Dear Hello,

you are very welcome! I am glad you’ve decided to ask for a divorce because unfortunately, based on everything you’ve said, your husband seems to only want to control you, put you down and punish you for your past mistakes. According to him, you should always feel bad about yourself, completely disregarding that it was before the two of you met, and that you’ve changed since, and never ever cheated on him throughout the course of your marriage.

He feels betrayed, although you’ve never betrayed him. You only haven’t disclosed certain information which you weren’t too proud of, but which were not relevant for your marriage, because you had realized by then that you made a mistake and would never do such a thing again.

So you weren’t obliged to tell him, because you left your past behind. However, as anita noticed, he hasn’t done the same: he is still in touch with the woman he cheated his first wife with, and has a tinder app which he refuses to delete. So while he is judging you for your “unforgivable transgressions” in the past, he is in fact disrespecting you and possibly even cheating on you right now, as we speak. That’s what a hypocrite would do.

Now I understand why you didn’t have the strength till now to put those ultimatums into practice, i.e. to leave when he refused to delete the app. It’s because he was guilt-tripping you for your past mistakes, making you feel like a bad person, and you partially believed him (he’s been such a master at making me feel like such a low person and bad guy that I’ve questioned this.)

Probably that’s the reason you’ve missed the red flags or looked away: because he was putting you down all the time and perhaps you (or a part of you) felt like you don’t deserve better. So you endured his abuse… sometimes protesting (giving him “ultimatums”), but eventually doing nothing to change the situation, accepting more of his abuse and disrespect.

Well, I am so glad that this has changed now, that you’ve grown so much personally and spiritually that you don’t want to tolerate his abuse any longer.

I’m very excited about letting go of this marriage , learning from it and living in peace.

I can imagine you’re excited, because you finally see things clearly, and you also know you did everything in your power to make your marriage better, but he was unwilling. He really just wanted to manipulate you and punish you, feeling like a piece of trash… so that he could control you. It was a power game. I am so glad you’re getting out of it!

As anita said, equip yourself with a good legal counsel because narcissists can be nasty when they are broken up with. He might seek revenge in some way, so please be prepared for some more nastiness on his part. But you’ve grown so much, you’re much stronger now, so he shouldn’t be able to intimidate you. Know that you’re right and that truth is on your side!!

Dear Hello,

you are very welcome! I am so glad that our words helped you and strengthened your resolve to do the right thing: leave your controlling and manipulative husband. I wish you success in finding a new place for yourself and in the divorce process itself.

And I wish you too many blessings and Godspeed in your journey ahead!

Dear Hello,

thank you for the update! I am glad you’re moving towards separation as you planned and will have your own place since January 15! Congratulations, well done!

In my opinion if he truly cared a lot looking within, proving his care and respect for me, he would have immediately responded differently by saying something like “I’ll erase tinder now and I’m truly sorry” or “ I can see how me speaking to my x affair would be hypocritical “

but no – he’s done nothing to dive into the real issues which tells me he has no intentions of doing so

It does seem he has no intentions to change, but believes, rather immaturely, that he can woo you with his love bombing and his “good behavior”, so you would forget everything he did so far, so he can continue doing what he’s done so far: spending your money, possibly cheating on you with other women, and assassinating your character, so you would feel like a bad person who owes him something. His motive could be both mental dominance/control over you, and financial exploitation. A very toxic combination.

It’s good you’ve explained to him why you don’t love him any more, but I agree with anita – there is no need to explain it further. You don’t need to justify your decision any more. You’ve made a good choice – finally your self-preservation instinct kicked in, and you saw how harmful he is to you. And you decided to run for the hills!

If he starts getting nasty now that his love bombing tactics isn’t working – you may want to stay at the hotel if necessary. Or stay mostly in your room, minimize contact with him. Be cold and curt with him. The goal is not to expose yourself to his manipulation any more, so the less contact you have, the better.

Also, remove him from your bank account, so he cannot take your cash. Don’t trust a word that he is saying, be very cunning and cautious with him. The less he knows about your plans, the better. Unfortunately he’s not a friend, so be wary of what you share with him.

I’m focused entirely on moving forward and very much looking forward to the other side of this.

Great to hear you’re so determined. I am rooting for you, and wishing you Godspeed in the next one month and beyond!

Dear Hello:

You are welcome. You are a conscientious mother to care about protecting your daughters from exposure to what will destroy their holiday season experience, I admire you for it!

“He’s got a history of manipulating others close to him financially and those closest to him have even told me about it. Even his son said he’s made a habit of living off others since his wife left. His mom warned me of the same. He has no access to my bank accounts which is good“-  yes, it is a good thing. It’s insulting, isn’t it, that he thinks that his words and affectations are enough to woo and manipulate you (“He.. continues to try to woo me with words and affectations“).

I hope you and your daughters have as Merry a Christmas as it can be, under the circumstances!

anita

Dear Hello,

I am sorry that more of his deception has come to light recently, but at the same time, it’s good to know that this man will soon be out of your life, and that you are so right for leaving him!

It seems that he has been secretly having an affair while married to his first wife, and when the wife found out, she asked for a divorce. I am saying this because you said that his first wife left – meaning she left him, not vice versa:

Even his son said he’s made a habit off living off of others since his wife left.

So he was living off of her money, cheating her with someone else, and he probably had no intention to change anything about it, had he not been caught. I guess that’s the truth of it, not what he has been telling you.

And maybe he has been doing the same to you, Hello, only you haven’t caught him red-handed, although you did suspect that he might be cheating…. The point is that he might have repeated the exact same, or almost the same scenario with you, as he did with his first wife. Exploiting the wife financially, cheating on her, all the way making the wife look bad.

He is a predator, as it seems to me, and is probably preying on well-off women, who are insecure in themselves and who he can manipulate.

I am sorry, dear Hello, that you came across such a dishonest, manipulative man. And yes, it was a huge deception on his part. He deceived you, or wanted to deceive you, in the same way he did his first wife. He probably never wanted to be honest with you, because his plan was to deceive you and live off of you, not to love you. A predator really, that’s what he is.

I don’t plan on bringing this up with him right now as it’s the holidays and I’ve got to focus on the kids. But when I’m moved out I plan to tell him at the right time.

Yes, first move out, secure yourself, don’t confront him with the truth too soon, so he can’t retaliate too much. What did he do when his first wife divorced him? Do you know if there was any drama at that time?