Yeah those are correct. I wont text her this, I am not that cowardly and I did open up and request a break from the friendship over the phone. I may have a problem opening up but I would be honest with her on the phone. I’ll just let her know that when she helped me to the doctors that in my darkness she was the light of hope I saw and I clung to it hard and got infatuated and the feelings went away and came back over the years, then about the friendship thing and then the “not good enough” part.

I think she will be fine with all of this tbh. What I don’t understand is what happened between the end of 2017 and the end of 2018? She phoned me a few times because she had nobody else to talk to and was having a bad day, one was because her ferret was acting up and had to be put down (that’s one of the $1,000 I loaned her), the other I can’t remember why she was having  a bad day? but that was the last time she called me because she wanted to. It’s been 2 years lol! From Jan 2018 to April 2018 we did not text once, a 4 month break! never really thought about messaging her, but she messaged me or I would have went much longer. Then something at work happened  and  I freaked out! told her all about it and we had a coffee and a walk to the bench grabbing and poking my legs and  arms showing her teqniques on me, then we  sat next to eachother on a log at the beach watching the ocean and talking, then sat next to eachother at the water and tapping ourselves and she made me say “I love myself” which I struggled with and did not mean it (she knew). Then we walked back and threw leaves on eachother and a guy walking his dog smiled and nodded his head and I asked if we can hang out more, she really wanted to and was going to invite me to events with her.

Then we got really close again just like that 1 summer and took off, she even put makeup on before meeting me and told me all about that “psychic” story, then she wanted to know about the life coach stuff what happened and really wanted to connect with me that 1 day, it was BEAUTIFUL! At the time I was thinking the most amazing person I know wants to connect with me for a coffee and really wants to know my news.

Then a new guy enters the picture and now here we are, on the brink of ending things for good although she doesn’t know yet but is normally always down to talk on the phone, but only at my request. I guess I should not be sad it’s ending but happy it happened. The phone calls are not what they used to be like though but now I can’t stand waiting a month before wanting to call her, I wanna call her every week or 2 and talk but limit myself to 1 per month.

WTF????????

Yeah I probably would stop having the feelings. It would be like when we got really close and all of a sudden the feelings dropped and I would easily go months and months of no contact (disappearing she calls it but I just chased that closeness feeling and always have), but I am sure I would be fine if she iniated the phone conversations herself but as I said to her I want her to be free, in every sense of the word and I don’t wanna control her or how she interacts with me. She has to want it like I want it. If we both talked a few times a month and both called because we wanted to talk and text more often in the mornings (I liked it, got me through the day even if it was short but I was happy for a while). I can’t exactly hang out 1 time a month if she lives so far away, but it’s been almost 5 months and she just keeps saying “busy” yet hangs around other friends she never sees and says she doesn’t get out a whole lot but she works a few blocks from me, just means she doesn’t wanna hang out anymore but she can’t say it for some reason. I also needed to get my license which I never did, can’t always have her driving here on her days off when she lives an hour away.

She already knows I used to like her, but not for how long…thinks it’s when we started talking on the phone again late last year and kept saying how flattered she is I felt that way (which is just a nice way of saying I was never into you that way). Yeah…this goes far back. I wonder how she will react? you seem to know how she responds to things well, you thinnk she will be angry or anything?

React to cutting contact for good.

Not really, she’s got annoyed a few times but that’s it. She did say she  was angry that her transgendered friend ended the friendship due to his feelings for her, told me she did not think my feelings for her were that bad enough to end the friendship over and rather have them tell their feelings to her. I just told her my feelings for her started coming back when I heard she got a boyfriend and she kept saying she was really flattered, that was the end of it. I have no idea how she will react to THIS! Probably happy, she has been distancing the friendship and once it’s over she can not worry about me anymore.

I have barely been able to sleep for over a week, even when I sleep I am not sure I even sleep. I feel so drained, depressed, even at work I get teary eyed quite often and then again at home and I feel like I am losing myself and I can’t stop getting her out of my mind…sometimes I think I don’t want to let her go!!! other times I tell myself I have to, she doesn’t care that much about me which is why she has been distancing the friendship since that guy…I can’t stop thinking about the times we were close and how easy it was for her to throw it away.

What is this? a broken heart? it feels so bad! people at work are starting to ask if everything is ok with me and how pale and completly wiped I look. I just tell them I  am tired. But my head spins and I feel dizzy and I feel my darkness is coming back and I am worthless and everyone is better off without me.

Yes looks about right. She was the light in my darkness so in a way it was like an angel but I can live without her love.

I also wonder if it’s a wise choice to just end things for good, we have known each other so long. Perhaps I just need to tell her I am disappearing for a long while and when I am ready to come back I will reach out again. Then just block her and try and do other things and maybe one day many years later give it a retry and see if things, but obviously still tell her about her being my light in my darkness. If she says she hopes it’s short, i’ll just tell her it will be many many years.

The only thing is, what if she’s having a bad time recently? I can’t exactly tell her “Yo we can’t be friends anymore, sorry”.