to be back at home – I surrounded myself with my aunt and cousins and we would watch the art and craft channels and laugh at obscene jokes – it was great, I hadn’t laughed so much in ages. But every time I returned home to go to bed, more instant replays of what happened and the seething resentment would flood back. More internal home-movies of what happened, and sometimes I would imagine things that should have happened – like I should have done things differently, or I should have really been more angry at them. And then more home-movies but this time I’m imagining all of these really toxic, vindictive, vengeful, spiteful ways in which I bring about their downfall. Also, more feelings of unworthiness and frustration and emptiness because essentially I’m back to square one, unemployed. This has been going on in my mind for two months now.

I know – it seems absolutely ridiculous to harbour grudges against people you’ve only known for two months and are based in a different country. I know that thinking horrible things about other people is bad, and I’m led to believe that I’m a horrible person for thinking these things. I would never act upon the vengeful thoughts I have – I know that revenge does not make you feel better, nor does it make you a better person.

If there is one thing this whole thing has taught me, it’s that people are under no obligation to give you what you want and sometimes our plans just go down the sink.

I’m still angry about the whole affair, but I’m starting to think that maybe the person I am most angry with is myself.

I’m not sure about why I am writing all of this – just letting it all out feels cathartic. Writing about this for some reason makes my problems and frustrations seem a lot less than I perceive them to be. Just writing about this, some of the problems I have written about seem quite ridiculous now.

I need to try and see things objectively – I’ve identified the problems I’m having and when this happens I feel as though I have moved beyond it, let it go and I can move on.

But if there is one burning question I want to ask – it’s this. When you feel as though you have gotten over something bad, why is it sometimes that this problem you thought you had exorcised comes back to bite you further down the line, and that you are feeling all of this anger and resentment again as though it all happened only a few hours ago? How do people truly move on from all of this?

How does one stop taking things personally?

I would be really interested in anybodys thoughts on the subject.